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Crush of the Week

If the first lyrics of Eminem’s “Mosh” video seem
vague, the first seconds of the video are anything but. Schoolchildren
reciting the Pledge of Allegiance are drowned out by Dr. Dre’s beats
and Eminem’s invocation; a wall of headlines appears with words like “War” circled
in red. These days, progressive politics are coming from the unlikeliest
places. Suddenly, the same guy who rapped, “Their mother wasn’t raped,
I ate her pussy while she was asleep,” is saying, “Let us beg to differ,
as we set aside our differences / and assemble our own army, to disarm
this weapon of mass destruction / that we call our president.” The
video isn’t powerful because of the indictment of the Bush administration — we’ve
heard that before — but because it demands action. Each character
slips into a black hooded sweatshirt and hits the streets, fists in
air. Ungendered, deracialized and anonymous, they march to the polls.
It took an election to put Eminem in the corner of the single mother,
but in it he is. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Carly
Kocurek

Photos of the Week

Lucien Freud’s painting of a pregnant Kate Moss goes up for auction at Christie’s.

Saturn’s “Infinitely Fertile Man” ad campaign boasts plenty of room in this S.U.V. for your massive testicles.

Behold, the world’s largest origami penis.

Literal-minded people celebrate Pink, the French gay channel.

Congratulations to the happy winners of the MTV Latin Music Video Awards.

The Best Book Pitch We’ve Seen in Some Time
“Per our conversation this morning, I have enclosed the synopsis and the first three chapters of Wet Goddess: Recollections of a Dolphin Lover by Malcolm Brenner.
   "It is a literary fiction novel about the relationship between a college student and a dolphin in Florida. This human’s encounter with a non-human intelligence is made possible when the man and the dolphin start talking without words allowing the author to take the reader on fantastic voyages into the mind of an utterly alien yet sympathetic character, the dolphin Ruby.
   "Although Wet Goddess deals with a controversial subject — a human-dolphin love affair — the book’s respectful style and treatment give it cross-genre marketability. Without being pedantic or polemical, Wet Goddess challenges our constructs of reality and questions human beings’ self-appointed status as the most intelligent creatures on Earth."
Quotes of the Week

“Angelina Jolie’s adoption of a Russian baby have sparked charges in that country that the star is a womb raider.” — MSNBC.

“Let’s be honest, the most famous cleavage in Catherine Zeta-Jones’ family is on the chin of her father-in-law [Kirk Douglas].” — The owner of a strip club Catherine Zeta-Jones is suing for improper use of her photo; he claims he got the photo from a free photo website without knowing it was Jones.

In the News

Bill O’Reilly settles his sexual harassment lawsuit. We like to think it’s because he read Celia Farber’s wacky cover story for the New York Press: “History tells Bill O’Reilly to settle. Justice dictates he fight and stand. What would Thoreau do?”

Meanwhile, Art Buchwald provides a public service announcement about phone sex: “…It’s helpful to understand what phone sex is. It is usually two people making love on the phone, provided it is consensual. Sometimes it may be a conference call of more than two, but that is rare… The good thing is that it is safe sex, with no chance of one of the parties becoming pregnant.”

Turns out the conservative Sinclair Broadcasting group has porn ties.
The penis of a Romanian man exploded while he was having sex. Moral: do not have sex in Romania, where you will surely become a quirky Ananova footnote.

The Chicago Tribune printed a feature story with the headline “You
C-nt Say That” despite a desperate attempt by top editors to stop the
story’s publication at the last minute.

Nick and Jessica’s recent maybe-fight about his stripper adventure is blessedly put into context by Usa Today.
There’s reportedly a new sex tape circulating. Star: Usher.

The hotel manager of the Drake Hotel in Toronto plans to offer a room-service menu of sex toys starting later this year.

Nintendo apologized to Suicide Girls for sending them a nasty lawyer letter claiming that a Suicide Girls site member infringed on Nintendo’s intellectual property by listing Zelda and Metorid as his favorite video games.

Chile wants to put handcuffs on Dubya and give him a spanking.

Product Placement

Fashion tips for virgins are available from Jen Magazine. Sample advice: “Think about looking for overalls or a jumpsuit of some type." They also sell the ModesTee, guaranteed to make any outfit chaste.

The Cunt Coloring Book.

A Brazilian artist uses condoms as her medium. View her full repertoire under “Obras” here.

They’re all the rage among people who can’t get real dates: Japanese dating-simulation games translated into English. You know you want to fantasy-date Mikan. "This cat girl maid came to this world to serve Ibuki, under the orders of the Cat God. Mikan is very good at doing general housework, but she’s always clumsy. She’s always wanted to have a human family, and always asks that you ejaculate inside her when you make love. Age 19."

Or if cartoons don’t do it for you, there’s always robot porn.

Behold the best condom ads of all time: one with a spirited kid at the supermarket and one we’ll call “My mother said I could.”

Taking voyeurism to a new level, a new phone-camera attachment
promises to melt
away
skirts and blouses with an infrared “pervert filter.” On a
similar note, the cellphone porn market is booming.

Faceoff: Superbabe Versus Real Doll

Let’s face it — you’re an educated consumer, and if you’re going to spend $6,000 on a sex doll, you expect quality. By now, you’ve probably flipped through every Consumer Reports index in the library, looking for the “sex doll” entry between “sewing machines” and “shampoo ingredients.” So you’ll be pleased to learn that Jerrry and his wife, of Victoria’s Closet have done the work for you. Here are the most useful things we learned from their side-by-side comparison of Real Doll and Superbabe:

1. Realdoll leaves rings, like a coffee mug: “If you place the doll on a solid color material for a few days you may notice that she leaves an outline when removed.”

2. Superbabe was “suspended by her breasts to test durability.” Would you pass this test?

3. Superbabe has silent joints, whereas Realdoll tends to creak. But Realdoll has fingerprints. If you’re getting a sex doll as a criminal accomplice, keep this in mind.

4. Realdoll’s tongue is removable for “easy cleaning.”

5. Older models of Realdoll had “a problem with the jaw becoming disconnected at the skull.” Therefore, you should never feed your Realdoll solid food.

6. Superbabe has “speed bumps” inside to maximize pleasure. Realdoll, like the Autobahn, has no speed limit.

Our own observation: Superbabe looks like Charles Busch in drag. — Gwynne Watkins

Tabloid Fodder

People

Cover: “William & Harry: GOOD PRINCE VS. WILD PRINCE.”

Burning question: “The Laci Case: Will the Jury Convict?”

Devastating news: “Pregnant Julia put on bed rest.”

Heartwarming anecdote: “What’s it like to be blind? Guests at a Paris hot spot are lining up to find out.”

Sex promised/delivered: 3/4. One bonus point for tales of Prince Harry’s debauchery. A photo of Harry kissing a miniskirted girl with her bra strap showing reads, “He lip-locked again July 25. ‘He’s very tactile,’ says a pal.”

Us Weekly

Cover: “ARE THEY ENGAGED? After bringing Jennifer Garner home to Mom, is Affleck ready to say ‘I do?'”

Burning question: “Is Britney a hat addict?”

Devastating news: Renée Zellweger and Jack White "seemed a bit down" on the flight back to L.A. from Puerto Vallarta.

Heartwarming anecdote: “Kirsten and Jake heat up again!”

Sex promised/delivered: 6/7. A bonus point for reporting on Usher’s sex scandal.

In Touch

Cover: “Exclusive: BABY DRAMA!”

Burning question: “Doesn’t Ben [Affleck] look a little like President John F. Kennedy?”

Devastating news: “Lindsay hospitalized with mysterious fever."

Heartwarming anecdote: “Being the best mom she can be is more important to Nicole Kidman than finding Mr. Right.”

Sex promised/delivered: 7/6. Minus one point for weird Swan story in which the winner says, “I need to let my scars be my jewels.”

Star

Cover: “Jessica Simpson’s Husband Caught in CHEATING SCANDAL!”

Burning question: “Is Madonna planning Demi’s Kabbalah wedding?”

Devastating news: “Julia’s Twins in Danger! Pregnant star rushed to hospital!”

Heartwarming anecdote: Ellen DeGeneres wants to adopt.

Sex promised/delivered: 8/10. One bonus points for details of the Nick-Jessica cheating scandal, and another for a feature about actresses dating younger men titled, “It’s the sex, stupid!”

 



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Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison and Gwynne Watkins.

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