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| Crush of the Week |
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Have you noticed the way people talk about feisty Special Counsel Patrick J. Fitzgerald? "A solidly built former rugby player who enjoyed getting muddy and bloody well into his twenties, Fitzgerald is nothing but confident in his own skin," said The Washington Post. His nickname is "Bulldog." He's always being noted for his endurance, stamina and passion. Once during a tense moment in a trial, he slipped a note to his co-counsel, mid-questioning, that read: "Is there beer in the fridge?" This is a man who plays as hard as he works; Fitzgerald has said, "If you're not zealous, you shouldn't have the job." And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun
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| Quotes of the Week |
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"[The breakup was] like opening the door to your house and having someone come in and take your big-screen TV off the wall during the big game, and there's nothing you can do about it." — Kenny Chesney compares the end of his marriage to Renée Zellweger to losing high-end electronics. |
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"Mice can be added to the short list of creatures that sing in the presence of the opposite sex." — CNN.com. When we saw "singing mice" in the web address, we got really excited, because we thought it might be a bunch of mice in top hats, à la Chuck Jones's cartoon "One Froggy Evening." |
| "Many will contend the purpose is to aid or enhance sexual activities within the confines of marriage, and that the ads are done 'in taste.' We disagree." — The American Family Association cracks down on those unrepentant smut peddlers over at Reader's Digest. |
| "Back then, they called me K-Fed, but you can call me Daddy instead." — From Kevin Federline's appallingly bad leaked rap; download it here. |
| "Touched by Ink-Stained Hands." — The you-must-be-kidding title of a roman à clef about Times editor Howell Raines. |
| "The hardest part of the show for me was having to pretend that Jason Priestley was my brother. I just remember thinking like, like, 'He is so hot.' My friends would call me out on it when they watched the show. That was one possible story line the writers never picked up." — Shannon Doherty on the 90210 Reunion Special. |
Santorum: Did your wife tell you that she called me the other day?
Imus: She didn't.
Santorum: She didn't?
Imus: No, what about the autism thing?
Santorum: "Well she called and the first thing she said to me was you know Suzanne Wright? I said sure and then she says, well I'd like to do a threesome." — On Don Imus's MSNBC show, Rick Santorum tries to distract from all that CIA leak/forged Niger document business. |
| "If it helps, son, I had to suck a lot of cock to get my first break too." — What Alexis Arquette (cross-dressing brother of Patricia and Rosanna) heard from his father after coming out, according to Popbitch. |
Cindy Taylor, FEMA's deputy director of public affairs: My eyes must certainly be deceiving me. You look fabulous — and I'm not talking the makeup.
Brown: I got it at Nordstroms. Are you proud of me? Can I quit now? Can I go home?
Brown, one hour later: If you'll look at my lovely FEMA attire, you'll really vomit. I am a fashion god. — Oh, we'll vomit all right. These flirty emails are from August 29, 2005, the day Katrina made landfall as a category four. Even we take a break from witty email banter when we're working on Scanner — which, don't forget, is going daily on Monday! |
| Quiz Show |
To what does this press-release statement refer:
"Take a pinch of Kinsey, a drop of Nancy Friday, Sex and the City and The Joy of Sex, whip it all together for a fresh take on female sexuality"?
a) That video game of The Warriors.
b) The new Sarah Silverman movie.
c) "Scooter" Libby's novel.
d) The sex party Cake.
e) Your weekend.
Answer: d, but sort of everything else, too, if you think about it. |
| Product Placement |
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This product's slogan is: "The wise in heart shall be called prudent; and the sweetness of the lips increases learning." (Proverbs 16:21) |
| Tabloid Fodder: The Men Behaving Badly Issue |
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People
Man: Alec Baldwin, formerly Mr. Kim Basinger.
Bad behavior: Drawing out a vicious custody battle.
Dating advice to be gleaned: Maybe avoid getting pregnant by a guy who likes to portray a pedophilic scoutmaster, especially one who likes to fondle Adam Sandler.
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US Weekly
Man: Kevin Federline, Mr. Britney Spears.
Bad behavior: Leaving your famous wife and six-week-old son to chug Grey Goose at nightclubs.
Dating advice to be gleaned: Don't date men whose gilfriends are seven months pregnant. Federline's disgruntled ex and mother of his two children, Shar Jackson, is currently smirking her way through interviews, channeling the Kinks song "Here Comes Flash" (He will smile at you, be so sweet to you. / Then he's gonna cheat on you... [dong dong dong]").
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In Touch
Man: Al Reynolds, Mr. Star Jones.
Bad behavior: Passive-aggressive lawlessness, a.k.a., getting arrested for driving with a suspended license after making "an improper lane change" at three a.m.
Dating advice to be gleaned: Turn your wedding into a dog-and-pony show and a year later, your husband will go to jail just to spite you. |
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Star
Man: Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin, Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow.
Bad behavior: Abandoning your pregnant starlet wife to go "gallivanting" with your band.
Dating advice to be gleaned: Men want freedom; women want control. Men are "lazy"; women are "snippy". All heterosexual relationships are doomed, except the one between Christina Aguilera and her fiancé: for Halloween, she dressed up in a slutty nurse's uniform and handcuffed his wrist to hers. |
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Scanner
appears every Tuesday.
Research assistants:
Gwynne Watkins, Sarah Harrison,
Melaina Mace, Peter Smith and Marie Bernard.
Send tips to ada@nerve.com.
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© 2005 Nerve.com, Inc.
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