This Week in Sex

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This Week in Sex   
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January 26, 2001

Stiff Competition

Move over, Survivor — now there’s something meatier!


No, it’s not Survivor II, and it’s not Temptation Island,
though you’re heading in the right direction with that one. What we’re
talking about here is Pornstar Survivor, a brand-new — you
guessed it — subscription Web series set to launch alongside this
week’s SII debut.


Here’s the deal, according to a report in the Los Angeles Times:
Four regular Joes spend a week in a Malibu mansion with four porn stars,
engaging in physical “challenges” along the lines of naked Twister and
topless football (as well as something bearing the intriguing name
“Pornstar Obstacle Course”). Every day, one of the guys gets voted out of the
house by the women; the final “survivor” gets $1,000 and “a chance to be
treated like a king for a day by the stars,” according to the Times,
which tactfully goes no further with that description. Come the fall, the
weekly winners will compete for a $50,000 grand prize; viewers can
watch the entire season for a mere $29.95.


Of course, CBS isn’t as thrilled with Pornstar Survivor as are its creators
(not to mention the 600,000 people who’ve visited the site since November).
The broadcasting company, along with Survivor Productions LLC, have sent a
cease-and-desist letter to the Website’s operators and threatened legal
action. For their part, the folks at Pornstar Survivor point out that CBS
doesn’t own the word “survivor,” and anyway, it’s extremely unlikely that
viewers would confuse the two shows.

There’s Always a Scapegoat

We big-city types, what with our shoebox apartments and our paper-thin
walls, we think we’ve got the market cornered on noisy neighbors having
sex. Yeah well, we big-city types is wrong. After all, Queenie Hollon has
the same damned problem, and she lives way out in Prattville, Alabama.
Difference between Queenie and the rest of us is that Queenie isn’t taking
this laying down. She’s pushing to rid Prattville of humping goats once and for


Yep, goats. According to, Queenie’s neighbor, Horace Smith,
keeps more than a dozen of the little guys — or “about fifteen or
something or another like that,” by his somewhat more specific count
— in his backyard, where, he explains, “they are my lawnmowers.”
Maybe so, but to Queenie, they sound more like rabbits — er, that is,
if rabbits made wild sex noises to go along with all their wild sex. “It’s
right there at my bedroom window every night,” she says, “the awfulest
noise you ever heard,” though no doubt many a goat would disagree. Still,
the eighty-one-year-old Smith isn’t the least bit sheepish about his
little John Deeres, proudly proclaiming that “right now, they are bringing
babies.” Queenie’s opposition to all that goat lovin’ hasn’t fallen on
deaf ears; a proposed law to outlaw goats in Prattville fell one vote
short of ratification, but according to the report, city Mayor Jim Byard is
working on a bylaw that would cover noise made by all animals.

Must Be the Coffee

Brace yourselves, boys. The numbers are back from the latest penis-size
survey, and the results don’t look good for us Yanks.


According to a new study conducted by urologist Dr. Paolo Palma, the
average erect Brazilian penis is 5.7 inches long, or roughly the size
of a Nokia cell phone, including the antenna, as the folks at Reuters so
helpfully explained. By contrast, the average American model tops out at
five inches even — picture that same Nokia, only with the antenna
snapped off (ouch!). Now of course, being that Dr. Palma is himself the
owner of a Brazilian penis, one might be excused for a little
skepticism regarding his findings, and one wouldn’t be alone. According to
the Reuters report, one major critic of Palma’s findings is fellow
Brazilian Dr. Bayard Santos, a specialist in penis enlargement who points
out that Palma’s survey only measured some 150 Brazilians. On the other
hand, Santos, who claims to have inflated one Brazilian member from 4.3
inches to a whopping 10.6 inches, says that he measured more than two
thousand Brazilians and found that the average erect Brazilian penis
actually stands 5.9 inches (though he stresses that it ain’t the length
that matters, it’s the width). All of which raises one crucial question
for This Week in Sex: When, for the love of God (and country), are
some American scientists going to get cracking on this issue?

Quotes of the Week

“Thongs just aren’t flattering. I don’t care what kind of ass you

Baywatch “actress” Yasmine Bleeth, in
Entertainment Weekly.

“There is no sex at my parties. That is not us. Salem is a stupid town
with stupid people who lie.”

— Salem, New Hampshire, resident Danielle Penney, on charges
that the wild bi-monthly parties thrown by her and her husband are
forty-dollar-a-head swingers affairs. Neighbors are skeptical,
though, especially since they found an ad for “Love Shack” parties “hosted
by Brett and Danielle” on a New England Swingers Web site. Oh yeah, did we
mention that Danielle’s license plate reads “LVSHCK”? The Penneys have
announced they’ll be moving out of Salem.

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©2001 Dan Reines and, Inc.