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Crush of the Week

Behold, the terrifying nipple of Tara Reid, seen here falling out of her dress at P. Diddy’s birthday party. What? You’ve seen the terrifying nipple of Tara Reid before, you say? Come again? Everyone in the world has seen the terrifying nipple of Tara Reid? That girl is a flashing machine. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Photos of the Week

In other nipple news, here are photos of Serena Williams and the Bush twins.

At the same P. Diddy party as above, Paris Hilton revealed — yawn — her enduring aversion to panties.

You know you were wondering what Christina Aguilera wore for Halloween.

Sex-education lesson or prototype of a blue-ray disc made of corn starch polymer?

The Other Kind of Bush Watch

Bush-appointed anti-abortion activist Dr.
W. David Hager continues to serve on the Food and Drug Administration’s
Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee. Dr. Hager is the
author of As
Jesus Cared for Women: Restoring Women Then and Now,
which
blends biblical accounts of Christ healing women with case studies
from Hager’s practice. Dr. Hager is a practicing OB/GYN who describes
himself as “pro-life” and refuses to prescribe contraceptives to
unmarried women. Read more here.

To contact the President about this or any other matter, email president@whitehouse.gov or call (202) 456-1111 or (202) 456-1414.

ABC is for Absolutely Beyond Crazy

Diane Sawyer stars in her very own remake of Caged Heat when
she spends
the night
in a women’s prison for Primetime “We’re Offending
As Fast As We Can” Live
. Here’s some of what Diane learns: “Unlike
in male prisons, where sex is used as a tool of violence and intimidation,
inmates and guards say the sex in female prisons tends not to be
coercive. Instead, a lot of the violence in Metro is about jealousy
or possessiveness. The problem is, ‘There’s only so many studs,’
said Bridget Hash, a twenty-one-year-old serving time for burglary.
In her short hair and baggy clothes, she identifies herself as a
lesbian — and a stud."

Quotes of the Week

“My baloney has a first name, it’s p-e-n-i-s.” — The first line of Tommy Lee‘s love ballad to his manhood.

“The best cooked balls come from Serbia and we wanted to stage this contest to show the world what great dishes can be cooked using testicles, which are known locally here as white kidneys.” — Ljubomir Erovic, of the Serbian Tourism Board.

“I’ve not had a breast job. The moment those rumors started was when people saw my stretch marks…I’ve got stretch marks everywhere.” — Kate Beckinsale.

"It’s about her lyricism and the lyrical persona and how they articulate certain things that gender and sexuality studies have been trying to grapple with. What we’re talking about here is new notions of sexual consciousness, sexual politics in her rhymes, how she deals with societies based on male domination in her rhymes and societies based on rigid gender categories and constructs." — Professor Greg Thomas telling the New York Daily News about the class Syracuse University will offer on the works of rapper Lil’ Kim.

From Our Inbox

"Additionally, I have an idea for
‘Nerve FEATURE’ It is a monthly serialized conversation that a
man and a woman are having via our modern day conversational medium…email.
Each monthly installment would reveal more of their character,
a slow gentle peeling away of the layers of complexity. At the
end of each month, we will leave the reader with tantalizing anticipation
for the next installment. I have 110 pages now written in this
format. The interesting twist being, that she elects early on not
to meet him. In her experiences in the past the reality of meeting
is never as good as the lead up. They do however, agree to become
lovers, that they do. In a dark room, where they cannot see each
other, only touch, taste and sound and the trust that they have
built through their words to guide them… they come know the carnal
beauty of each other.”

Tom Wolfe as Wolf

Here’s an excerpt from Tom Wolfe’s forthcoming novel I Am Charlotte
Simmons
, in which a college girl discovers the joys of beer and
frat boys. Read the Nerve interview with him here.

“—oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins
the pectoral sheath of the chest—no, the hand was cupping her entire right —Now! she must say ‘No, Hoyt’ and talk to him like a dog—and oh God, what was she supposed to do now—insasmuch as it, his hand, was at this instant
passing over her entire right breast and she could feel the pressure—light
pressure, but pressure—Now! the No, Hoyt—but it was as if
the cord between her will and her central nervous system had been cut…”

In the News

Looking to support an anti-Bush movement post-Election Day? Here’s one for you: Marry an American, in which Canadians try to save us from ourselves.

Turns out a recent Blind Date contestant was wanted for a brutally attacking and kidnapping a California woman. The man’s victim spotted him on the reality show last month.

Loony New York Post columnist Andrea Peyser attends the same Chippendale’s tryouts we did (for a forthcoming Sex Advice From…) and instead of asking the gentlemen about sex toys, she hyperventilated: “They come in all shapes, hairstyles and skin colors, but just one size: Extra large."

In a new British reality show, the appropriately named host Tracey Cox critiques volunteer couples as they have sex on camera.

The French gay channel Pink goes easy on the politics.

Heidi Fleiss is recruiting for her new Nevada brothel, the White House, in which each room will be a reproduction of one on Pennsylvania Avenue.

British soldiers in Iraq reportedly made a lesbian sex tape.

A Russian student angry at two police officers who fined him for driving
without a license exacted revenge by writing them
into a homosexual
porn story
that quickly exploded on the internet. He was recently
sentenced to a year in jail.

A new airport X-ray machine designed to make visible concealed weapons also makes visible a person’s entire body.

The Norwegian Federation for Animal Protection is calling for a ban on sex toys shaped like animals, hoping to reduce sex with actual animals.

A Romanian judge has been accused of acting in a porn movie but says that the video was digitally altered to make the performer look like her. The story brings us Romanian sex warning #2: Deny participation in a sex tape and risk bad puns in British periodicals, i.e., “Lungu suffered a blow when experts decided that the woman in the film was her.”

Product Placement

This New York City bus ad by hip-hop clothing line Akademiks reads,"Read Books, Get Brain." It’s ostensibly promoting reading, has been banned since MTA officials learned that “get brain” is slang for oral sex.

Tabloid Fodder

People

Cover: “MURDER in Nantucket: EVERY WOMAN’S NIGHTMARE”

What you should be afraid of: Being killed in Nantucket.

What you don’t need to worry about anymore: Nick and Jessica breaking up.

Sex promised/delivered: 5/6. One bonus point for the odd photo of Shannen Doherty in almost no clothes.

Us Weekly

Cover: “Nick and Jessica: Will They Split?”

What you should be afraid of: Nick and Jessica spliting up.

What you don’t need to worry about anymore: Eminem, because “the hot rapper is playing politics.”

Sex promised/delivered: 7/7. Most reassuring photo headline ever: “Justin’s New Tattoos! Don’t worry, they’re fake!”

In Touch

Cover: “IS JULIA OKAY?”

What you should be afraid of: Julia Roberts miscarrying her twins.

What you don’t need to worry about anymore: Britney-as-mother, because she “seems ready to create the kind of home life she missed as a working teenager."

Sex promised/delivered: 8/9. One bonus point for news of Kelly Ripa.

Star

Cover: “From Bridget Jones to SKIN & BONES!”

What you should be afraid of: Renée Zellweger starving herself.

What you don’t need to worry about anymore: Nicky Hilton’s marriage; it’s over.

Sex promised/delivered: 10/10. Tori Spelling bottle-feeding a teddy bear = perfection.

 



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Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, Alexandra Mack, Catherine Adcock and Kate Sullivan.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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