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Crush of the Week


We admit, we’re still a little concerned by Paul Reubens and his “vintage erotic collection,” which apparently included “valuable, historical” material like “HOT TEENS!” We had a lot of compassion for Paul when he got busted, all scraggly-haired and unzipped, at that porn theater a few years ago, but you’d think anyone with the brains to invent “Chairy” would have been smart enough to avoid the underage stuff when amassing his vast porn trove. Still, we can have a crush on Pee-Wee, can’t we? Pee-Wee was pure of heart. Pee-Wee was funny. Pee-Wee didn’t have a thing for high schoolers. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Photos of the Week


Check out the graffiti in our building’s elevator. We suspect the male models on the eleventh floor.

Three cheers for Queen Elizabeth’s randy kilted seatmate. “His father William West, a retired major in the Gordon Highlanders, said: ‘We are bound by the Official Secrets Act so we can’t say what’s under the kilt. But my son nearly let the cat out of the bag.'”

Men snuggle up to create the world’s longest beard chain.



Most popular holiday photos this week include right-wing paramilitary crotches and Santa asses.

The new word in fashion: H.R. Giger?

Sarah Jessica’s billboard proved too sexy for Jerusalem.

Quotes of the Week


“A lot of people think you should wait till you’re older to have kids. I’ve had a career since I was sixteen, have traveled around the world & back and even kissed Madonna! The only thing I haven’t done so far is experience the closest thing to God and that’s having a baby. I can’t wait!” — Britney Spears

“It would be ridiculous to sack editors of newspapers if they had affairs with deputy editors or whatever. Very few newspapers would ever come out.” — Peter Preston, who’s been covering the sex scandals of right-wing raunch-fest The Spectator.

“Pornography really does, unlike other addictions, biologically cause direct release of the most perfect addictive substance. That is, it causes masturbation, which causes release of the naturally occurring opioids. It does what heroin can’t do, in effect.” — Jeffrey Satinover, a psychiatrist and advisor to the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality, speaking at a hearing of the Senate Commerce Committee’s Science, Technology and Space Subcommittee, at which pornographic materials were refered to as “erototoxins.”

“I think everybody’s a slut and they should admit it.” — Pam “Voice of Reason” Anderson

In the News

The New York Times reports on “the next big thing” in plastic surgery: labia makeovers. Our Lisa Carver did a brilliant undercover article on the practice four years ago.

More than a thousand readers protested after a sixteen-page advertising insert full of anti-gay marriage rhetoric ran in The Washington Post Sunday.

Israeli soldiers are in trouble after a naked photo of them ended up in the newspaper. “I am shocked by the lack of proportions,” said one father.

The oldest example of written pornography is going up for auction at Sotheby’s. It’s a seventeenth-century gem called “Sodom.”

Cable access is full of — really big surprise — sex. This article doesn’t tell us much, but it does have the best lede of the week: “Full-on boffing. That’s what Bonnie Valentine found while channel-surfing late one night.”

Interstate 69 is NOT undergoing a name change, as was widely reported. Come on — it’s not like we’re living under a conservative reactionary government that arbitrarily censors things.

From Our Inbox

“The most irreverent character to happen
to humorous Jewish literature since Philip Roth’s Portnoy first
complained, thirty-seven year old Norbert Wilner [in Eliezer Sobel’s
novel Minyan:
Ten Jewish Men in a World That is Heartbroken
] has mastered
the art of arrested development. Living in New York City and still
trying to find his place in the world, Wilner remains permanently
bonded to the immature Jewish guys he grew up with in the Jersey
suburbs. Most of them are still single and continue to search for
God, women, and a good deli sandwich, though not necessarily in
that order.”

Product Placement


Terra claims to be the sexiest snack chip ever.

“Dragon Oil,” recently received by a Nerve staff member as a gift, is used to delay ejaculation and cure impotence. The directions suggest you use the spray on the “peins” 20-minutes before “going to bed.” The product would be suspect were it not for the face and naked torso of trusted actor Carl Weathers, who is shown on the box fondling a woman. We’re wondering if this photo is of him as Action Jackson or Apollo Creed; we have a feeling he doesn’t know he’s the poster boy for Dragon Oil.

At last: the Internet Mammogram.

Crush of the Week


People

Cover: “Kirstie Alley: ‘Now it’s time to lose the weight.'”

Person we should pity this week: Kirstie Alley, because she has to diet.

Person we should admire: Prince William, because he’s so down to earth: “What William wants to do next is attend Sandhurst military academy and… if necessary, fight a war.”

Sex promised/delivered: 3/4. Plus one point for putting a headline over Condoleezza’s crotch that reads “The Velvet Hammer.”

Us Weekly

Cover: “Desperate Housewife?”

Person we should pity this week: J. Lo, because she’s stuck in the suburbs with a controlling husband.

Person we should admire: Nicole Kidman, because she has a new boyfriend.

Sex promised/delivered: 8/7. Minus one point for the constant baby fetishizing. “Look!
Little Angels in their Arms,” reads one headline.

In Touch

Cover: “Fighting in Public! Headed for a BREAKUP?”

Person we should pity this week: J. Lo, because her marriage is doomed.

Person we should admire: Julia Roberts, because she’s having babies! Everyone likes babies!

Sex promised/delivered: 9/9. Jealousy 101: “Jessica’s Revenge” = Cozying up to her Dukes of Hazzard co-star to get her husband’s attention.

Star

Cover: “Stars Without Makeup!”

Person we should pity this week: No one! No pity! Destroy your idols!

Person we should admire: No one! Celebrities are horrible, disgusting people who must be defeated!

Sex promised/delivered: 10/10. During the French Revolution, Star would be manning the guillotine.

 



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Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, and Kate Sullivan

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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