This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Black Sea, Blue Balls

While it’s not uncommon for army sergeants to have trouble with their privates, one doesn’t expect a private to have troubles with his privates. This week a twenty-one-year-old Romanian soldier named Adrian Busureanu collapsed and began convulsing uncontrollably at a barracks in Valcea, Romania. After carrying out exhaustive tests, doctors at a military hospital diagnosed Busureanu as suffering from an “acute case of sexual frustration.” Said a befuddled army spokesman, “He became feverish, delusional and finally hysterical after being apart from his girlfriend for two months. Busureanu told doctors that being apart from his girlfriend for so long had been unbearable: “I haven’t seen her since I came here two months ago. It is impossible.” Busureanu later admitted he had never head of this “wonderful jerking-off thing” the doctor mentioned.

The Parent Trap

In what marks a great advance in the field of things you sort of knew already but really didn’t want to think about, a team of researchers at St. Andrews University has determined that people are attracted to those who resemble their parent of the opposite sex, particularly when it comes to hair and eye color. The choice of a mate who looks like a parent has previously been observed in other species, notably monkeys. The researchers theorized that constant exposure to an image creates a sense of attraction and comfort. Researchers also theorized that this phenomenon will occur much more often when your mom is hot.

Is That a Penis in Your Pocket …

It’s a classic Bollywood tale: Parents arrange for Indian boy to meet Indian girl. Boy and girl court. Boy marries girl. Girl has affair with local teenage stud. Enraged husband and his crew pay the young interloper a visit, slice off his penis with a sword, then tuck the dismembered member in the victim’s pocket. According to The Times of India, the victim, Jagdish Jeevan Baria, waited thirteen hours before showing up at the hospital. Doctors managed to reattach the organ after a nine-hour operation. We trust those thirteen hours were spent doing some deep soul searching; or maybe he was looking for his penis — ever run around the house for twenty minutes looking for your keys only to find that they were in your pocket?

Heart and Sole

Legend has it that in New York City the (fairly common) sight of two shoes hanging from an outdoor telephone wire indicates a drug deal or murder. Alas, with little crack dealing taking place at the University of Minnesota, students have been forced find another outlet for the primal urge to hang shoes on things. Minneapolis’ Star Tribune reported this week that a tree on U of M’s campus is festooned with thousands of old sneakers, tossed there by jubilant undergrads after losing their virginity. Because — haven’t you heard? — shoes are for virgins. The students, some quite literally left barefoot and pregnant, are participating in a ritual whose origins are shrouded in the mists of time — one careful observer noted that he could still spot the old brown-and-orange Pony sneakers upon the knotted branches. Despite concerns that the laces may ultimately choke and kill the tree, there are no immediate plans to remove the shoes. To do so would be to destroy an endless source of profound philosophical contemplation. As one student remarked, “This tree, without the shoes, we wouldn’t even realize it. It would be just another tree.” Okay, so maybe there are a few crack dealers at the school.

Assistance provided by Carrie Hill Wilner.

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