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Tennis player Marat Safin shows off his skills at the Australian Open last Friday.

Batter Batter, Swing

Back in college, TWR did some unconventional shit for money. We sold our plasma, spent two weeks in a sensory deprivation tank for $350, and found ourselves on the wrong end of the canvas during many a Life Drawing class.

Still, we can’t compete with baseball player Kazuhito Tadano. This week, it was reported that the minor-league prospect for the Cleveland Indians appeared in a gay porn video, engaging in a “homosexual act.”

Perceptions of porn, baseball and gay sex being what they are, the twenty-three-year-old player has been forced to defend his choice as if it were a crime against humanity. Teams in Tadano’s native country have shunned the player, who calls his porn participation a “one-time mistake.” “I was young, playing baseball, and going to college, and my teammates and I needed money,” he explained at a press conference. “I’m not gay. I’d like to clear that fact up right now.”

Of course, we’re sympathetic to his situation. It must suck to have to prep for being heckled at Yankee stadium. We just have one question: What chant rhymes with “hardcore gay porn?” – Tobin Levy

Newswire

Cathy, perpetually single and annoying cartoon character, may wed.

Judge: policeman wrongly fired for masturbation video.

Paris Hilton’s ex offers to drop lawsuit if he can market sex tape as pay-per-view.

Oxygen Network to launch show titled My Friend Is a Big, Fat Slut.

Bad Sports

TWR went to a singularly unathletic university*. That suited us fine. So we’re always a little surprised by the lengths some schools go to for their athletes.

Take the University of Colorado, where football players are
apparently recruited with sex parties. Now, getting thwacked in the head all day isn’t easy, and we’d want to be reimbursed with virgins and Jell-O shots, too. But we don’t have to tell you that football recruits, virgins and Jell-O shots are all fun and games until . . . well, they’re not. According to Boulder County DA Mary Keenan, two women (one in 1997 and one in 2001) reported they were raped at recruitment parties. Keenan charges that UC officials have resisted demands to end the parties because they don’t want to “lose their competitive edge” to universities such as Oklahoma and Nebraska.

One player told police that a recruiter promised him he’d find “easy sex” at the university, then showed him a porn video and said, “That’s what you get.” In case, we guess, he needed a visual to understand the term “easy sex.” Uh, isn’t that what you get for simply going to college? – Carrie Hill Wilner

* assuming that murder-suicides and writing dirty anagrams in the back of Victorian Lit books don’t count as competitive sports.

Here Kitty Kitty

Sixty percent of U.S. citizens are obese, our country is involved in a teensy karmic blunder called “Iraq,” and, apparently, so many of us consider Dennis Rodman a sex symbol that he’s being paid to promote sexual-enhancement pills. Hmm. It’s a sad time to be an American, but now there’s some solace to be had. At least we’re not Swedish.

This week, Svenska Veterinårforbundet, a Swedish veterinary organization, claimed that Swedes are having “more and more” animal sex. We can’t decide what’s more disturbing: that animal sex is legal in Sweden, that every year between 200 and 300 pets are injured in the meatball Mecca because of sexual assaults, that Sweden’s video stores stock animal porn, or that Johan Beck-Friis, one of the organization’s spokespersons, said, “We have seen an increase [in animal sex abuse] since 1999, when child pornography became illegal. It appears, in other words, as there are some who have replaced children with animals.”

In a related story: We’re planning a reconnaissance mission to Malmo and Uppsala to confiscate all the copies of Cat Fancy, Dogue and The Adventures of Milo and Otis we can find. – Tobin Levy

Botox: A Love Story

If someone offered us plastic surgery, we’d react to the suggestion about as kindly as an offer to, well, have our skin flayed off, stretched and reattached with sutures. But we suppose some less-jaded souls might interpret the statement, “Yeah, I actually do think you’re getting a bit jowly” as a touching declaration of love.

A study conducted by the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery determined that 59 percent of women and 54 percent of men would like to change at least one of their partner’s facial features. While men were likely to interpret the intimation that they’re ugly and should be fixed as an insult, women were inclined to see it as a gesture of affection, and were twice as likely to undergo surgery when the asshat ponied up to pay for the rhinoplasty he thought was so fucking necessary. We advocate taking the cash and using it to buy a new boyfriend. – Carrie Hill Wilner

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