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January 11, 2002



Crystal Balls



The Japanese are a very forward-looking people — always have been. And nowhere are they more forward-looking than in the very field of looking forward — fortune-telling, to be specific. After all, they’ve already got someone there who can see a person’s future by looking at his or her cell phone, and another Japanese soothsayer divines fortunes through the

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art of breast-reading. So the woman known only as Kaho should blend right in in the Land of the Rising Sun. But you know what? She doesn’t. Kaho is a stand-out seer.


    

Or perhaps kneel-down is a better adjective to use there. Because Kaho, a prostitute based in a Nagoya brothel, is no ordinary oracle. Actually, she’s an oral-cle. Yep, Kaho claims to be able to tell a man his future by performing oral sex, and according to Shukan Taishu newsmagazine, some thousand men have lined up in the past year to, uh, learn stuff about their future. And while it may seem like a joke to you, Kaho says she’s foreseen major life events for many men, helping one customer win a huge payout at a racecourse and advising another, a groom-to-be experiencing cold feet, to go ahead and marry his bride. And really, isn’t that just the sweetest story you ever heard in your life?



Go for the Gold, Wolfgang



At the moment he did it, it probably seemed like a pretty solid plan to Wolfgang Sorge. The German women’s Olympic ice hockey team had just qualified for Salt Lake City, and Wolfie (who, in case you don’t follow women’s Olympic ice hockey really, really closely, is the treasurer for the German national team) saw an opening, a chance to make a little history. What he saw, specifically, was a chance to launch a tradition.


    

And so he did what anyone would have done: he seized the moment. Recognizing that everyone at the post-game party at the team’s Minneapolis hotel was in a really good mood — and perhaps really drunk — Sorge jumped onto a table and began to “slowly and lustfully undress,” all the while hollering for the others to join him, according to a report at Ananova.com. What should have followed is obvious: the women should have slowly and lustfully removed their clothes, and there should have been a slow, lustful post-game orgy — the first, one presumes, of years of celebratory post-game orgies. “Say,” the women would reminisce years from now in the middle of one such bacchanalia, “remember when Wolfie started this great tradition? Thanks again, Wolfie!”


    

Alas, things in this life don’t always work out as they should, and now the women of the German ice hockey team have demanded that Wolfgang Sorge be sacked for his behavior. Oh yeah, and they’re suing him too, for sexual harassment. Short-sighted prudes.




God Bless Democracy



We get so jaded with politics, don’t we? We’re inundated by disingenuous, manipulative messages from slimy, soulless politicians, and, well, it’s tough to believe anymore. And that’s why it’s refreshing to find a leader with backbone, someone who acts with integrity and boldness, someone who knows the power of symbolism. We’re speaking, of course, of Ilona Staller.


    

Staller, you may recall, is the Italian porn star who spent five years in that country’s parliament in the late eighties and early nineties. Well, “La Cicciolina” — “Cuddles,” her nom de film (oh yeah, now you remember her) — is back, but not in Italy. According to the Budapest daily Magyar Nemzet, the fifty-year-old actress is planning to run for office in her native Hungary, and she’s got a fabulous gimmick to help her make sure everyone knows where she stands on the issues. What she does is, she bares her breast — her left breast, because she’s a left-wing gal. See? Get it? Ain’t that smart politics? Staller says she’s planning on contesting the parliamentary seat for the working-class Budapest suburb of Kobanya-Kispest. “I have always confessed that I’m Hungarian,” she tells the paper. “I have never left this country, either in body or soul.” Though it’s worth noting that Staller currently lives in Rome.



Quote of the Week



“As a native Briton, Yohda seems to know only one motto for love: No sex please, I am British!”



— From a report in the German newspaper Kurier on the disappointing sexual output — and suspected impotence — of Yohda, a fifteen-year-old male rhinoceros transfered to the Berlin Zoo from London three years ago to help with the zoo’s breeding program.





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©2002 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.