Sex Advice From Hypnotherapists

by Sasha Watson

August 25, 2005

Curtis, 32

Can you offer any quick and easy techniques for conquering self-consciousness in bed, say if you want to start talking dirty or have your partner put his finger in your bum but can't quite get yourself to say it?
You want your own internal cheering section. Imagine a sexy voice in your ear telling you to do it and you're much more likely to be free and let it roll.

Are easily hypnotized people better in bed?
Absolutely. Oh my God, absolutely! Since people who are easily hypnotized generally have better control over their own bodies and they're much more persuasive and in touch. They have a greater sense of empathy so when they're with someone the outside world turns off and they're much more receptive to what the other person is feeling, too.

How can you tell?
They might seem more relaxed. If they have a higher vocabulary they're much more apt. If you start describing sensual things and their eyes start to flutter. If you say, "Imagine a feather running across your skin" and you see them gasp a little, then they're probably easily hypnotized and they're also much more likely to be better in bed because they can imagine themselves into the experience.

What principles of hypnotism can be used for seducing someone without turning them into a zombie?
Describe certain things in a general term. I would say "can you imagine what it would feel like…" Be passionate about what you do. Attach that passion to anything. You could be talking about the laundry and that could be translated into seduction or persuasion. And the voice, having a sexy voice. Vowels sound more sexy than consonants. If your voice has a little bit of a vibration or a hum, then it tends to be more seductive and more interesting and people will listen a little closer. Part of what we do in hypnosis is to bring people into a state where they can experience things more deeply. So when you have someone experience something deeply in your presence, then they'll tend to associate that with you. Like, wow, why is it every time I'm around that person, I feel really really good?

That sounds like something you could use to your advantage.
If I'm involved with somebody I can really have fun with hypnosis and it works in all sorts of places in all sorts of ways and you'd be shocked at how effective it can be. Living in LA, I meet a lot of celebrities and I can't use names but I've met and spent time with people who would be considered so vastly out of my regular league. On a couple of trips I've had the opportunity to meet celebrities, movie stars, that kind of thing. I had one situation on a plane where I talked to someone for about an hour and she basically gave me her phone number and called me the next day and later on I saw her doing a press junket for a movie and they asked her what kind of men she likes and she says, "I like dark, Latin types." (laughs and gestures to his fair, blond self) It goes to show that attraction is really about what you experience with the person.

Is this something you can teach people to do?
I've had people I've shown this stuff to have their lives and relationships change so dramatically. Guys who can't get a date get dates. The biggest problem with guys is that they can't approach women so you get them over that and then once they can approach someone, you teach them some of the little techniques and they get girlfriends.

If your partner isn't into anal sex — either giving or receiving — and you are, can you use hypnosis to change her/his mind?
You can actually, that's one of the semi-common uses. It's really about establishing it as something they want to enjoy. If you have someone really comfortable and really feeling good then they're in a state where they're really going to try almost anything and experience it in a positive way.

Is hypnosis ever used as sex therapy?
A good hypnotherapist can get a woman who has never orgasmed to orgasm without any physical contact. It's just getting them to have a good experience.

You can do that?
Yes, I can just guide them through a deep and intense experience and then build it so much that they'll have an orgasm. If they're really good, they can do it from across the room.

I've heard that in hypnosis, you have to use a kind of extreme comic book language to really appeal to that primal right brain. What are a few magic words that trigger wild sexual abandon in most people?
You can actually use any word. Normally, people want to pick one that's really bizarre, that no one else will say. It's not just the word but how you say the word that's the trigger. If someone comes up to you and says "Grapefruit!" really abruptly you jump, but if someone says "Grapefruit" to you in a sexy voice in your ear, the person will just melt and it will be all sorts of exciting at that point. So, any word will work.

Best music for getting someone in the mood?
It will depend on what they've associated to in the past. If the person is mellow, then you'd think it's mellow music but sometimes it's the shy little mouse who's grabbing you by the collar when you break out the Nine Inch Nails. You're generally okay with slow jams, though I'd avoid Barry White because it's like a giant sign that says "I want to have sex!" If you're really planning it, you can do a mix tape that builds the mood. Or if a girl is with a guy who has trouble with foreplay, then you can use slow music because on an unconscious level he'll start getting the signal that he shouldn't move into the rest until the music picks up.

Your personal, no-fail, orgasm-inducing trick?
You can set up a trigger or an anchor once you've induced an orgasm in someone. Once the first one hits, then you set the trigger. If you do it right when it's about to finish, grabbing their butt or touching their ear. Start setting up the orgasm so that you'll have a trigger for the one right after it so that you can do one-two-three and normally if you do that, you will be very well remembered but it won't necessarily be obvious what exactly you did.

Richard, 45

What principles of hypnotism can be used for seducing someone without turning them into a zombie?
It depends on the skill of the operator. Advertising hypnotizes us all the time. Those messages go straight into your subconscious. The same thing can happen in a seduction situation. By understanding that concept, you can send subconscious messages to the other person letting them know that you're like them, establishing a sense of rapport. And a sense of rapport leads to a sense of comfort and then you tend to let your hair down and then your inhibitions are gonna go and arousal can take place.

If your partner isn't into anal sex — either giving or receiving — and you are, can you use hypnosis to change her/his mind? Is hypnosis ever used as sex therapy?
Again, it's the anxiety. You would want to talk about it and find out what is it exactly that this person is averse to. Some people may feel it's a hygiene issue, some people may have had experiences in the past that were painful, some people may have a religious upbringing that tells them it's sick and disgusting. To relieve the anxiety, take each step slowly, say "Is this cool? Is this cool?" It's like that game you play in grade-school, "Trust Me."

I've heard that in hypnosis, you have to use a kind of extreme comic book language to really appeal to that primal right brain. What are a few magic words that trigger wild sexual abandon in most people?
When you're dealing with the subconscious, you're dealing with a childlike mind with a lot of power. It's important to use clear, positive language. You can enter into an agreement with your partner, okay we're gonna trigger wild sexual abandon together and then you put the person into a trance and then you put in post-hypnotic suggestions and you establish trigger words that they can use.

What's a good way of getting out of having sex with someone if you change your mind late in the game?
The best way is the short way because it's gonna be awkward no matter what. You would say, hey, I'm not ready for this. Depending on what you're turned off by. If it's that you took off her blouse and you see this alien coming out of her chest with 666 on its forehead… The best thing is to be honest and just say "Hey, I just don't feel ready for this." If you go forward, you're not gonna like it and if they like it then it's gonna be even more awkward. It's better to nip it in the bud because otherwise it's just gonna get ugly.

What are some tips for making sex last longer?
If it's just "I'm a stud and I want to go for the gold," and not real sexual disfunction, then it would really be a matter of pre-conditioning and visualization and affirmation. You could use imagery or self-hypnosis to really get to the point of bringing yourself to this level and then backing off. It's just practice, like any sport.

Alec, 36

Can you offer any quick and easy techniques for conquering self-consciousness in bed, say if you want to start talking dirty or have your partner put his finger in your bum but can't quite get yourself to say it?
One thing that I think is really hot is using candles around the bed, and, at each corner of the bed, you do a particular trance ritual. And you can use trance music to actually put both of you into a mutually hypnotic state. Everything that we do to open ourselves more and to reveal ourselves more to our partner, just has to deepen the sex. That's what most of us are afraid of: being seen.

Are easily hypnotized people better in bed?
Actually, everyone is easily hypnotizable. If you watch TV, you're hypnotized, so, I don't know, are TV watchers better in bed than other people?

What principles of hypnotism can be used for seducing someone without turning them into a zombie?
Being very comfortable with yourself and very relaxed will help you to seduce somebody. so the more you can bring yourself into a relaxed state, the more fun you're gonna have. Being comfortable with yourself is really sexy.

I haven't had sex in a year. I want to have casual sex but have no idea how to make that happen. Any recommendations about where I should go, what I should do, the best way to convey to someone that you're interested in sex with no strings attached?
The wheel that's moving is always easier to keep moving than a wheel that's not moving at all so the best way into it is just to figure out a way to get into it. Maybe call up an old friend. Oil the wheels a little bit.

How do you let someone know that you just want a casual quickie when they're trying to be all romantic?
How about you say, "I just want a quickie"? The best thing you can do is to speak as clearly as possible as if you're talking to a six year-old. Although, don't tell your six year-old this.

Best music for getting someone in the mood?
Music that they like.

What are some things you can do to draw out a timid lover?
With somebody who's sensitive, you have to be sensitive too. Don't move suddenly. Try to figure out where they are. Set the mood, the lights, the music. Have a nice meal. Give them a massage, talk with them. I think most sex happens up here (taps forehead). That's where it starts.

My significant other of two years just started working out, dressing differently and initiating more sex. I think this makeover was inspired by a hottie at work, and I just happen to be reaping the benefits. Should I just take them with a smile? Should I ask about it? Should I do anything else?
If you really want him, you should up your ante. Don't wear your torn off pajama bottoms around the house. Unless he likes that! Or else you should start getting interested in someone at work and see how he reacts.

What's the best fake meeting story to tell people when you've met your new significant other online?
We met at jury duty.

Gus, 34

Can you offer any quick and easy techniques for conquering self-consciousness in bed, say if you want to start talking dirty or have your partner put his finger in your bum but can't quite get yourself to say it?
I recommend a direct approach. If it's a finger in the ass, if it's a thumb in the bum, ask for it!

If your partner isn't into anal sex — either giving or receiving - and you are, can you use hypnosis to change her/his mind?
If you want to have anal sex with someone, you shouldn't be confused if they're a little shocked by it. Cuz everyone's confused by anal sex. I mean that's kind of the joy of it. Going anal isn't really about an experienced practitioner. It's about the voyage, the first time, exploring a kind of intimacy that's foreign to both of you. And I have to say, in my practice, the people I meet who are looking for anal pleasure are really struggling against a wide array of prohibitions. There's something about that anal act that can be so liberating. When it's done in a caring and thoughtful environment then it can be great for anyone. I'm just gonna say, go anal, America.

I've heard that in hypnosis, you have to use a kind of extreme comic book language to really appeal to that primal right brain. What are a few magic words that trigger wild sexual abandon in most people?
Syphilis, no just kidding but a lot of sibilant words work well.

Right, so what are some tips for making sex last longer?
I'd recommend you drink heavily after sex, not before and look for a lover who cares about his or her partner. I mean that's the ultimate way to have long sex. If someone really cares about getting you off, they're gonna go in for the long haul. Don't let 'em get loaded first though, it's really a bad move. No amount of hypnotism can cure that.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two months. He's a great kisser and pretty much the perfect boyfriend EXCERPT for the sex. Frankly, I hate having sex with him even though I LOVE having sex. I hate the noises that he makes and the way he goes at it like a rabbit. Is our relationship doomed? Or can the sex be improved? If so, how?
You need to liberate yourself a little bit. I mean, don't punish him for the way he sounds or how he enjoys himself. If the noises he makes offend you, maybe you should look for the things he says in moments of passion that are beneficial to you. I mean obviously, there's something you're doing that's right. Don't ruin that. You might have a lover who just lays there and does nothing. Who wants to be on top all the time?

Very good. I'm desperate to buy my first vibrator but every time I go into a sex shop I get overwhelmed by my options and extremely embarrassed then run out empty handed. Please advise.
It's a pinky forefinger test. Stick your pinky in your vagina and hold your forefinger out. As far as your clitoris is from your forefinger, should be the width of the vibrator.

My significant other of two years just started working out, dressing differently and initiating more sex. I think this makeover was inspired by a hottie at work, and I just happen to be reaping the benefits. Should I just take them with a smile? Should I ask about it? Should I do anything else?
I think if you're confident that your lover is thinking about somebody else then you should confront them with that question because it never works if the mind strays from the project of love.  n°

Interviews by Sasha Watson. Sex Advice From... appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

Copyright 2005, Nerve.com.