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Weekend Review
Quote of the Week

“We are very tired of each other, and it’s not fun playing lesbians any more.”

— Lena Katina on the breakup of her Sapphic dance duo Tatu.

Photo of the Week

Leave ’em hanging: a non-airbrushed image from page 72 of this week’s Us Weekly.

The FDA Thought You Looked Better Before

When getting breast implants in the U.S., you have two options: End up with perfectly shaped, perfectly sized tits with the feel and sensitivity of car parts, or, um, don’t get breast implants.

It’s going to be that way for a while longer. The FDA recently rejected an application by Inamed Corp.* to resume producing silicone-gel implants, which were taken off the market in 1992. The silicone implants, which feel more lifelike (read: squishy) than their saline friends, have, on occasion, ruptured and caused autoimmune problems in their . . . owners? Is that the right word? Carriers? Hosts? Mothers? Whatever they’re called, the FDA issued a new set of guidelines that silicone-implant manufacturers must meet before their products are made available.

Breasts everywhere are silently thankful for this decision – a study that has been tracking Inamed implant recipients for three years revealed that 46 percent needed additional surgery because of painful scar tissue and other complications, and up to 25% had their implants removed or replaced. Cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe! — Carrie Hill Wilner

(* – The whole thing sounds kind of Brazil, no?)

Newswire

“Naked Rambler” jailed.

“Lingerie Bowl” canceled.

Skirts banned in Malaysia.

Why There Are No Good Sperm Left

A study conducted through the Aberdeen Fertility Clinic in Scotland found that sperm counts have dropped by as much as 29 percent since 1989, from 87 million per milliliter to 62 million per milliliter. While this doesn’t actually affect fertility, it indicates a trend that is, at the very least, disconcerting. Different causes for the decline have been suggested, from pesticides to increased estrogen in water supplies to smoking, drinking, obesity, tight pants and plastic diapers. Scotland was affected by the Chernobyl fallout, which may be to blame for the particularly precipitous drop, but scientists remind us that this study reflects a 50% worldwide drop in sperm count in the past 50 years.

If that keeps up, we’re going to be conquered by either clones or aliens, is what we’re hearing. And the scientists’ vague projection of the causes of decline don’t help us get any sperm back, do they? Frustrated (and a little scared), TWR conducted our own research, in a lab stocked only with shell-shaped hand soap, shampoo filched from hotels and our 19-year-old cousin. With this simple equipment, we were able to delve farther into the problem than teams of highly trained research scientists. We proudly present for your consideration:

Reasons Why Maybe the Sperm Count Has Dropped

1) It’s hasn’t; they’re just hard to count because they keep moving around.

2) Increased popularity of crystal meth . . . among sperm.

3) Stolen by pirates.

4) Stolen by ninjas.

5) Wrung out to pay for bitch ex-wife’s alimony.

6) The fall of the USSR . . . of sperm

Drinks are on us when the Nobel comes in. — Carrie Hill Wilner

The Naked and the Fam

Virginia’s General Assembly may enact a bill that would outlaw teen nudist camps, such as the weeklong program held for the 11-to-18-year-old age group last summer at White Tail Park, a nudist resort in Isle of Wight Country. Damn. No more naked archery, naked wood shop or naked horseback riding.

Naturally, we must ask ourselves . . . what would Jesus do? According to Bill Martin, what’s important is not what Jesus would do, but that he would be naked while doing it. Martin is the founder of Natura, a “Christian family nudist resort” in Pasco County, Florida. He believes that “body shame is an indicator of our alienation from God, self, and others, it is a bondage from Hell, and according the Bible a direct result of Satan’s deception.” So he bought 240 acres outside of Tampa and set out to create a place where families could roam, shame-free, in the buff. The resort, which will be completed in 2005, will include a church, volleyball court, a water park and “communal baptism parties.”

TWR never really wanted to see Uncle Lester’s junk or Grandma’s girls, but to each their own. Considering our investment in sexual nudity, we’ll be keeping our naked selves away from our naked families and “naked communal baptism” parties. — Tobin Levy

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