Let us now reflect on the images that defined 2004.

This strip-club billboard has ruined Christmas for a small British town. "I've had a call this morning from the mother of a six-year-old girl who was both embarrassed and upset about the advert," said an authority there. "The little girl wanted to know what had happened to the real Father Christmas."

Behold, the controversial orb lady at the Olympic games.

The sub-kilt penis, just inches away from the Queen.

Robot porn!

Mariah Carey, nearly naked, ignored by adolescent boys.

The most overtly sexual award statuette of all time.

Rimming came to New York City's Houston Street.

Christina campaigned for abstinence. And for Skechers.

Rasputin's penis went on display.

The Axe Deodorant ads freaked everyone out.

For a while, everyone was having sex onstage to call attention to obscure political causes.

A bunch of teachers, including this one, got in trouble for having sex with their students.

Sailors were encouraged to fondle wax dummies.

Barbie got a new boyfriend: Blaine.

Gift ideas, courtesy of Product Placement:

Boyfriend and girlfriend pillows.

Glowcocks.

Weanie Babies.

Dyke Dolls.

Backless g-strings.

The Utilikilt.

Calendar of hot priests available in Vatican City. Not to be confused with the new Guys Gone Wild franchise.

Fetosoap.

Realdoll and/or Superbabe.

Celebrate a dry spell with "Asexuality: it's not just for amoebas" clothing.

And finally, now on eBay, the David Hasselhoff Christmas iPod. You can even watch
a little video on the site of him signing it. God bless us, everyone!

Finally, may we ask everyone to please say grace over your holiday meal for all our crushes of the week and for Bonnie Fuller, but most of all for our patron saint, the trashiest of the trashy, Mrs. Britney Federline, who gave so much this year, and took so little.