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Crush of the Week


Every Sunday at eight o’clock, we hunker down with a box of Kleenex for an hour
of the most heart-wrenching reality show on television: Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. In every episode, a team of six attractive, well-manicured, highly emotional
designers rebuild a tragic family’s home. (This season’s two-hour special
featured a deaf couple with a son who was autistic, blind, and prone
to running away.) After receiving news that they have been chosen,
the family is sent away on a one-week vacation (usually to Disneyland).
When they return to their newly retrofitted home, crowds of attention-starved
neighbors cheer for the camera. And everyone cries. A lot.

    It’s a humbling, somewhat masochistic experience, but that’s not why we watch it. No, we endure this particular reality for one reason: Ty Pennington. According to his website, Ty is “best known as the lovable, off-the-wall, hunk-of-a-carpenter who likes to goof around on the set of Trading Spaces.” But we know and love him best as Extreme Makeover‘s affable, emotional, J-Crew handsome, sexually ambiguous Team Leader.

    Every Sunday the phone rings at approximately 7:55 p.m. And every Sunday it’s my twin sister: “It’s just so awful,” she sobs. “That poor family…Is Ty gay?”

    “No,” I say. “He knows how to use power tools. He builds things.
He’s like Bob Vila, but better.” She hangs up.

    At 7:57 p.m. my friend Damian calls. “It’s just so awful,” cries Damian, who is gay. “That poor family…is Ty gay?”

    “Yes,” I say. “He likes big drills, cries on every show, wears muscle tees, loves his hair gel, and he’s really big on hugging.”

    Ty is all things to all people. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Tobin Levy

Photos of the Week

Disenfranchised farmers in Veracruz stage a naked protest.

Family time, rhino style.

Avril Lavigne, dressed like a Hooters girl. Meanwhile, Hooters accused a rival chain of stealing its idea. “The evidence will show WingHouse has copied the Hooter girl almost from head
to toe…The Hooter girl is our Ronald McDonald.”

Raisin Monday festival in Scotland or aftermath of an out-of-control bukkake party?

Soccer star Nando Rafael explains away this picture: “Scoring a perfect goal is like an orgasm. Things can happen in your body that you’re not aware of."

Quotes of the Week

“Right now, you would think I have a preference for blondes because of my last
two wives, but I actually don’t. It just kinda worked out that
way. I actually prefer the dark, exotic, brown, dark-haired Brazilian
woman.” —Tommy Lee.

"And there was the gluteus maximus, the muscle of the buttocks. Earlier human
ancestors, like chimpanzees today, had pelvises that could support
only a modest gluteus maximus, nothing like the strong buttocks of
Homo.” — The New York Times.
We Play a Game on Company Time

Every once in a while, we at Nerve like to take a little board game break in our common area. Okay, the whole office is a common area — it’s a loft — but we spend most of our day in fierce denial of this fact, IMing co-workers three-feet away.

   But we acknowledged each other’s existence the other morning in order to try out this week’s freebie: “SEXDRIVE.”

    While eager to relive our mirthful Pervartistry experience, we were a little wary of this one because of its press materials’ puntasticness: “Silver Summit Games presents SEXDRIVE: the hilarious pedal-to-the-metal, shift your gears, honk your horny game.” In brief, each person or team drives their car around the board answering questions or doing various dares involving notepad and pencil or sculpting clay (which Tobin insists smells “like ass”) or charades and if you get all eight “category certificates” you win. We didn’t make it that far.

   “Uh, they trademarked ‘Truth or Phallus,'” Gwynne said in a concerned voice.

   Nevertheless, for your sake, we dove right in.

   Thinking ourselves smarter than the game, we arranged the ten thousand cards and pieces intuitively and started rolling the twelve-sided die while Tobin read the instructions as questions came up. And they started to come up fairly quickly.

   “Does the card really say ‘milking’ is a way to make a penis appear bigger?”

   “Are you sure ‘tush’ isn’t on the list of the ten most popular names for butt?”

   “I got that right — does that mean I get my Libido Learning Permit?”

   “So I got this card through the SEXDRIVE BODY SHOP — does that mean I have to turn my card over?”

   The instructions finally had to be grabbed out of a shellshocked Tobin’s hands and read in their entirety. “Two categories have a slightly different approach to the way they are played. They are the ORANGE-TROJAN HORSE “MISCONCEPTIONS”(TM) and PURPLE MASTER DEBATER(TM) on the OUTER COURSE…The MASTER DEBATER category provides the TOP 3 TO 15 ANSWERS…depending on the question…”

   As play continued, haltingly, we began to have other questions, like, “Did you notice all the KEEPING ABREAST questions directed toward women are statistics jokes like, ‘In a survey about dating, what percentage of women think it is okay to date three or more men at the same time? A.11. B.31. C.89. D.100 percent, if all the men are Johns!'”

   “Who is this game FOR?” became the new question.

   “Wait, maybe this would be a good way to get comfortable talking frankly about
sex,” said the democratic Sarah.

   “This space is called PUBIC PARKING,” deadpanned Gwynne. And with that, the game was abandoned.

From our Inbox

“PRESS RELEASE — Wee Sing Again for the Holidays — There are few things more magical for children than the holidays. But, what if they could ride on a snowflake to visit Santa at the North Pole? With Wee Sing’s new holiday DVD, Wee Sing The Best Christmas Ever, children can imagine their way with Poofer the elf as he takes them to Santa’s workshop on his snowflake sleigh…What is the staying power of Wee Sing?”

In the News

Hustler is publishing a lesbian love scene starring Paris Hilton.

Thailand has officially announced a Miss Spinster Thailand pageant. The opening line to this article is “The telephone doesn’t ring anymore.”
John and Victoria Gotti’s sons were beat up at the mall for hitting on someone’s sister.

A British chippy whose working name is the Green-Eyed Goddess hires herself out to flirt with men in order to make their wives or girlfriends jealous.

Tom Brokaw does not skinny dip after all.

Lynn Harris writes in Salon about the new niche magazine for women trying to get pregnant. It’s called Conceive.
Apparently, this is really Ron Jeremy’s blog.

United Kingdom teenagers now receive text messages about safe sex as part of a new social service campaign.

The pocket rocket is named one of the ten worst toys for kids.
Naked gnomes are stolen from a German amusement part, and people are actually surprised.
Product Placement

Take refuge in the lap pillow.

For the lady in your life: the new necklace craze, ballsies.
The O’Reilly Factor For Kids.

Target is apparently offering anal massage. Or they were, anyway. We swear. And the moral of the story is: always do screen captures!

Fly naked.

Just in time for the holidays: celebrity-autographed staplers. Bob Newhart, anyone?

Tabloid Fodder

People

Cover: “Jude Law: Sexiest Man Alive.”

Star Jones, Fairy Princess or Bridezilla?: Fairy princess — “She is a kinder gentler Star for falling in love,” View cohost Meredith Vieira says.

This week’s lucky number: Ten (the number of topless men in the “sexy pages”).

Sex promised/delivered: 7/6. Minus one point for photo of Donald Trump and word “sexy” on same page.

Us Weekly

Cover: “Jesssica & Nick: She’s Flirting, He’s Hurting.”

Star Jones, Fairy Princess or Bridezilla?: Fairy Princess — “It’s something I’ve dreamed of since I was eight,” the bride said.

This week’s lucky number: Four — the number of times Cameron Diaz is shown flipping off paparazzi.

Sex promised/delivered: 6/7. Plus one for this breast euphemism: “Bill Gates checked out Mischa Barton’s software.”
In Touch

Cover: “Is it OVER? Jessica’s still angry! Is it too late for a second chance with Nick?”

Star Jones, Fairy Princess or Bridezilla?: Fairy Princess — her wedding “rivaled Princess Di’s.”

This week’s lucky number: Twenty-seven (feet of Star’s dress train).

Sex promised/delivered: 9/7. Two too many pages on Katie Couric’s love life.
Star

Cover: “Kirstie: TOO FAT FOR SEX!”

Star Jones, Fairy Princess or Bridezilla?: “Bridezilla!”

This week’s lucky number: Two-hundred-sixty (pounds of Kirstie Alley, rendering her sexless) and eight (weeks Britney is reportedly pregnant).

Sex promised/delivered: 10/10. “Overeating and sex starved, Kirstie Alley is wreaking havoc on the set of her
new TV show."

 



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appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, Mark Harrison and Kate Sullivan

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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