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January 25, 2002



Tough Customers



Hey, Calvin Koenig was just trying to do a little something for the ladies, to plug a hole in the marketplace, as it were. It’s the kind of thing that gets parks named after politicians, but Koenig got no such recognition for his innovation. In fact, he didn’t get much of anything at all.


    

Koenig is the man behind Angels, Europe’s first brothel for women. The bordello, which opened in the Swiss village of Leibstadt just a few short months ago, offered plenty of, uh, services for the woman on the go, including everything from sexy talk to just plain sex, but regardless of the payer’s personal proclivities, the price was always the same: about $300, to be paid upon completion of the lovin’. And therein, perhaps, lay the problem for Koenig and his Angels (yes, the sex workers named themselves after their place of business). See, the brothel’s customers had a nasty habit of paying only what they felt the service had merited — as a result, Angels this week went down like a two-bit whore, leaving a whole team of male prostitutes without a place to hang their hats (to say nothing of those leopard-skin bikini briefs the Europeans seem to love so much).


    

Things couldn’t be worse for poor Koenig, but a pair of news reports suggests that things have, in fact, just gotten worse. According to Ananova.com and Reuters, the thirty-one-year-old entrepreneur was arrested this week after allegedly using a toy gun to rob an elderly couple of more than $400 in Waldshut, just over the German border from Leibstadt. “Me and the boys would service all these women, and they wouldn’t pay,” Koenig told the police who arrested him, in what appears to have been quite a cathartic interrogation. “It was a good idea, but women are just stingy.” Offered a helpful Peter-Georg Biewald, spokesman for the Waldshut police, “If they’d operated like a normal brothel and made sure they got the money before the sex, they would have been alright.” If convicted, Koenig reportedly faces up to five years in prison, but at least he’s learned something from his ordeal: after all, the German couple presumably paid up front.



Always Wear Goggles



We’ll say this much for Calvin Koenig: In all the reports about his fallen Angels, there wasn’t a single mention of any workers missing time as a result of on-the-job accidents. Sure, that may not seem like a big deal to you, but it’d certainly please the folks at WorkCover New South Wales. WorkCover, the Australian state’s workplace safety commission, has, according to Ananova.com, released a list of workplace safety guidelines for the area’s recently legalized sex industry. The guidelines, called “Getting on Top of Health and Safety” (hey, they chose the name), cover such potential pitfalls as dim lighting in brothels and massage parlors, tripping in showers, loose bed frames and, uh, “repetitive movement problems.” Says WorkCover general manager Kate McKenzie, “It’s an industry just like any other and it’s very timely that some effort goes into improving occupational health and safety standards in the industry.” True, but they forgot bedsores.



Hog Heaven



Some lives look just so damned blissful from the outside, it’s hard to imagine them as anything but perfect. But here’s the thing: They’re never perfect. Sometimes, in fact, the more perfect they look, the lousier they actually are.


    

Take, for example, the life led by Rex, a thirty-six-stone British pig stud who makes his home on David Heugh’s Whirlow Hall Farm in Sheffield. Ol’ Rex, at the tender age of three years, has developed for himself the following routine: eat, sleep, roll around in slop, eat, eat again and have sex. A lot of sex. In fact, twenty-five times a week — that much sex. Not a bad life, eh fellas? Yeah well, what you don’t know is that Rex has some competition, and things aren’t looking good for him right now. According to London’s Sun, the enormous pig has become a danger to his sows (hey, you let a five-hundred-pound hog mount you from behind), and now Farmer Heugh’s planning to send Rex packing in favor of the younger, skinnier (168 pounds) Mr. Darcy. (That tramp.) “He is a big ugly brute,” says the plain-spoken Heugh of his portly porker, “but we have all grown fond of him because he is such a character. But now his weight is a problem and it’s time for someone younger and slimmer to take over.” Perhaps they could check on Sooty‘s availability . . .



Quotes of the Week



“Chocolate for me is just like an orgasm.”


— Pop star Britney Spears, famous for her pledge to forego sex until marriage, during a visit to a German chocolate museum.



“I wish I’d never said anything about being a virgin now.”


Spears, later, to Reuters.



“Clearly our crew are so professional, they practice restraint procedures at home.”


— A British Airways spokeswoman on the hundreds of handcuffs intended for use in restricting unruly passengers that have gone missing from the airline’s restraint kits, as quoted by Ananova.com.





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©2002 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.