Ethan, 29, Israeli diplomat stationed in New York

In what country or city am I most likely to get laid on a quick vacation?
Sweden. In the same way that Israelis like blondes, Swedes like darker people. When you look different, you get more attention.

So how should you pick up an Israeli?
Well, I don't want to offend my Israeli sisters, but if you're a Swedish guy, they'll be all over you. Israelis like tall, good-looking tourists — especially if you promise to take them to Europe.

If you're single, how do you pick up the hottie sitting next to you on the plane?
Offer them a Mentos or gum. No one's going to turn that down. Also give her your dessert, it's like giving her chocolates on the first date. If she's really good-looking and sitting in the middle, offer to switch seats so she can be more comfortable. But you may not want to sit in the middle if it's a fifteen-hour flight, so think about your strategy.

If you're traveling with your lover, what's the best way to make out with them on a plane or bus without getting caught? Are you a member of the mile-high club?
I'm a five-time member, but always claim you're a mile-high virgin. Night flights are the best. Use a blanket.

Is pretending to be lost a good way to pick up a local?
You don't want to look too stupid. Better to ask a more sophisticated question and show you have some knowledge, like asking which is the better of two routes to get to a certain place. It helps to have a lost-puppy look. Or pretend it's your driver's day off, so you need a little extra help.

promotion

What is the best way to diplomatically tell your lover the following:
Their oral sex technique needs improvement.
Just push their head. Take control. Not in a way that will make them nauseous, but once you gently move their head, they will understand that something's not working. But a blowjob is a job, not a paid vacation. Remember, practice makes perfect. The cucumbers in the States are huge compared to the ones in Israel, so practice!

Their hygiene needs improving.
By the look on your face. That is the best signal. You have to say it delicately. Spray them with your cologne.

Is faking it justifiable? If so, when?
For a woman, yes. Their mothers teach them how to fake or something, no? It's women's nature to fake so they can talk about it over salads with girlfriends at lunch.

My boyfriend never instigates sex and I always have to make the first move. How do I get him to be more proactive?
Dump him! Seriously, check him out. Something doesn't make sense.

Male bisexuality: myth or fact?
An orgy is a good way to justify experimentation. Hey! We are missing the debate right now. You know, they say John Kerry is too liberal and Bush is too conservative. I think in three weeks we'll know if this country is more bisexual or homophobic, and if they're ready to broaden their horizons.

Are there any exotic positions practiced in other countries that we don't know about Stateside?
Come on, in America there is nothing you don't know that we do. The U.S. is forty times the population of Israel. So I'm sure with all the people here, you haven't missed a thing.

Adlai Stevenson said the definition of a diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Can you give me some tips for playing hard to get?
Throw some food at the dog and it follows you, no? For guys, don't call the next day. For women, that is the worst twenty-four hours of her life.

What's the strangest sexual ritual you've seen while stationed overseas?
It was in New Hampshire, actually. I saw a group of old people jerking off together in a huge field. For me, it was a big turn-off because they were quite unattractive. But seeing old people have sex was a good thing — there is hope.

I found out my girlfriend has had three times her age in sexual partners. Is dumping her over this justified?
I like older women, so if she's with me, I'd take it as a compliment.

My boyfriend just can't seem to find the G-spot. What's the best way to locate it?
Take his hand, put it in there, travel, find it, and memorize. If he can't find it after the first semester, there are other guys in class.

A theoretical someone is really into being a top or a bottom. Okay or harmful social conditioning?
You can't be a top or a bottom. You have to roll over, like a cellphone with rollover minutes. If you keep it all the same you'll end up voting for George W. Bush. You gotta flip-flop like Kerry. It's actually a good thing. I wish I could vote. Americans shouldn't take this privilege for granted. Go to the polls on November 2nd. In some countries you can get arrested for not showing up at the polls if you can't prove you were sick or in the hospital. You have to pay a fine. So the voting rates are like 98%. In Israel, the rate is 80%.

By the end of the day, I'm usually stressed out from work and have zero libido, while my lover is raring to go. I'm worried he/she thinks I'm over him/her. How to deal?
A guy should never have zero libido. If he does, I'd question what he did before he got home. For a girl, get her in bed and go down on her to wake her up or try a new toy. She'll be happy.

Any last thoughts to share?
Celebrate life — and go to the polls! There are so many places in the world where you can't even hold hands in the street, especially not two men — you'd be executed. So be proud you are in one of the biggest democracies in the world and enjoy your sexuality!

Randy, 54, American diplomat stationed in Germany and Kosovo

In what country or city am I most likely to get laid on a quick vacation?
Asia, because there are lots of commercial sex workers there. Manila also. They call them "guest relations officers."

How should you pick up a German?
By showing an interest and appreciation of their culture. You can say something like "Oh, I see you have a nice eighteenth-century villa here…"

If you're single, how do you pick up the hottie sitting next to you on the plane?
The ones I'm interested in never sit next to me. But if one did, I would begin a conversation — on any subject other than how to pick up someone. Keep it casual. Subtlety is key.

Is pretending to be lost a good way to pick up a local?
I don't think so because you're giving the impression that you're not very bright. You could try to ask about a particular thing you're looking at. For example, "What does this statue commemorate?"

What is the best way to diplomatically tell your lover the following:
Their oral sex technique needs improvement.
If it were my technique, I'd like to be coached — that's the best way. Tell the person to move their tongue a certain way, while indulging in the act.

Their hygiene needs improving.
Take a bubble bath together. Give her a gift of new perfume.

Their come face/demeanor is bothersome.
That's ridiculous. You should both be enjoying, not criticizing.

My boyfriend never instigates sex, and I always have to make the first move. I want to be seduced. How do I get him to be more proactive?
If you make the first move and he is then an enthusiastic participant, just talk about it. If you make the first move and he's reluctant, maybe you should find a new boyfriend. And he should find a boyfriend, too.

Male bisexuality — myth or reality?
Both men and women may choose partners of both sexes, but usually they have a preference for one or the other.

Best porn books/movies to incorporate into a relationship?
I've had some partners who've gotten lubricated after I read them a few pages of My Secret Garden. There's also an anonymous author who writes in a Victorian style and setting, such as "I began my journey in a coach from Oxford to London," but then gets down to graphic descriptions of basic acts.

Are there any exotic positions practiced in other countries that we don't know about Stateside?
Given the high rate of cultural exchange, I believe any positions practiced elsewhere are practiced in the U.S. as well.

What's the strangest sexual ritual you've seen while stationed overseas?
In Thailand, they have big phallic symbols made of stone and wood, which are very publically displayed in temples. I walked by one such place where dozens of them — from modest-sized to gigantic — were displayed and groups of women were nearby praying. I assume they were doing it to get pregnant, but maybe they were praying to get laid.

I found out my girlfriend has had three times her age in sexual partners. Is dumping her over this justified?
No, assuming these were partners prior to your relationship. Her past actions wouldn't have anything to do with you.

I want to have a threesome with my boyfriend and his sexy guy friend. How can I convince him it won't make him less of a man?
I don't think you can convince him — period. Maybe you should be going out with his friend if you have an attraction to him?

The woman I'm having sex with is married. I'm perfectly fine with our arrangement, but now she wants me to stop having sex with other people, too. This doesn't seem fair to me, but I'm addicted to her. What sort of compromise should I negotiate?
What are you doing telling her about your other activities? Bad move! But I would point out that as long as she is having sex with her husband, you should be free to have sex with someone else too. However, the success of this negotiation is not dependent on the logic of the position.

What do you mean by that?
Diplomacy, my friend.

What's the best way to approach a woman about trying anal sex?
I suppose it would be to introduce that topic in an abstract way during conversation, and see what her reaction is.

Excluding laughter and pointing at sexual organs, what's the worst thing to say/do in bed?
Being critical of the partner's technique and ability.

A theoretical someone is really into being a top or a bottom. Is that okay or harmful social conditioning?
Well, variety is the spice of life. Even if someone insists on one position, there are variations that can be played off that position.

By the end of the day, I'm usually stressed out from work and have zero libido, while my lover is raring to go. I'm worried he/she thinks I'm over him/her. How to deal?
Quit your job. Obviously you need to get your priorities straight. Seriously, just get a good night's sleep and go at it the next morning.

Can you think of any foreign foods that are good aphrodisiacs?
Liquor is quicker. I've been unlucky in finding libido-enhancing foods. I think it's more in the mind.

Anne, 32, American diplomat stationed in Italy

In what country or city am I most likely to get laid on a quick vacation?
Definitely the Greek islands, like Mykonos and Santorini. Mykonos is a party island, great for men, women, transgenders, whatever. Everyone can find someone on Mykonos.

How should you pick up an Italian?
Well, Italy is all about appearance. Not just expensive fashions like Prada or Dolce — it's about your look. And the look to get the guy is pointy high heels, tight pants, a cleavage-accentuating top. Men are focused on your body. If you look like a high-class slut, you'll get picked up in a minute.

If you're single, how do you pick up the hottie sitting next to you on the plane?
Strike up a conversation about travel. World travel is sexy. Ask them what they're doing at their destination, where they've been. While you're making small talk, order a couple of cocktails and hope it's a long flight!

If you're traveling with your lover, what's the best way to make out with them on a plane or bus without getting caught?
Airline blankets are surprisingly soft, and business-class seats have become really comfortable over the years. During night flights, two people can fit into one business-class seat under a blanket without raising any eyebrows. The best position in the bathroom would be if the guy is standing near the toilet and the woman sits on the counter near the sink. But make it a quickie, and the best time is during the movie when you're less likely to be interrupted.

And the mile-high club? Ever done it?
Um, I don't remember.

Is pretending to be lost a good way to pick up a local?
Being easily recognizable as a foreign woman, you don't even have to pretend to be lost. All you do is strike up a conversation. Anything, whether asking about an item on a menu, a product in a grocery store…If you do see someone interesting on the street, you could whip out your map and feign being lost. I remember picking up a guy when I pretended to be looking for the Tower of Pisa in downtown Florence. [The tower is located in Pisa, Italy.] He was so concerned about my being in the wrong town, he ended up offering to take me there himself on the train!

What is the best way to diplomatically tell your lover the following:
Their oral sex technique needs improvement.
Just guide them as necessary. Be honest and say there are some things that would turn you on more.

Their hygiene needs improving.
Give them your favorite cologne or perfume as a gift. Then suggest taking a shower together after sex. Soap each other up.

Their come face/demeanor is bothersome.
Come on! No pun intended by that. We all make weird faces sometimes. Take it as a compliment and enjoy.

Is faking it justifiable? If so, when?
Yes, if it's a guy you care about, and maybe he came too fast or just wasn't doing it for you that night, you might want to build his ego by letting him think you came. But, if you have to fake over and over again, you either need to talk about it or move on.

My boyfriend never instigates sex and I always have to make the first move. How do I get him to be more proactive?
Why not slip on some sexy lingerie? Play the sex kitten role. If he doesn't take the hint, and the problem continues, he might not be into you anymore.

Male bisexuality: myth or fact?
I would think he'd lean one way more than the other.

Are there any exotic positions practiced in other countries that we don't know about Stateside?
You could check out the Kama Sutra, but I really think in some other cultures people have less inhibition toward sex, which leads to heightened creativity and receptiveness towards experimentation. I remember one foreign lover who could do it standing up, holding me up against the wall.

Adlai Stevenson said the definition of a diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Can you give some tips for playing hard to get?
This is hard for me — I tend to show my feelings openly. That's not good if you want to make a guy want you. You have to make him wait and want to be with you. I've learned you need to keep up an air of mystery. Pretend you're busy. Don't see them all the time, even if you want to. Be a little vague about your plans.

What's the strangest sexual ritual you've seen while stationed overseas?
In Tunisia, I saw a wedding procession where the bride and groom were inside a sort of cocoon-looking thing that was strapped to the top of a camel. I would venture to say they were doing it in there.

I found out my girlfriend has had three times her age in sexual partners. Is dumping her over this justified?
That depends whether you want to be with her. Maybe she had to go through that many men to find you. I wouldn't just dump some one because of their past if things are going well in the present. Maybe you'll be the last guy on that list. Besides, being with a woman who's experienced between the sheets might not be such a bad thing.

I want to have a threesome with my boyfriend and his sexy guy friend. How can I convince him it won't make him less of a man?
You can't. I really think you're running the risk of losing your boyfriend if you're interested in his best friend. Maybe you're with the wrong guy.

Does the G-spot exist? My boyfriend just can't seem to find it. What's the best way to locate it?
What does the G stand for?

Maybe you're the wrong person for this question.
I don't think there's a spot way in there. I think it's just slightly inside, towards the front. The best way to locate it is practice. But I don't think it's up there. I can show you sometime where I think it might be.

That's okay, thanks. What's the best way to approach a woman about trying anal sex?
It either happens or not in the heat of the moment.

Excluding laughter and pointing at sexual organs, what's the worst thing to say/do in bed?
Reminisce about other sexual partners, talk about old boyfriends or say the wrong name, especially if it's the name of a former boyfriend

A theoretical someone is really into being a top or a bottom. Is that okay or harmful social conditioning?
Harmful! If you do it the same way all the time, it will get so boring.

By the end of the day, I'm usually stressed out from work and have zero libido, while my lover is raring to go. I'm worried he/she thinks I'm over him/her. How to deal?
An espresso is a great upper. An Italian espresso with a good heaping spoonful of sugar will do the trick! Of you could try a nice glass or two of red Montepulciano wine.

What about the red-wine sleepiness factor?
True. Maybe a ten-minute jog. Or a little snack. Oh, you know what's really good? A melted Italian cheese called Cacio with freshly sliced pear and honey. Melt the cheese slowly in the pan, and slice the pears on top, then drizzle some honey over it. Serve it while the cheese is still drippy and warm…mmmm. That will get you in the mood.

Luc, 26, French diplomat stationed in New York

In what country or city am I most likely to get laid on a quick vacation?
Spain. It's the weather — it makes you feel hot.

How should you pick up a French person?
Just go up to them in a bar and tell them, "I wanna do it right now, with you, in the bathroom!"

If you're single, how do you pick up the hottie sitting next to you on the plane?
Simply lean over and say, "I wanna do it right now, with you, in the bathroom!"

If you're traveling with your lover, what's the best way to make out with them on a plane or bus without getting caught?
You should write an "Out of Service" sign and stick it to the bathroom door right before you go in. No one will bother you. Don't lose your underwear. But American girls have a reputation for not wearing underwear.

Is pretending to be lost a good way to pick up a local?
It's the best way. If you can speak French with a cute American accent, even better.

What is the best way to diplomatically tell your lover the following:
Their oral sex technique needs improvement.
If I loved her, I'd tell her, "I don't feel like this is something you enjoy, so it's not very important for you to do it."

Really?
Really.

Wow. What about a one night stand? You're only there for one thing, and it's not going so well.
Oh, I would never call her again.

Their hygiene needs improving.
Buy her some nice body lotions and soaps. Pretend it's an early, or late, birthday present.

Their come face/demeanor is bothersome.
Don't make her come anymore. Just kidding. Let it go, you don't want to make her uncomfortable. Deal with it, because someone might think the same about you.

Is faking it justifiable? If so, when?
Yes, if you had a bad day and it's not happening, you don't want to make them uncomfortable.

Does that go for men as well as women?
Absolutely, yes, because men can get tired and not feel like it just as much as women. We all need to fake it sometimes.

My boyfriend never instigates sex and I always have to make the first move. How do I get him to be more proactive?
If you want to create the desire and make his libido soar, wear some sexy lingerie, and hang out in it. French brands are the best — try Aubade!

Male bisexuality: myth or fact?
I think people who say they're bisexual are really just still deciding if they are into men or women. They're confused and haven't chosen yet, it's kind of like a…how do you say…identity crisis.

Best porn books/movies to incorporate into a relationship?
There is a French porn star called Laure Sinclair. She's quite famous, and I would recommend her films for somebody who wants to try this.

Are there any exotic positions practiced in other countries that we don't know about Stateside?
Well, instead of sixty-nine, the ninety-six.

What? How does that work?
Let me show you. (He draws a diagram.) In the ninety-six, the man is going down on the woman, while she's on top. She's kneeling on his face, facing towards the top of his head. She arches her back, like the bridge in yoga, and takes him in her mouth.

Adlai Stevenson said the definition of a diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Can you give some tips for playing hard to get?
It's quite simple, in fact. Never get laid on the first night. Never, ever, ever.

What's the strangest sexual ritual you've seen as you've been stationed overseas?
It's in the Reeperbahn neighborhood in Hamburg, Germany. There's a small side street that is actually closed to women. It's lined with naked girls in windows, and there are wooden doors on each side of the street where prostitutes allow men only to come in. The street is about fifty meters long; it's a really shocking place.

I want to have a threesome with my boyfriend and his sexy guy friend. How can I convince him it won't make him less of a man?
The woman should bring her best friend, too. Make things even by having a foursome.

My boyfriend can't seem to find the G-spot. What's the best way to locate it?
Hmmm. It does exist, but it depends on the woman. It's hard to explain this in a foreign language. I can tell you in French. Pour atteindre le point G, il faut exercer la penetration la plus profonde posibile pour frotter et ainsi exciter la parte supereure du vagin. Well, think of it as a metaphor: you have to work for it.

Excluding laughter and pointing at sexual organs, what's the worst thing to say/do in bed?
Scream the name of an ex. I won't have that problem because my current girlfriend and ex have the same name.

A theoretical someone is really into being a top or a bottom, is that okay or harmful social conditioning?
I would want somebody to do both. The power structure has to change within a couple sometimes.

By the end of the day, I'm usually stressed out from work and have zero libido, while my lover is raring to go. I'm worried he/she thinks I'm over him/her. How to deal?
Viagra pills. And buy her sexy underwear — remember, Aubade — and a quality bottle of wine. Put on some good music and ask her to do a striptease. That should work.

Rollins, 46, English diplomat stationed in Italy

In what country or city am I most likely to get laid on a quick vacation?
Bangkok. They have sex vacations that are popular with the French and Dutch. And the Spanish islands in the summertime — like Ibiza.

If you're single, how do you pick up the hottie sitting next to you on the plane?
Don't plan it. Chemistry has its own impulse. For example, I was walking in front of the Plaza Hotel and a babe went by in a red Austin Healy convertible. Our eyes locked. I immediately smiled and she did too. So, it was immediate chemistry.

Are you a member of the mile-high club?
I'm not a member, I'm the president. What better place to exercise your libido than on a diaper-changing table on a long-distance Airbus? Bathrooms are more comfortable on an Airbus than on the Boeing 777.

Is pretending to be lost a good way to pick up a local?
I think that if you're in a foreign place — and you may or may not speak the language of the person you find visually appealing — that the eyes are automatically going to draw you to each other. You'll find the right thing to say, believe me, without thinking. No pretending to be lost — you'll be "found" when you click with the right person.

How do you make a girl have multiple orgasms?
You have to ask her and she'll tell you. If she doesn't tell you, she'll show you.

Is faking it justifiable? If so, when?
Absolutely, and multiple is really complimentary and ego-building for the other person.

My boyfriend never instigates sex, and I always have to make the first move. I want to be seduced. How do I get him to be more proactive?
Go out and find another guy — that'll make him proactive.

Are there any exotic positions practiced in other countries that we don't know about Stateside?
Absolutely, and I'm not telling. In the States, it's more regimented and traditional. Everything seems to go by the book — a very limited dictionary.

Adlai Stevenson said the definition of a diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Can you give some tips for playing hard to get?
Why bother? At this age, there's not enough time left to play games. Even when I was younger, I never feigned indifference — no way, not if I was interested.

I found out my girlfriend has had three times her age in sexual partners. Is dumping her over this justified?
Only if she doesn't have time for you.

I want to have a threesome with my boyfriend and his sexy guy friend. How can I convince him it won't make him less of a man?
Why bother? She should change boyfriends. She already thinks he's less of a man by even suggesting that. He's obviously boring her.

A theoretical someone is really into being a top or a bottom, is that okay or harmful social conditioning?
Change the floppy disk. You don't have to stay on the same program all the time. I've never thought there is a top or bottom. Who's on top or who's on the bottom — it depends on your point of view.

By the end of the day, I'm usually stressed out from work and have zero libido, while my lover is raring to go. I'm worried he/she thinks I'm over him/her. How to deal?
The body has to recoup and late in the afternoon, between four to seven p.m., the body is at its lowest energy level. Take a ten-minute nap. Sleep is the best for regaining body energy.

Any foreign foods that are great aphrodisiacs?
Chocolate of course, plus truffles, caviar and oysters. Oysters are always stronger in other countries. At least that's the rumor, maybe not the truth.  n°

Interviews by Liza Gennatiempo

Sex Advice From... appears on Thursdays. Do you have sex-advice questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.