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 REGULARS


Crush of the Week

She may not be sane, but by God, Liza Minnelli, recently accused of rape by her former bodyguard/chauffeur and of abuse by her terrifying ex-husband, David Gest, is our kind of lady. And as if these fellows didn’t know what they were in for — you don’t ask a plumber to build you a fence, and you don’t ask Liza Minnelli to sit there and look pretty and not physically attack the men in her life. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Quotes of the Week

Jane is raunchy. Jane is randy. Jane is snide and sarcastic and self-centered. Jane is a little nutty and a little slutty. Jane is cheesy and sleazy and trashy. And I mean that in the best possible way.” — The Washington Post.

“People complain about airline food, though I actually have always been pleased with your menu, and I love the warm nuts!” — From the letters to the editor in the November issue of American Way.

“I’ve been married so much in my life that I never really had lovers, so it’s been a fun time. Hopefully, the men are enjoying it as well. But it’s not deep love… I truly love men and women equally and I see people as people and love as love. So I think it makes sense that a woman would know that I would appreciate and love her as much as a man would.” — Angelina Jolie.

Honeymoon Poem
11.10.2004

A honeymoon at last, to get away from it all
My assistant Fe gave me the call.

I remember it well, as she was smilin’
She said it was called Turtle Island.

I packed my bags light and quick,
Then grabbed my pink dress & favorite lipstick.

We hopped on a plane and took our flight
I slept really well, all through the night.

As we arrive, I turn and look out the door,
People are greeting us right at the shore.

A meal, a shower and some ice cream
Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean!

Magical nights filled with stars
Silence is golden, no running cars.

Private dinners, romantic fires
Little piece of heaven, whatever your heart desires.

Friendly “hellos” and never goodbyes
When you’re having fun, oh, how time flies!

As we sit and prepare to make our part
I thank you, Turtle Island, with all my heart!

— Britney “Yeats” Federline

“Disappearing habitat. Metrosexuality. The proliferation of in-line skates. Man is in terrible danger. In fact, he’s rollerblading on the brink of extinction.” — From Maxim‘s new ad campaign.
Photo of the Week

From the cover of Britney’s new album, we learn that looking like a cyborg is her prerogative.

Our beloved Grant Stoddard writes about safe sex paranoia for New York Magazine. The photos pay homage to Saran Wrap.

From Our Inbox

"Dear Editor, We’re writing to inform you of several new releases on Human Sexuality that we thought might be of interest to you for review in your publication or on your website. The Clitoris: Forbidden Pleasure is a provocative and often humorous documentary that explores the “mysteries” of female sexuality, focusing on the clitoris, a tiny, highly sensitive organ with 8,000 nerve endings at its tip, making it the most responsive organ in the human body, including the tongue or, in men, the penis. Its sole function is pleasure. You’ll find detailed information on this film on our website."

Creepy Celebrity-Virginity-Loss Story of the Week

“My parents went to Las Vegas one New Year’s Eve weekend, and my brother Ronny threw a party. I loved that he let me be part of it — I was 15, and he’s seven years older. I cooked steaks. It was one or two in the morning, and I saw a line of guys standing outside a bedroom door. They said, “Do you want to go next?” “What do you mean?” “Barbara’s in there.” I had met Barbara, a beautiful older woman, about 20. She was what in those days we called a nymphomaniac, which is not a word you hear anymore. She was servicing these guys, one after the other. I had never been laid, and I couldn’t believe my good fortune. I went in. It was dark, and she said, “Is that you, Ronny?” I said yes, lying for fear that she’d reject me. I wasn’t old enough to drive a car, so I thought maybe I wasn’t old enough to drive a woman. I remember whistling because I wanted to appear relaxed as I was taking off my clothes. It was wonderful. I came quickly and kept humping and humping. I thought, Is that all there is? I kept waiting for the next fireworks. The humping went on for about 20 minutes until somebody opened the door. It was just like a movie: A shaft of light was thrown from the hallway onto my face, and she screamed because I wasn’t my brother." — Dustin Hoffman in Playboy.

In the News

The Right is completely freaking out about the movie Kinsey. We were channel-surfing this weekend and came across a Christian TV show that claimed, “Kinsey still has his cold dead hand on the throttle of our culture.” Cold! Dead! Hand! Throttle!

In a similar vein, Frank Rich accuses Fox of — say it isn’t so — hypocrisy.

Another teacher, another sex scandal.

Students in New Zealand want to grow up to be pimps, prostitutes, strippers and drug dealers.

David Beckham is going to buy Posh a $1.8 million platinum-and-diamond encrusted vibrator. Hey, it’s easier than staying faithful.

Ironically enough, Massachusetts has the lowest divorce rate in the country.

Mannequins are getting curvier.

Norwegian sex educators are concerned that watching porn makes teenagers feel inadequate.

The first intercollegiate gay magazine is here and it’s called Queer. Get used to it.
Product Placement

Vaginal Cleansing Film.

A New Zealand Wine company is launching “Pansy,” a wine aimed at the gay, Australian oenophile.

At Viking’s Exotic Resort, women come with the room.

New advertising screens in urinals play when you pee on them.

Tabloid Fodder

People
Cover: “Johnny Depp: Inside His Private World.”
Take on Jessica Simpson: She is under the spell of “the notorious Charmed curse" because Nick appeared on the show. “Since 1998, three cast members have had their marriages or engagement end!”
What would fix everything: A baby!
Sex promised/delivered: 4/5. Plus one for a photo of Joey Fatone wearing a T-shirt with a photo of Tara Reid’s breast.

In Touch
Cover: “Closer Than Ever! A Baby for Jen & Ben?”
Take on Jessica Simpson: She’s “snappy and short-tempered.”
What would fix everything: A baby!
Sex promised/delivered: 7/6. Minus one point for pitting J. Lo against Jen in the categories of “fitness, dance, cooking and experience,” when we all know it’s drug consumption, stripper-tolerating and assistant-slapping that count.

Us Weekly
Cover: “Life Without Nick.”
Take on Jessica Simpson: She’s suffering from the strains of a long-distance marriage.
What would fix everything: A baby!
Sex promised/delivered: 9/8. Minus one for the caption under a seemingly pregnant Maggie Gyllenhaal: “It’s a Stunt Bump!”

Star
Cover: “Jessica Simpson’s New Scandal: Her Wild Night With 2 Naked Men! Is Her Marriage to Nick a Sham Now?”
Take on Jessica Simpson: “A goody-goody no more.”
What would fix everything: A baby!
Sex promised/delivered: 9/9. Aren’t we all, in our own way, goody-goodys no more?

 


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