This Week in Sex

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This Week in Sex   
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January 12, 2001

Go Sooty Go Sooty Go!

Ladies and gentlemen, bow your heads, the era of the Swinging Bachelor is officially over. Oh sure, we saw it coming years ago, when Warren Beatty became a one-woman man, dealing a demoralizing blow to confirmed singles everywhere. And then Madonna — a swinging bachelor if there ever was one — decided that one Guy in her life was enough, and things were looking mighty grim. And now . . . well, you’d better have a seat, folks, because Sooty the Guinea Pig has settled down.

Sooty, of course, is the three-year-old rodent who tunneled out of his solitary enclosure at the Little Friend’s Farm Park in Pontypridd, Wales, last August, and burrowed his way into guinea pig Nirvana, an adjacent enclosure containing twenty-four horny female guinea pigs. The furry little stud spent a wild, porn-worthy night in the females’ domain before being discovered and sent back to his cage, where he slept for two days straight. Then in December, Sooty made headlines all over the U.K. when his twenty-four paramours — yes, every last one of ’em — gave birth, yielding the randy rodent a whopping forty-three piglets for one night’s work. It was a triumph for the ages: Sooty was even given his own website.


But now, it appears, Swingin’ Sooty has become a kept man. According to a report in the Mirror, Little Friend’s Farm Park owner Carol Feehan has put Sooty in a pen with Sweep, one of his summer flings and the mother of three of his piglets. According to Feehan, “They are very compatible, as they are the same breed and color” — so compatible, in fact, that “I’ve had a few sleepless nights because of their noisy bedroom antics.” But fear not, fans — you can slow a pig like Sooty down, but you can never truly tame such a wild spirit. Says Feehan, “I am not sure Sooty is ready to settle down for good. He usually has one woman at one end of the cage and one at the other. Valentine’s Day is coming up and he might not want to miss out on any females around.”

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Trailer Hitch

It’s been said that the power of love can move mountains. So it should surprise no one that twenty men, flexing their rock-hard love muscles, would be able to move at least, say, a 747. Still, you’d have to admit, it ought to be something to see.


Well sit tight, because we’ll all have a chance to see it soon. Come March, twenty Taiwanese men, ranging in age from twenty-five to a wildly impressive seventy-seven, will reportedly fly to Los Angeles and try to crack Guinness’s apparently ever-broadening list by pulling a Boeing B747 jet — with their penises. According to the Independent of South Africa, the men are followers of Tu Chin-sheng, who teaches “penis-hanging art,” supposedly a Chinese martial-arts style. Tu claims that hanging iron blocks from one’s penis and testicles can enhance one’s virility, though the report says that some doctors call the training dangerous (some?). Ah, but the glory! Last October, three of Tu’s penis-hangers pulled a truck loaded with a hundred men for a full three meters in a central square in Taipei. Like they say, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

So Much for Catholic Guilt

There’s nothing odd about a Catholic priest getting involved in charity work, so when Father Olan Rynn, curate at Galway’s Salthill parish in Ireland, mentioned to his superior a while back his plans to assist with a fund-raiser for child cancer and cerebral palsy research, well, the elder priest just kind of nodded and muttered a “Sure, yeah, whatever,” without looking up from his crossword. Unfortunately, what Father Rynn didn’t make clear to his boss turned out to be some fairly important details: like, for instance, the fact that the fund-raiser was a monthly calendar. A nude monthly calendar, featuring local celebrities. And that among those local celebrities was Father Rynn himself.


Yep: in the grand (and ever more popular) tradition of the Rylstone Women’s Institute, a young Galway mother named Aileen Dunleavy decided to put together a nudie calendar to raise money for a good cause, and among her recruits to pose for the calendar was the handsome, twenty-eight-year-old Father Rynn, who happily doffed everything but his Roman collar and a strategically placed Good Book for his photo. According to the Irish Independent, when Rynn’s supervisor, Bishop James McLoughlin of Galway, finally figured out exactly what Rynn meant by “charity work,” the Bishop hit the roof, and the calendar — or at least, Father Rynn’s appearance in the calendar — was halted. Father Rynn will not be disciplined, though he will be forced to put up with a goodly amount of exasperated head-shaking from his colleagues.


Quote of the Week

“Last year I added more personal lubricant to my life, and this year I’m hoping to get married.”

— Comedian and marrying man Tom Arnold, in Entertainment Weekly.

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©2001 Dan Reines and, Inc.