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This Week in Sex   

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Feburary 1, 2002



Oldie but Goodie



You know how it is with guys: sometimes, no matter what’s right in front of ’em, they can’t help taking a look around — just in case there’s something better waiting.


    

Take Toby Hocking. Kid’s a senior at Foothill High in Orange County, California, and though he had himself a pretty solid date for the school’s winter formal last week, well, he wasn’t . . . quite . . . sure. See, this date, she was a little older than him — actually, she was thirty-five, which is a lot older — so, you know, the seventeen-year-old Toby kinda hesitated. “At first,” he told the Associated Press, “I thought, ‘Go to the dance with a thirty-five year old?’ But then I realized, she’s really hot.” And well yeah, she is really hot. In fact, the girl who’d agreed to escort Toby to the formal ain’t your average thirtysomething cradle-robber — rather, she’s Petra Verkiak, Playboy‘s Miss December for 1989 (oh, Toby may not know her, but we’re betting his dad remembers). Apparently, someone had slipped Verkiak the boy’s college entrance essay, in which he wrote about how he’d overcome the sneaking feeling that he was an outcast at school (he does play the clarinet in the school band, for what that’s worth) by making a concerted effort to seek out friends. Verkiak was duly impressed. “I thought it was really deep,” she said. “And I related to it.” (Clearly, she too had to find ways to get people to pay attention to her when she was young.) So the Playmate sent word that, if the kid was interested, she’d be his date for the dance. Eventually Toby wised up and said yes, and last week, decked out in a black Del Rosario gown and clutching her young date’s arm, Verkiak emerged from a black limousine and strolled into the 2002 Foothill High School winter formal. “I’m so excited,” she said. “This is like a fairy tale.” And it was, too. Did we mention the kid plays the clarinet?



Sure as Hell Beats Bob Dole



Ain’t no one on God’s green earth knows more about scoring than Pele. We’ve known that for years — it’s about time the folks at Pfizer figured it out.


    

But though it took some time, the pharmaceutical giant has apparently come to its senses, enlisting the world’s greatest soccer player to help promote its signature product, Viagra. The Brazilian, who since his retirement a quarter-century ago has become as well known for his private life as he was for the 1,283 goals he scored in his two-decade-long career, will reportedly sign on to sell his countrymen on the wonder drug’s glorious benefits. According to Reuters, aides of the sixty-one-year-old soccer giant (real name: Edson Arantes do Nascimento) confirmed that negotiations are almost complete on a deal that will be announced after Brazil’s mid-February carnaval. “In a World Cup year, this is a very strong hook,” said a source with the ad agency behind the deal.



Maybe She’d Be Better Off Hiring Pele



Speaking of Viagra (and really, has anyone stopped talking about it in four years?), one Colombian woman has managed to turn the little blue dynamo into quite a powerful tool — a tool for political revolution, as it were.


    

Forty-year-old Ingrid Betancourt, who’s running for president of her war-ravaged country, has reportedly taken to handing out samples of the impotency drug on street corners as a campaign stunt, according to Reuters. “We want our votes to dose Colombia with Viagra, to lift and firm up the country,” Betancourt told the news agency, in what might be one of the most painfully forced metaphors ever employed by a politician. Then, as if actually trying to make her aides cringe, she added that she hoped the symbolic gesture would help “make peace swell, by standing up to the corrupt and stiffening our people.” Betancourt, who stepped down as a national senator to run for president, is promising a crackdown on government corruption, along with improved negotiations with leftist guerrillas. And though her methods may be a little, uh, ham-fisted, she seems to be gaining at least some supporters. “Colombia must rise up!” shouted one gray-haired gentleman after Betancourt handed him a power pill while he was stopped at a traffic light in downtown Bogota this week. We’re assuming he was referring to his home country, and not some juvenile pet name for his little hombre.



Quotes of the Week



“Okay. We’ve never met, but I can tell you, we’re having great sex.”


— Actress Nicole Kidman, addressing rumors of an affair with the Counting Crows’ Adam Duritz (and legitimizing millions of teen boys’ fantasies), in The Face magazine.



“It’s the Empire State Building baby! Suck it!”


Frank Sinatra to an unidentified female companion in a bathroom stall at New York’s Trump Plaza, as overheard (and recently recalled) by celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain, according to British gossip newsletter Popbitch.




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©2002 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.