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 REGULARS

Crush of the Week


Once movie-star handsome, Ukrainian politician
Viktor
Yushchenko
has been disfigured by dioxin poisoning. This was diagnosed after
his wife — who may or may not be a CIA agent and who is definitely
a U.S. citizen with whom he has five children — tasted something
weird on his lips when she kissed him. But he hasn’t given up, this fertile, brave Democracy-builder
with enemies who will stop at nothing. These days,
you can’t turn on a TV without hearing Paula Zahn emote about Yushchenko’s “hardened
resolve.” And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada
Calhoun

Quotes of the Week

"I will have to knock off a few more points for the gratuitous use of alliteration (‘pork-barrel paramour?’), a literary device frequently abused by amateur and/or inept advice columnists. (For truly horrifying examples of alliteration abuse, see Time Out New York ‘sexpert’ Jamie ‘Butt Rasta’ Bufalino’s totally terrible, repugnantly repulsive, criminally crappy column ‘Get Naked.’" — Dan Savage, trashing his competition.

“An East Texas school district canceled an annual homecoming tradition in which boys dress as girls and girls as boys after conservative Christians warned that cross-dressing leads to homosexuality. ‘It
might be fun today to dress up like a little girl,’ said mother Delena
Davies. ‘And you start playing around with it and, like drugs, you
do a little here and there, and eventually it gets you.’ Instead,
students will celebrate ‘Camo Day,’ dressing in Army camouflage and
black boots.” — The
Week

Photos of the Week


Thanks to a reader in Tokyo for telling us about this website with photos from erotic museums in Japan. How’s this for an educational diorama?

The tree in this Italian
mural
has
branches covered in penises. It’s an early example of political
propaganda.

Another dirty old picture is “The Kermesse of St. George,” a rare Brueghel recently up for auction. It shows “inebriated villagers drinking, fighting, kissing, urinating, dancing, vomiting and defecating with complete abandon.”

Meet the FDA condom tester.

British singer Charlotte Church is all grown up — and sunbathing!

One of the freakier photo submissions of the week was this feet portfolio.

And yet, this photo of Henry Kissinger and Geraldo Rivera kissing is infinitely scarier.

Our office building’s mysterious elevator vandal strikes again!

Rejection Letter of the Week

Hi Kate,

Thanks so much for your interest in the Dungeons Christmas feature of Satan’s Grotto. I have had a quick look at the sex advice interviews on Nerve.com and I think that perhaps the content is slightly too adult for our target audience, so I would like to decline this time. Hope you have a great Christmas and good luck with the article!

Kind regards

PR Manager (Dungeons)

Merlin Entertainments Ltd

www.thedungeons.com

www.merlinentertainments.co.uk

In the News

The Madame Tussads nativity scene, featuring the less-than-holy Beckhams as Mary and Joseph, was attacked recently by an angry Christian. Apparently the man didn’t take offense at the casting of Tony Blair, George W. Bush and the Duke of Edinburgh as the Three Wise Men.

A touring production of the musical revue Naked Boys Singing was shut down in Atlanta because the show didn’t have an adult-entertainment license.

Tom Wolfe won
an award
for worst sex writing. May we direct you now to the Nerve
interview
with Mr. Wolfe, for clues to how it all went so very,
very wrong.

Behold, a mathematical formula proving that girls are evil, from the
noted scientific journal “Craigslist.

Paris Hilton walked in on a One Night in Paris viewing party. Talk about awkward.

Forget online dating; hand puppets provide a much more effective pick-up strategy.

In a surgery called total phallic reconstruction, men give a portion of their left arm to cure micropenis, a condition in which the erect penis is no longer than three inches. “It sounds like a workout video,” quips our assistant Sarah.

Tickets to an “elegant” candlelight dinner with a special appearance by President George W. Bush will cost $100,000. “If I’m paying that for that dinner, I better be getting some from the Bush twins afterward,” quips our assistant Kate.

Meanwhile, our office manager Gwynne reports that the BBC sex-ed movie for girls is “unrealistic,
because it shows a girl trying to dynamite her labia off,” but that
the boy
one
, which takes on penis-size anxiety, is truly hysterical.

We reported recently on the Senate pornography hearing. We have now located the "erototoxins" speech in its entirety. Apparently, “thanks to the latest advances in neuroscience, we now know that pornographic visual images imprint and alter the brain, triggering an instant, involuntary, but lasting, biochemical memory trail, arguably, subverting the First Amendment by overriding the cognitive speech process.” If you’re reading this, you’re probably already a lost cause, but if you’d like to further diagnose your pathology, check out the Violence Pyramid to which the speaker refers. How many risk factors do YOU have?

Readers Write In!

We’re just so honored anyone reads us! Here’s an email we got about last week’s one-liner about the “New England Leather Alliance Flea Market”:

From: *****

>Date: Fri, 10 Dec 2004 10:09:39 -0800 (PST)

>To: ada@nerve.com

>Subject: New England Fetish Fair Flea Market –12/7 Scanner

> >Don’t you just *hate* it when you jump to a conclusion

>about a news item, skipping facts that then bite you

>on the ankle?

>
>The New England Fetish Fair Flea Market is a flea

>market like Folsom Street has a fair. I hope I don’t

>have to explain *that* reference to you. The Village

>Voice has called it the third largest fetish event in

>the country, with around 100 vendors…of NEW

>products, and an audience of several thousand. (There

>is usually one small display of used leather jackets

>in homage to the name.)

>
>All this is no secret. If you’re lucky, not too many

>people will notice the piece and you won’t look quite

>as foolish as you seem to me. Does anybody at Nerve

>check facts, or are you all so hot for the one-liner

>that you don’t bother? Crikey, am I glad I left the

>business!

Intern Applicant of the Week

Last week: The Rapper.
This week: The Model (headshot attached).
From her cover letter:

"Although I am working in front of the camera right now, my true love lies
sub rosa. The ultimate goal is always the same; to make enough money to live
out my dream…. I’d truly like to one day live on a deserted island in a hut
in the midst of a tropical paradise where worries are non-existant & love is
everlasting, where I can bathe in the sea & nap in the trees, where music is
electrifying, love is intoxicating, and beauty is arousing. I live for the nights
staring up at the stars; the days spent sleeping in the sand. And, I would write.
I would write the books I’ve always wanted to write, I would finish the screenplay
I started a year ago, and I could write journals or articles. It would be an
utterance of perfection. Add passionately wild and seductive smashing…and you
have sublimity. I would love to hear from you and maybe set up an interview of
sorts.”
Product Placement


Knit-your-own-womb doll. (Via Boing Boing.)

The Tingler “relieves stress,” presumably by means of lobotomy.

The Stranger is doing a fun charity auction for the holidays. For example, now on eBay: the pictured band StabMasterArson will clean your house in their underwear. Then presumably they will stab you and burn your place down. Doesn’t it make you wish you lived in Seattle?

Tabloid Fodder

Us Weekly

Cover: “Brad’s Heartache”

Psychological profile of Brad Pitt: Saintly family man. “[Little girls],
they crush me. They break my heart… You know, I’m going to get all boys just
because of it…Listen, I’ll take them all at this point. I’ll take them all.”

Psychological profile of Jennifer Aniston: Heartless career woman. “[Parenthood] deserves time like my career deserves time.”

Sex promised/delivered: 7/6. Minus one point for photos of Star Jones’s honeymoon.


People

Cover: “Lindsay Lohan: Her Family Crisis”

Psychological profile of Brad Pitt: Did we mention we got an exclusive with Lindsay Lohan?

Psychological profile of Jennifer Aniston: What? Don’t you want to hear more about Julia’s twins?!

Sex promised/delivered: 3/2. When they say “Leo Dicaprio Flying High,” they
don’t mean drugs.

In Touch

Cover: “Marriage Trouble”

Psychological profile of Brad Pitt: Patient, baby-hungry sex god.

Psychological profile of Jennifer Aniston: Lying ice queen. “I would love to start my family when Friends is done,” Jen said in May 2003. “As Friends finished filming… instead of a baby, Jen was busy promoting Along Came Polly in Europe.” Stone her!

Sex promised/delivered: 8/7. Minus one point for this headline: “Has Liv got the biggest bump ever?”

Star

Cover: “Brad & Jen’s Separate Lives!”

Psychological profile of Brad Pitt: “Would rather focus on fatherhood than film.”

Psychological profile of Jennifer Aniston: “More in the mood for making a scene than making babies.”

Sex promised/delivered: 9/9. Minus one point for following Drew Barrymore to her father’s funeral. Plus one point for the chart explaining the difference between Brit’s baby (a hairless chihuahua) and a real baby: “Brit’s Baby Eats at Restaurants in a Crib. Real Babies Eat in High Chairs.”

 



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appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins and Kate Sullivan

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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