Sex Advice from Professional Poker Players


July 6, 2006

Bryan Quenaud, 25

I beat my boyfriend at poker every time we play. I think this makes him feel emasculated, but I don't want to intentionally lose. How can we reconcile this?
One thing I never do is let anyone win at anything. Keep playing until he gets better, or you take his entire roll. If you really like him, tell him to stop picking up tips from watching Mrs. Brady go all in on Celebrity Poker Showdown.

For girls, sexy bedroom-wear is easy, but what can a guy wear to bed that's sexy?
A visor, sunglasses and an unlit cigarette.

My girlfriend keeps a poker face whenever we have sex. How can I get her to be more expressive?
Keep watching her very closely during sex, gathering more information, getting tells until you know exactly what she likes. Then have her talk dirty to you until she gives in and lets her subconsicous take over.

Can longtime just-friends become girlfriend and boyfriend?
Sure. It worked for Wes and Johanna on The Real World and they both seem like smart, sensible people.

How can I make my boyfriend learn to be submissive in bed?
Ease into it with a little verbal humiliation during sex. After a few weeks, gradually move onto nipple twisting, then spanking and candle wax. Do it right, and you'll be performing Cleveland Steamers on him in no time.

My boyfriend is addicted to online poker. How can I get his attention?
If it's a cash game, start by giving oral underneath the desk — if you're decent, he should be closing the windows soon enough. If it's a tournament, go to bed and wake him in the morning with oral.

Is it ever acceptable for a guy to date a friend's younger sister?
It's okay to do, but things may never be the same. I remember when Zach started dating Slater's younger sister on Saved by the Bell. I don't think their relationship ever healed completely. I am not kidding.


Karina Jett, 31

How can I pick up a poker player?
If you're a woman, it's not very hard. About ninety-seven percent of the people in a poker room are guys, so if you go to a card room to pick up a player, it's more likely you'll be the one who gets picked up.

For girls, sexy bedroom wear is easy, but what can a guy wear to bed that's sexy?
Nothing. Men just aren't very visually stimulating. Men should just get down to business and know what they're doing.

My boyfriend shaves his body hair. He says it makes him feel sexier, but I hate it. What should we do to resolve this?
You should discuss it with him, but in a way that doesn't make him feel too girly. It's always best to talk about what turns you on, not what turns you off.

What's the one requisite sex toy every woman must have?
A vibrator and Astroglide. That's two, but you really need both.

How can I teach my boyfriend to be submissive in bed?
Regular beatings.

What's the best way to set the mood?
The best way is for the girl to initiate. A girl taking charge is very sexy.

How can I convince my girlfriend to watch porn with me?
That's weird to me that a girl wouldn't want to watch porn. What is wrong with women today? You should have the porn already playing when you turn on the TV. That way, she'll have no choice but to watch.

Chip Jett, 31

At what point in our relationship should I tell my boyfriend I've been bluffing orgasms?
When he tells you he's been bluffing monogamy.

My boyfriend shaves his body hair. He says it makes him feel sexier, but I hate it. How can we resolve this?
Grow out your own body hair and buy a big strap-on. Then ask if this alternative appeals to him.

I beat my boyfriend at poker every time we play. I think this is starting to make him feel emasculated, but I don't want to intentionally lose. How can we reconcile this?
Stop looking at your cards. If you still win, there's no hope for him. Or make the stakes high enough to encourage him to improve his game — tell him if he wins you'll call him "poker master" in public for a week.

How can I pick up a poker player?
Lavish gifts, vacations and lots of compliments. Trying to pick up a very, very successful poker player, however, would be more like trying to pick up a movie star. Become a groupie.

And what's the quickest way to turn one off?
Being confused with a different poker player always has a way of killing the mood for me. Of the first ten autographs I ever signed, seven of them thought I was Layne Flack.


Daniel Negreanu, 31

What word or words should always be avoided when talking dirty in bed?
Anything related to bowel movements or a period.

At what point in our relationship, if ever, should I tell my boyfriend I've been bluffing orgasms?
Never. You tell him you did that even one time and he'll always wonder.

How can I attract a poker player?
Poker players like girls that can hang with the guys but also look feminine.

My girlfriend keeps a poker face whenever we have sex. How can I get her to be more expressive?
Some women are afraid to show their emotions, especially sexual ones. It's generally because they don't feel totally comfortable yet. That can change, though. Look into counseling.

Can longtime friends become girlfriend and boyfriend?
I think so. In fact, it's probably the best way to go. You already have the foundation of a friendship, and once you both realize it could be more, the feelings will emerge. One thing to think about, though, is that once you go there, it could damage your friendship forever if things don't work out.

My boyfriend is addicted to online poker. How can I get him to pay attention to me?
That's a tough one. If he's in a tournament, there's nothing you can do. That sounds horrible, but it's true. If he's just screwing around in a cash game, he can be swayed with the right kind of stimuli. Wear something he really likes and he'll be sitting out of his games in no time. Just don't ever nag him about it — he'll get sick of that fast.    n°

Interviews by Amelia Mularz. Sex Advice From... appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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