Regulars

This Week in Sex

Pin it

 REGULARS








This Week in Sex   
<last week



January 19, 2001


Fined for Excessive Celebration



Well, the Super Bowl is nigh, and that can only mean one thing. No, we’re not talking about over-hyped advertising, though there will be plenty of that. Nor are we referring to fatty bean dip, sub-par football, lip-syncing pop stars, or excessive alcohol consumption, though you’re getting close with that last one. No, the one thing we’re talking about is, of course, that most enduring of all Super Bowl staples: strippers.


    

Alright, perhaps lap-dancing is not the first thing that pops to mind when you think of the NFL’s biggest showcase, but that’s because you’re not an NFL player or a police officer in Tampa, where the big game takes place on January 28. (You’re not, right?) According to the St. Petersburg Times, the cops in that town have unilaterally declared war on fun; more specifically, they’ve made it plain that during the two weeks leading up to the game, they’ll be strictly enforcing the city’s year-old law prohibiting strippers from getting within six feet of their customers, an ordinance which makes lap dances logistically very difficult. “If you’re a football player, whatever, if you’re going to do it, you’re going to be taking a trip,” warned Tampa police Detective Bret Bartlett, one of two officers assigned to the department’s adult entertainment unit.


    

Still, not everybody was cowed by Bartlett’s ominous words, particularly considering that the Super Bowl always means extremely big business for the host city’s adult entertainment industry. “We’ve never complied with the ordinance,” said a defiant Joe Redner, owner of strip bar Mons Venus, “not for one second.” He might want to reconsider that stance: police have already raided Redner’s club once since his comments appeared in the Times, arresting in the process two Dallas Stars hockey players in town for an NHL game.



Ballsy Politics



We here at This Week in Sex may not be the sharpest political wizards, but we can recognize a populist movement when it stampedes past us, and trust us when we tell you that there’s a major movement afoot in central India.


    
Perhaps you remember the story of Heera Bai, who was elected last year to the state assembly of Madhya Pradesh. Well as it turns out, Bai is not the only neutered bigwig making big waves in that central Indian state. According to a Reuters report, there are currently two eunuch mayors in the area, as well as three top business executives and yet another state legislator, Shabnam Mausi (“Aunt Shabnam” to her constituents). Now, Mausi has announced plans to start a political party for India’s estimated half-million eunuchs, primarily men who are castrated at puberty and are classified as neither male nor female, though they’re often referred to as “she.” The party will be open to “all sexes,” including anyone who desires “a clean atmosphere in politics,” according to the report. Sabnam wouldn’t say what the party will be called, but she did promise that the word “Eunuch” will be included in the name. Which, you’d have to agree, is just smart politics.



Reduce! Reduce!



The copy machine, if you look at it just right, has always been something of a workplace miracle: a giant, flashing toy for adults with scores of handy uses, not least of which is the ability to quickly and repeatedly reproduce one’s backside in grainy black-and-white. Oh come on — tell us you’ve never thought of it, never run your finger along the smooth glass copying surface and wondered silently what your rear bumper might look like smashed up against it. No? Not even at the company holiday party?


    

Well, Daniel Everett of St. Louis has, and it’s really kind of a sweet story. After all, he just wanted to make something special for his girlfriend — you know, something to help get her through that long St. Louis winter. (It’s always the gift you make yourself that means the most, isn’t it?) So Everett honed in on the nearest copy machine and had a seat, his khakis around his ankles, and pressed the big green button. And now, according to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, the thirty-eight-year-old mechanic faces charges of disturbing the peace and indecent conduct, all because no one ever mentioned to him that you’re not allowed to photocopy your ass in the middle of the afternoon in the lobby of the St. Louis County Courthouse.


    

Yes, it happened last week, and when courthouse security closed in on him, Everett was apparently genuinely surprised, wondering aloud, “What did I do? What did I do?” But things cleared up for Everett pretty quickly. After being cuffed — yes, after — Everett reportedly assessed the situation thusly: “Well, I guess you’re going to arrest me.” Of course, we need to be clear about one thing: all this is alleged, and nothing has been proven in a court of law. Still, things don’t look good for poor Everett, who managed to churn out two pages of self-incriminating evidence before being nabbed. Police Chief Richard T. Morris said the photocopies were torn, of poor quality and showed “a big black blob.”



Quotes of the Week



“Is Christina Aguilera honestly Latina, or is her name one of those Geraldo Rivera things? And does the carpet match the drapes? In fact, is the room even carpeted yet?”




— Always-tactful once-was David Lee Roth, in Spin.





“That a hairy, ugly, mutated Jew like Ron Jeremy can get laid is so fucking unfathomable. Has Ron bought any one of you, ever, a meal? [He] has given ugly men in America the opportunity to not look at their even uglier wives. What a mitzvah.”




Screw publisher Al Goldstein — himself a hairy, ugly Jew — speaking to colleagues at the Adult Entertainment Expo.









next week>


Did we miss any sex in the news? Send the story to tips@nerve.com.









©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.