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January 18, 2002



Talk About a Ladykiller



Next time you find yourself near the shark tank in the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, Nebraska, keep an eye on the little epaulet shark in the corner. He may look harmless, but take our word for it, he’s a randy little bugger.


    

According to Reuters, zookeepers at the Doorly facility are baffled at the apparent “virgin birth” of a bonnethead pup to one of three adult female bonnethead sharks — they’re not sure which. The odd part, according to the report, is that there’s no male bonnethead in the tank, and the epaulet is the only male shark of any variety to whom the three females have been exposed since they were brought to the zoo as two- to three-pound pups. But before you come to the obvious conclusion, know this: bonnetheads are huge — just slightly smaller than hammerheads — while epaulet sharks are, well, not. It would be like “a Chihuahua impregnating a Saint Bernard,” says zoo director Lee Simmons, perhaps ignoring the smug grin on the epaulet’s face. Simmons says experts are currently conducting DNA tests to determine which shark was the mother and who might have fathered the pup, who died five hours after birth when it was bitten by a stingray (oh, cruel fate). “We want to know if there was a father or if there was a weird hybridization of species,” explains Simmons, who says asexual reproduction is unheard of in sharks. “It will make a damn interesting research paper.” If you ask us, it’d make an even more interesting video. That is, if you’re a shark.



Good Week Not to Put Your Lunch in the Ice Box



Some jobs come with fabulous vacation benefits, hefty in-house discounts. Or every other Friday off. At the southwest London scientific analysis firm LGC, you get none of that. But there are perks all the same. Oh yes, there are perks.


    

Like, for instance, the company-approved, mid-afternoon masturbation break.


    

That’s right. According to a report at Ananova.com, a company memo e-mailed to the LGC staff this week invited male workers to spend some intimate time with themselves between ten a.m. and five p.m. in the men’s room “on the first floor nearest to Block 1.” As you’d expect, there is a catch: the men have been asked to save the results of their little respites in test tubes in order to help get the company’s new forensic lab, er, up and running. “The Crime Scene DNA Lab needs some semen samples for making practice forensic exhibits and for training in DNA extraction techniques,” said the e-mail, which was leaked by an employee. “If you are able to provide a sample in one of the tubes and place this in the ice box this would be much appreciated.” A company spokesman couldn’t confirm whether any staff, uh, members had contributed.



Bet His Eyesight’s Great



Games are fun — that’s why they’re called games. But some games, well, they’re not as fun as the other games. Like, for instance, the game where you end up in a hospital with eight inches worth of carrot up your bum. See? Not as fun.


    

Unfortunately for one poor Croatian fellow, the carrot game is the one he and his ladyfriend happened to choose one recent evening. Yes, according to the Slobabna Dalmacija newspaper (as translated by Ananova.com — our Croatian is a little bit rusty), an unidentified thirty-year-old man was brought to a Dubrovnik hospital last week after the root vegetable snapped off inside his own personal compost heap while he and his girlfriend were engaged in a bit of sexual tomfoolery. Doctors confirmed that they removed the carrot, but the man reportedly had to pay for the treatment in cash, because apparently his health insurance, for whatever reason, doesn’t cover carrots in the bum. “We are not prepared to comment on the case,” said a hospital spokesman, before adding, “The man was from Cavtat and he has been treated and has left, and that is the end of the matter.” Get it? End of the matter? Get it? (Okay, he probably didn’t mean it that way.)



Quotes of the Week



“I think no ego and a sense of humor are important . . . and a big dick.”


— Singer Nikka Costa, on what she looks for in a man, as quoted in Rolling Stone.



“Do Siamese twins count as one or two?”


Howard Stern, asked on his show to count the women he’s been with since his 1999 separation from his wife.


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©2002 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.