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Do the Do

Soccer stud David Beckham has long been tantamount to royalty in his native United Kingdom, but his veneration now seems to have spread to the Far East. We hear that growing numbers of Japanese women are modeling their pubic hair on Beckham’s trademark faux-hawk. The trend is apparently most popular among office workers, who have developed three basic Beckham tributes: “Soft Beckhams” (hair grows freely and curls back to form a natural peak); “Popular Beckhams,” (it’s teased into a Mohican); and “Hardcore Beckhams” (the top of the Mohican is dyed an eye-catching color). One giggling office worker offered an explanation: “Pubic hairstyling can make the difference for a girl when she’s competing with another girl whose looks are about the same as hers.” Other more controversial styles that can be found in Tokyo locker rooms include the Carrot Top, the Patrick Stewart and the Reverend Al Sharpton.

Do What I Say, Not What I Do

Last week we told you about a Floridian sex-ed tutor who caused a stir by employing fresh fruit, Christmas carols and condoms in his attempt to teach a room full of giggling potential gonorrhea cases. Now it appears the high school sex-ed revolution is spreading beyond the cultural Mecca that is suburban Florida. Thanks to a freshly half-baked plan, students at the Romen Rolan High School in Stara Zagora, Bulgaria, are to be educated in the ways of the flesh by their pimply, gangling classmates. The idea is backed by the Bulgarian Association for Family Planning and Sexual Health, whose spokesperson, Dessi Georgieva, noted that “young people are more receptive to information about their reproductive and sexual health when the barriers of age and teacher authority are removed.” Students’ lecture themes will include contraception, sexually transmitted diseases, the structure of the male and female reproduction system and quite possibly lists of classmates they’ve “totally finger fucked.”

Really Wrong Number

In 1964, a relatively coherent and healthy Keith (Keef) Richards gave birth to arguably the greatest guitar riff in rock and roll history. It went, “nah nah, na-na-na, na-na na” and later became the basis of the Rolling Stones’ hit “Satisfaction.” Keith had committed the idea to tape in between a few bottles of the hard stuff. The next afternoon, to his growing horror, he found that the tape contained only forty-five minutes of fitful snoring. As the tape came to its dying seconds, Keith was relieved to hear that he had in fact managed to record the riff and had thus secured the Stones’ place in the annals of rock. This might have stood as the best snoring-related anecdote of all time had a Lakewood, Ohio, man not misdialed a telephone number this week. Trying to make a dirty call to a female friend, the man accidentally dialed Police Chief Guy Turner. The chief listened patiently, then instructed a dispatcher at the police station to have the call traced. The investigation led police to the home of John Mullen Jr., who was still on the line but fast asleep and snoring. Mullen was due to appear in court Wednesday, but he faxed in a not-guilty plea instead. It’s unclear whether he managed to stay awake through the entire transmission.

I See Gay People

In a lawsuit filed against hotel magnate Leona Helmsley by a former employee, it has come to light that among Helmsley’s manifold virtues is a tendency to assume that everyone, everywhere is gay. That she’d declare Tom Cruise gay after seeing him on TV is no surprise, but we’d never really considered Donald Trump’s sexuality before. Ugh. God. That’s going to keep us awake at night for a while. More entertaining were the lawsuit’s allegations that Helmsley would ask job applicants if they were gay and would storm through hotel lobbies proclaiming, “This looks like a queer convention.” Wow. That would be cool, if, like, people could have sexuality-wide conventions, and, like, rent out hotels and community centers and, like, have name tags and speakers. They could have a seminar on “How to Anger Desiccated Millionaires With Your Sexual Practices.” Hot. They could even have them at Helmsley hotels. And then it would be sort of like the time Great-Aunt Vivian was staying with us, and we had Daniel and Steve over and made them hold hands just to piss her off, and it did, and she called them “inverts” and spat a lot when she talked. Inverts. That was funny.

Assistance provided by Carrie Hill Wilner.

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