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This Week in Sex   
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January 5, 2001


Oh, This Is Too Easy . . .




Tim Day doesn’t give a damn how many hot dogs you sell in Southwest Florida. But if he sees any buns, boy, now you’ve got a problem.


    

According to the News-Press, the Cape Coral city councilman has got his undies in a bind lately over the menace that is thong underwear. Actually, more specifically, Day’s upset about one thong in particular: the one worn by roadside hot dog vendor Sarah Lisinski. Not that Day’s concern has anything to do with decency — he’s got no problem with women who want to wear the revealing bottoms on the beach. No, it seems Day’s concern has much more to do with the possibility Lisinski’s exposed bum will, one of these days, cause a pile-up along the heavily trafficked Pine Island Road, where she plies her trade. The councilman says he drove past Lisinski’s hot dog stand a while back and was shocked at how many cars had pulled over to, er, take in the sights. “I don’t want to say, ‘I told you so,'” Day told the paper. “It’s definitely a safety hazard.” And now, according to the paper, Day has proposed an ordinance that would explicitly prohibit the display of “any portion of the anus, anal cleft, or cleavage of the human buttocks” (heh-heh, he said anal cleft). Day’s proposal would effectively ban g-strings, t-backs, thongs and, one presumes, plumbers.


    

“With the warm weather coming, we don’t want to see more of these popping up,” said Day after his visit to Lisinski’s hot dog stand. And yes, we’re pretty sure he was referring to thongs.



Use It or Lose It, We Always Say



They say your sex drive heads south after a couple of kids. Something about lack of sleep, or maybe lack of romance, or perhaps it’s just a natural instinct to slow down, we don’t know. Anyway, that’s what they say. But this much we know: they clearly have never come across Ghassan Abdel-Al.


    

Abdel-Al, for those of you not up on Lebanese human interest news, is a forty-seven-year-old farmer from a rural area in southern Lebanon, and although he’s had more than a couple of kids, the evidence would suggest that he hasn’t slowed down. In fact, according to Beirut’s Al-Kifah al-Arabi newspaper, Abdel-Al has, at last count, forty-two kids, a result of three concurrent marriages (according to the report, Muslim law allows a man up to four wives). And he’s not done yet, either. Word on the street in Abdel-Al’s village — where the locals call his expansive brood “The Militia” — is that the one-man population explosion will take a fourth wife within the month, presumably to take some of the heat off his other wives.


    

“Allah ordered us to love each other, and I love women,” said Abdel-Al, apparently something of a literalist. “I can’t live without love, or at least without women. That is the way Allah created me.”



Quotes of the Week



“I haven’t had sex in eight months. To be honest, I now prefer to go bowling.”




— Rapper Lil’ Kim in Rolling Stone. Wait, do we have to choose one?





“It’s hard to sit in your boxers and jerk off in front of people for three hours.”




— Actor Philip Seymour Hoffman in GQ on the challenges he faced filming 1998’s Happiness.









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©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.