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Crush of the Week


Our feelings for Kelly Ripa are well-established, and so, if only for
proximity to her, Regis would be on our list. But here he is now, bravely stepping
in
for Dick Clark as host of this year’s “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.” We
have a feeling it’s going to be even rockinger than ever: “I find that
my juices are flowing," Regis says. And for that,
he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Quotes of the Week

“Orgasms are unforgettable. I just re-enacted
one. It took only two takes.” — Tara
Reid
in Stuff.

“You can go with the girls to some sissy ‘boot camp,’ do yoga and eat tofu, but you can’t tell your friends about it. Can you? Well now you can come to the Aspen Man Camp, where we understand what it means to train like a man, eat like a man, recreate like a man.TO BE A MAN!!! … Leave your inner child at home, and unleash ‘The Hairy Beast Within’!!!” — the website for Aspen Man Camp. (Best testimonial: “I want in on the Man Camp. I want in BIG!”)

“This tremendous imbalance between the demand for catchers by most of the fellows and the very small or nonexistent supply of available willing partners is extremely important to understanding the way prisoners relate to each other.” — from an article doling out prison sex advice.

“It was sexier than any of my porn films. We rubbed against each other and danced like a sandwich.” — a Scandanavian porn star who claims to have had a threesome with Robbie Williams.

“Pay no attention to those voices over there. They are the special interests. Special interests don’t like me in Sacramento because I kick their butt.” — Arnold Schwarzenneger at a conference celebrating women, after being interrupted by people protesting his healthcare policy.

Tempting Offer of the Week

From Craigslist: “Here’s my situation: I’m an attractive, very successful, workaholic entrepreneur in my early 30s and I’m looking to make up for a little of the time I spent making money during my 20s, time I should have been out meeting women. My problem is, every time I go to a bar or club, I end up standing in the corner with a drink, either meeting the type of women I’m not attracted to or not meeting anyone at all. I’ve always been great at business, but not so much at meeting members of the opposite sex. Here’s what I need: I need a wingman, or a wingwoman, or a tutor, call it what you will. I’m looking to partner with someone who is very social — if you’re a guy, you’re a charmer, you have women crawling all over you every time you go out. If you’re a woman, you’re real gregarious, you have lots of friends and you make more easily. Whoever you are, I would come out with you now and again, watch you work the room, meet the same women you’re meeting. At the end of the night I’d pay you (quite well) for your time (we can work out how much when we talk). It sounds a little unorthodox, I know — but I’m on the level. I’m just looking to meet people. Feel free to e-mail me. Bartender / actor / actress types especially encouraged to apply.”

Photos of the Week


Almost-definitely-fake-but-so-what photo of a young George W. Bush, courtesy of Popbitch.

The photo caption is “a gay couple in Germany.” We’re thinking it’s actually “a gay couple at Disneyland.”

Progress: now you can drive around in a robotic ovary.

In the News

San Antonio strippers will soon be required to wear permits while on stage.

A “regrettable scheduling error” led to a scuffle between the transgender activists and the parents of young children at a Chicago YMCA.

Kangaroo balls are approved for the Atkins diet.

Product Placement

The Blair Underwood film Do Geese See God? is mistakenly listed on Amazon as Do Geese See God. We wonder if that religious beastiality cult has sprung up yet.

The very serious Hammerhead Sled is advertised as “for girls with blood on their lips, and those who aspire to such.”

Apparently, the MILF frenzy has led some over-achievers to embrace GILFs (grandmothers I’d like to fuck). Join the craze with the GILF T-shirt: “The new millennium brings with it women of age, wisdom, and sexual experience. Everyone raise an ice cold frosty brew to those silver foxes with silver boxes.”

The website Date
to Save
encourages hot Christian girls to date (and convert)
single heathen men.
   From the webmistress: “Hello, my name is Tamara! As you can probably
tell, I’m a Christian who loves Jesus and cares for all humans, even
the wicked. What you probably don’t know is that I’m hot…I want to
use my beauty for GOD, and want to encourage my sisters in Christ to
do the same, according to the Great Commission.” Sample advice: “6.
If he tries to kiss you… Remind him that a kiss killed your Savior.”
   And there’s lots
of merchandise available, including the Date to Save thong!
   Those
who love their cats more than missionary work may instead check out the pet-lovers
dating site, Date
My Pet
.

Tabloid Fodder


People

Cover: “Best (& Worst) of 2004”

Boldest year-in-review claim: “Brown became the new blonde!”

Most obvious editor-is-on-vacation feature: “Randy Jackson’s Playlist.”

Sex promised/delivered: 2/2. So like People to make “the Worst” parenthetical, and then do yet another puff piece on the Bush family.

Us Weekly

Cover: “2004’s Hookups & Breakups!”

Boldest year-in-review claim: “In 2004, Lopez’s usually lovely look went a little loco.”

Most obvious editor-is-on-vacation feature: “Liv’s Baby Gifts.”


Sex promised/delivered: 6/7. Plus one point for the genuinely pornographic photos of Lindsay and Paris in the centerfold.

In Touch

Cover: "It’s Baby Time!"

Boldest year-in-review claim: “William Hung was American Idol‘s biggest loser ever.”

Most obvious editor-is-on-vacation feature: “You can’t always predict a baby’s gender by listening to old wives’ tales!”

Sex promised/delivered: 7/7. Minus one point for baby mania. Plus one for New Year’s Eve drink recipes.

Star

Cover: “Nick and Jessica’s Secret 2nd Honeymoon”

Boldest year-in-review claim: Sharon Stone is “growing younger.”

Most obvious editor-is-on-vacation feature: “Katie Couric’s romance is still solid.”

Sex promised/delivered: 10/10. Only Star could unearth the
perfect name for the overinflated-collagen-lip look: “Trout Pouts.”

 



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Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins and Kate Sullivan

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