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Crush of the Week

Lauren Hutton, age sixty-two, is posing posing nude for Big magazine. To which we say, let the wacko media appearances begin! A couple of years ago Hutton went on the Early Show to promote her new makeup line, but got off topic and wound up talking about her bisexuality.
    Hutton: “Governments everywhere are men, and it is ancient and insane and shameful.”
    Syler: “But let me—”
    Hutton: “We’ve got to have half and half. That’s how God made us, otherwise there’s only one of us and probably us. But God knows we wouldn’t have come up with bridges or airplanes or lots of stuff. You know, boys have great vision and they’re fun in bed. But, so there’s certain, fine things for them. It’s true. I’ve been both places. I prefer men.”
    The party line on Hutton is “I hope I look that good when I’m in my sixties!” But screw looks; we hope in our sixties we’re able to strike fear into the hearts of morning-show anchors. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

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Quotes of the Week

“You were right. Anyone arguing with you is wrong. And always, always, where sex is concerned remember that lying is the force that drives it. As dear Mr. Carville said about Mr. Clinton’s sexual honesty, ‘If it weren’t for lying there wouldn’t be any sex at all.'”

“I actually find your mathematical fumblings rather alluring.”

Two of many Scanner-reading mathematicians turned on by our recent statistics misreporting (or not — opinions differ)! If only we had the same broad appeal in high school we could have dated the math team instead of acidheads.

Which reminds us! Scanner readers are the best people in the world (and there sure are a lot of you!), but in the year we’ve been doing this, we’ve learned you fear change. So we’re going to give you two whole weeks notice: Scanner’s going daily.
“There’s a chance you might be bisexual, but as you pointed out, it’s more likely that you’re just a nerd.” — A reply on the kind of awesome advice site Am-I-Gay.com.
“Embarrassing Vaginal Odor . . . Final cure for body odor . . . Eliminate body odor permanently. Forever. — The “related links” ads that accompanied this New York Times story on a mysterious scented cloud that appeared over the city last week.
“When I freak out, I say to myself, Dude! Relax! Just write ten things you are grateful for.” — Ricky Martin, who no doubt has lots of really funny lists lying around his tour bus.
Photos of the Week

You’ve gotta love European safe-sex ads. This one combines decent postures with decent posters to create indecent acts like fisting and rimming. Tag line: “All sex is fun. Safe sex is sensible.”

Speaking of suggestive photos, what exactly are the Beach Boys doing in this one?
And whatever it is, do you think we could get the world champion White Sox to do it?
Mr. Sulu, now officially out of the closet.
Robbie Williams gets naked, plays with himself. Why don’t American pop stars advertise their albums like this? Justin Timberlake: we double-dare you.
Our new associate editor, Will, reports Jeff Stryker [left] has officially turned into Chazz Palminteri [right]. Also, Will protests the Stryker website‘s separate entrances for gays and straights. Does Rosa Parks’s legacy not extend to male porn stars?
Scariest Halloween mask ever.
Oh no! We’re at the end of Photos of the Week and there have been no boobs! Kirsten Dunst‘s cleavage to the rescue.
Quiz Show

We always go into sex quizzes thinking that we’re going to blow the test’s mind with some totally off-the-charts score. And we’re always disappointed when the test results don’t make us eligible for some sex-positive version of the C.I.A. Recently, we took the BBC Sex I.D. Quiz and found that our “personal brain score” is fifty, dead average for women. We are an “empathiser” and prefer faces with male characteristics. We wasted twenty minutes finding out that we are tediously girly!

From Our Inbox

“I’m not sure if your website even has a place for poetry, if you could call what I write poetry. Any use for:
I am awake, it’s for your sake, I’d rather’ve slept alone
But kisses from you have changed my mood, please now suck my bone

??”

The Google Image Search Approach to Politics

Let’s dispense with the Senate confirmation hearings for Samuel Alito, and just vote not to confirm based on these three images turned up by a Google image search on “Alito.”

For comparison, here are three for “Miers.” You need three photos because that way you get a sense of their id (Criss Cross), ego (historical re-enactments), superego (some lady just trying to talk to her kids).

A new painting by Robert Delgadillo reportedly casts Brad and Angelina as Adam and Eve.
Product Placement
Vincent Gallo’s sperm is apparently up for sale on eBay. From the description: “Mr. Gallo is 5’11” and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it’s a boy.”

Black Eyed Peas fans can commemorate the worst song lyric of the year with this T-shirt.

We’ve never put any stock in that whole concept that you can “turn” your kid gay, but if anything can, our money’s on this new book by the Queer Eye guy.



Mighty Muff iPod sleeves. And other Muff products, because if you can’t have enough vagina simulations to keep your stuff in.
Under development: a speaker that allows the deaf to feel music. “While it certainly is promising for that market, I thought of another use that your readers might also clue into. Something tells me my wife might enjoy it and a couple of carefully selected CDs as a sexy Christmas gift. ” That’s our readers for you: Deaf, schmeff — did you say it vibrates?
Blaine v. Ken: the showdown! Spoilers from Gwynne, our office manager: “Ken will re-enter the picture with all kinds of heartfelt declarations of love for Barbie, but he’ll be foiled at every turn by smooth-talking Blaine. Barbie will become conflicted and turn to Skipper for advice, and Skipper will take her out drinking, then make out with drunk Barbie. Blaine will see them making out and call Barbie a whore, at which point she’ll go running to Ken who loves her just the way she is and it will be a happy ending for everyone except Blaine, who’ll have to go crying to one of the Bratz.”
We’d like to cast pregnant punk rock almost-Barbie (from eBay) in the sequel.
Tabloid Fodder

People
The Enemy: Those damn babies who ruin your body! Getting your body —¬†and it is your body, not that little parasite’s! —¬†takes “sweat and sacrifice.” So take a page from Denise Richards and work out six times a week.


Us Weekly
The Enemy: That controlling megastar boyfriend, who will make you “robotic and zombified.” Beware, or he will make you stop smoking Marlboro Lights and learn to knit.

In Touch
The Enemy: That alcoholic boyfriend who will impregnate you even though you’re over the hill. (We hereby disagree with In Touch on Vince Vaughn’s assessment of the delightful Vince Vaughn.)
Star
The Enemy: Man-stealing whores like Paris Hilton, who is apparently having lots of sex on the beach with Mary-Kate’s very tall boyfriend. “It wasn’t all canoodling,” Star says to reassure the scorned Olsen. The sex-crazed pair was also “splashing around.” Gee, thanks.


Scanner appears every Tuesday.
Research assistants: Gwynne Watkins, Sarah Harrison,
Melaina Mace, Peter Smith and Marie Bernard.
Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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