Sex Advice From Housepainters

by Jenn Sodini

House painters, along with repairmen and pool guys, fall easily into the fantasy of stranger sex. Even had any experiences of your own with lonely housewives?
There was one smoldering July day, I'd spent a month in a half on ladders on the same building, a several story apartment building. I came to this window and I saw the woman who was living there completely naked. And you can't really run away when you're three stories up on a ladder, like you can't just duck because you might fall and die, so I just kind of waved at her. And she went "oops" and the door shut. But I still had to put another coat of paint on. Very nervous, I went back to her window, and she had set a glass of water on the windowsill. That was kind of our sweet little "You saw me naked, now have some cold water" thing.

I have a partner that's turned on by getting messy. If we're going to use paint as a part of sex play, what type of paint should we use and how should we use it?
Probably the safest and easiest thing to do would be to go to the art supply store and get the finger paint for kids. Start there and then read about paint. As long as it's water based, you should be all right.

I want my bedroom to be a love den. What colors should I use to make it as sexually inviting as possible?
Paint it the color "dick." I think they have a swatch for that.

I'm tired at the end of the day. How can I make sex shorter without making my girlfriend/boyfriend upset?
Work less and take naps, because you have to have sex for a successful relationship. That's just pretty bottom line. Not all the time. Maybe try scheduling. Are you a young professional? Sync up your iCalendars, you know, "Honey, tonight we're having sex at 6:30, is that okay with you? Because tomorrow I'll have to go to the gym and I'll be too tired."

When is it a bad idea to tell your partner your sexual fantasies?
That's a pretty use good judgment kind of call. Obviously not during a moment of silence for people dead from an airplane crash, that sort of thing. Not at their parents house. Unless they're hippies and they're cool with that sort of thing.

Tips on shooting an amateur porn video?
Location, location, location. I'm a big fan of travel shows. I like crazy locations. Like, in a tree. Or a playground at night. That's fucked up but that's kind of cool. On rooftops. Chicken coups. Horse stables. Make it an old-timey piece. Wear some chain mail and shit.

Is female ejaculation a myth or reality? And, if so, what is it?
It's more of a folk tale. I remember my grandfather sitting me down and telling me that the tears of God came from the vagina of his woman, and those tears meant she was happy and thus everything was well and good and everyone had a plate to eat from and there was food in every home and a fire in every fireplace.

Bill, 24

What painting techniques should we bring into the bedroom?
Brushing, simply, is always a good one. Pretty much any of them can be applied, really. You could use your roller for some nice massage, get warmed up with that. Maybe switch to a sprayer if you're into the more naughty, getting messy. I would steer clear of the sharp tools, the scrapers, unless you're of that ilk that's into more painful experiences.

I want my bedroom to be a love den. What colors should I use to make it as sexually inviting as possible?
Dark, warm earth tones: reds, maroons, even browns.

I'm into older women — moms. Where can I go to pick one up?
Obviously the playground is a good option, especially during the day. Um, or you could get a job as a housepainter; you're going to be around a lot of women, in the home, with nothing do to. Public library puppet shows.

Is female ejaculation a myth or reality? And, if so, what is it?
Dude, that is a good question and I don't have the answer to that, but it's gotta…it seems like it's gotta just be pee. I can understand what the hell else that would be.

Is there a way to teabag someone gracefully?
I never understood teabagging as an intimate thing. To me it was always like a joke dudes did at camp, like "I'm going to teabag you, dude." It was never intended to be graceful to begin with, as far as I understood it.

Jason, 28

What paint feels the sexiest?
You can make paint out of milk. That's how they used to paint stuff. I don't know if it's edible, though.

What kind of skills do you need as a painter that might apply when you're making love?
Patience. For guys. Precision. House painting is a lot of patience and a little bit of precision. And motion. Patience, motion, precision.

I want my bedroom to be a love den. What colors should I use to make it as sexually inviting as possible?
I guess that's kind of a "to each his own." People have favorite colors. Me? I don't really care. It's more about what they're wearing. Paint doesn't really bother me, as far as that goes, I don't really have a preference.

What if you walked into a bedroom and it was some really silly color. Like powder puff pink or something.
Well, powder puff pink, I'd be like "well, it's just about sex." That's a love den I guess.

I have a straight female friend who is really turned on by watching guys make out with each other. How can she convince her boyfriend to do it just once?
Um, she should tell her boyfriend to get over his homophobic bullshit, and make out with a dude or she's going to dump his chump ass. It's like, totally cool when girls make out but with guys there's all…he doesn't have to suck his dick or anything.

Nick, 25

I have a partner that's turned on by getting messy. If we're going to use paint as a part of sex play, what type of paint should we use and how should we use it?
I would use acrylic paint. It dries faster. And once it dries it's pretty much a layer of plastic on your skin. Do NOT use oil paint. You can't get it off. Unless you want to pour mineral spirits on your skin. And you don't want to do that. Tempera would be okay too, and it's cheaper than acrylic. Watercolor is going to be shitty coverage. I would say acrylic is your best bet. Or latex would be fine. Fuck — house paint! What was I thinking? House paint looks great. Kind of smelly, though.

What techniques of painting should we bring into the bedroom?
Painting has a Zen-like quality to it. There's lots of repetition, and sometimes the slower you work the faster you're actually working. You want to get in the zone, and sometimes good sex is all about getting in the zone and forgetting about what's going on. You don't want to get frustrated if it's taking too long. Finish the job, but don't rush the job.

I have a straight female friend who is really turned on by watching guys make out with each other. How can she convince her boyfriend to do it just once?
There's going to have to be a lot of bargaining.

You don't think a guy would just do that?
I don't know. It depends. It has to be something — that's when you tell the fantasy.

What would be a reasonable bargain?
I don't know. Slave for a day, something like that. Sex slave for a day.

I want my bedroom to be a love den. What colors should I use to make it as sexually inviting as possible? I have all the swatches to give you ideas…
Everyone says red is good, but I think dark is good. A warm, dark color is good. Everyone wants to go to that warm, dark place.  n°