| Just
as Warhol said that everyone can be famous for fifteen minutes, Nerve
believes
that anyone
can be a sexpert
for at least thirty seconds. This week: Stand-Up Comedians Part I: The
Boys' Club. Stand-Up Comedians Part II: The Girls' Club will run
on Thursday, July 1.
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Robert Kelley |
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What's the funniest thing that's ever happened to you during sex?
I was doing a threesome. Me, my friend and this girl. We were in the middle of it, she was going down on him, and I was from behind doggy style. I was fucking her from behind, slapping her ass, really getting into it. I ended up getting so into it I wound up slapping my own ass and I just go, "Wow." Everybody
stopped. She turned around, looked at me with disgust and was like, "Did you just slap your own ass?" I was kind of like, "Yeah ..." Everybody
started laughing in my face.
What qualifies as cheating: kissing, fooling around or full-on fucking?
None of that, if you're in another country. Other countries don't matter. Or time zones. As long as it's BACK. If it's before then it never happened.
If I'm in Japan, it never happened. I left at five o'clock in the afternoon, and I got home at five o'clock. Where did that day go? It never happened. It's in the Matrix.
What's a nice, lighthearted way to tell them that they're not so clean down
there?
I had a girl eat my ass one time. I like my ass licked. The coolest thing that girl ever did to me was she was going down to do that, she came back up, slapped me on the ass and said, "Babe why don't you go clean your ass." I had no problem with it. I went, I did it, I came right back with a nice, fresh butt. I think the best way is to just say, "Baby why don't you go wash up, it's a little funky." The word funky can get you out of a lot of situations.
When is it not a good idea to laugh in bed?
When a chick queefs. They get embarrassed. It'd be great if they laughed. That'd be fantastic. It's just air coming out of her pussy. Laughing during sex, I mean, if you know the person, it's cool. It can be relaxing. But if you don't know the person, you better be Prince. Prince doesn't laugh.
Do you tell your partner about your wild sexual history?
Yes. You've got to come right off the bat and let them know how much of a dirt
ball you really are. Because too many guys come in as the knight in shining armor
and all of a sudden they're trying to stick a finger in your ass and lick your
armpit and then the girls get freaked out. I mean girls are very open-minded.
Let them know you're a dirt ball right off the bat so that you're not freaking
them out down the road when they come home and you're in
their panties and high heels and you have a midget in the room.
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Kyle Grooms |
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Any jokes you can tell that will get you laid?
When I'm about to get laid, I'm not thinking about jokes.
What qualifies as cheating: kissing, fooling around or full-on fucking?
Giving head, to me, isn't cheating. Prostitutes aren't considered cheating either. It's like if
you go to a masseuse, there's someone who relaxes you physically. There's no
emotional thing involved. A prostitute's not going to scratch up your car or
call and hang up or stalk your family.
Now, every girl in the world is always saying "I just want a guy with a good sense of humor." Is that true?
I've never told a joke and gotten pussy. I've never said, "So did you hear the one about..." and had a girl pull up to me and be like, "Oooo!" and pull her pants down.
I knew it! Are there any circumstances when it's okay for a guy or a girl
to
fake
it?
Well, for a guy to fake it, does he throw hot mayonnaise or something? How would
a guy fake it? Special effects? If women fake it, I don't give a damn as long
as I get mine.
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Todd Lynn |
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Finger in the ass during sex?
Oh hell no, not in my ass!
For the girl?
Yeah. Just leave it in there and be like, "Heeeyyyyy! It's been in there for awhile!
Maybe I could get a second one in there!" That's the gateway to anal.
Are there any jokes that will guarantee you won't get laid?
Anything about fucking a dog will not get you laid.
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Dov Davidkoff |
|
 What's the best way to get a comedian to go out with you?
Ask. It ain't difficult. It's kind of like finding snow at one of the poles.
During sex, what's the funniest thing that's happened to you?
One time me and my brother dated the same girl…this is kind of graphic. So she forced me to go down on her, which I don't do, and I was there for a little while and I looked up to see what kind of progress was being made because I didn't want to be down there and she says, "I don't think I'm going to come because your brother's been fucking me with his big cock all weekend." Verbatim.
I hope you at least laughed a little bit.
I did. We had that kind of a relationship.
So threesome etiquette, how do you pick up a couple at a comedy club?
It's all a probability game, so you have to hit as many people as possible and every now and again you'll hit on a girl who's like, yeah, I want to hang out with you and another girl. Make it obvious but don't scare them away. It's like fishing.
What's the best mentality to have toward sex?
I think it's just to understand what the objective is. If you're just looking
for sex, if it's just about humping, then you have to let somebody know that
that's what you're about. Otherwise you're going to spend four fucking weeks
buying
appetizers and drinks and going to Great Adventure, all to find out that
you have a better chance of banging the Dalai Lama.
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Jim Norton |
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 What's the funniest thing that's ever happened to you during sex?
I realized I was getting blown by a guy — a transsexual hooker. As I was rubbing her back, I realized, wow, this is a large back for a girl.
Did you ask for your money back?
No, you can't. I was afraid of gettin' sliced.
Is there a guaranteed way to make someone laugh in bed?
Feed them mescaline and tickle them while you're eating their ass.
Should a person tell their partner about their wild sexual history?
Never! Because every woman you're dating, believe me, is a little closet whore and you don't want to hear it.
How do you deal with performance anxiety?
I just make up an excuse that I'm tired or I flew today so I took Dramamine or I'm on antihistamine medication. I always pick up some medication to blame it on. I don't want to fuckin' acknowledge my complete lack of masculinity.
Interviews by Paul Katz.
Sex Advice From... appears every Thursday. Do you have sex-advice questions for the general
public?
Send them
to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.
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, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
