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Weekend Review
Who’s Your Daddy?

We thought having to explain our parents’ custody battle (“that’s why I wear
this special whistle”) was a bitch, but Jaime Saphier’s yet-to-be-named son
is going to have a much tougher time of it. The baby, who was born in
Liverpool on Tuesday, was conceived with sperm his mother purchased from the
website ManNotIncluded.com. Miss Saphier and her partner, Sarah Watkinson,
turned to the site when their GP refused to help them conceive a child. They
are the second single-sex couple to have a baby using the online fertility
clinic.

For the price of 1500 pounds (about $2,700), fresh jizz and a DIY kit were
delivered to Saphier’s door. Saphier didn’t know who the donor was
but, when ordering the half-a-baby-in-a-box, she was able to select his
race, eye color, height and weight, social background and education
achievement. Damn. We think that’s pretty spectacular, considering the last
guy I slept with lied about four out of six of those things, and some of us are
still convinced he was wearing color contacts. — Tobin Levy

Newswire

Ukraine’s youngest mother, an eleven-year-old girl, gives birth
to a healthy baby boy.

Kama Sutra, condoms and
carnival upsets churchmen.

Looking for I-porn? Booble it.

Top Model Will Not Be Seen Tonight So We Can Bring You . . .

We got tricked into watching the State of the Union Address by a more
politically minded friend who swore — swore! — that he didn’t know Top Model
wouldn’t be on.  Denied our usual Tuesday night fix of Tyra Banks
psychologically abusing young women, we decided to stick around and see if
Bush would, as rumored, propose an amendment against gay marriage.  We had
stuff ready to throw at the TV and everything.  In the end, we’re not sure
exactly sure what Bush said, though we imagine an episode of Top Model would
have been much more edifying.  Essentially: we heard a bunch of stuff about
activist judges, sanctity, constitutional processes, and so on, without
actual use of the words “gay,” “homosexual” (or for that matter, “‘mo”, “same-sex,” or “amendment”). Some speculate that this is because Bush is
reticent to alienate gay Republicans, though they’d have to be pretty
fucking dense not to read the subtext. Then again, they are gay Republicans.
An anomaly that’s been pointed out before, yes, but also one that never
stops being funny, in that kind of Ripley‘s way. — Carrie Hill Wilner

The Great Rock ‘n’ Roll Sex Change

We have a theory about band members — you can pretty much tell their
personality from the instrument they play. Guitarists are arrogant.
Drummers, not that bright. Bassists: emotionally traumatized. And
keyboardists are a little . . . yeah.

Our theory gained traction when former Jethro Tull’s keyboardist, David
Palmer, underwent a sex change operation to become a woman called Dee.
Specifically, a woman named Dee with a taste for black leggings. Dee, now
66, plans to embark on a solo career, explaining, “I want to be judged on my
musical ability alone, and nothing else.” It would be nice if we could
determine what people judged us based on. That way, everybody could remember
Aqualung fondly, and not hold Jethro Tull accountable for later sins.

Dee insists she’s always been… um, Dee, but that she could only go through
with the accordant operations after the death of wife Margaret. (Like our
stealthy avoidance of the possessive pronoun there?) Poor Margaret was
apparently unaware that her marriage was a sham – and a sham involving a
wearer of leggings, at that. Dee’s currently in Spain, recording her first
solo album, and preparing for a tour of Britain. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Erotobituary

Helmut Newton, the famed photographer of austere, Amazonian female nudes (and the man who contributed as much as anyone to the hyper-sexualizing of fashion layouts and advertising), died Friday in a Los Angeles car accident. He was 83.

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