This Week in Sex

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This Week in Sex   
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February 2, 2001

Porn Czar

Anybody who’s been paying any kind of attention over the past decade or so
knows just what a rousing success the Drug War has been, and what a
fantastic difference the office of the Drug Czar has made. So we probably
should have expected that other government bodies would start adding
Problem Czars of their own in a vast effort to eliminate all social ills by
invoking the Russian monarchy. Now that it’s finally happening, the only
question is, What took so damned long?


According to a report in the Salt Lake Tribune, the state of
Utah has named former West Valley City prosecutor Paula Houston to the
office of Porn Czarina, in charge of wiping out pornography in the Beehive
State. (Well technically, she’s the Obscenity and Pornography Complaints
Ombudsman, but if you ask us, she’s better off sticking with the short
version. It’s never a good sign when your job title includes the words
“obscenity,” “pornography” and “complaints.” ) Houston’s job will include
investigating and prosecuting all those who violate the state’s obscenity
laws — on the Internet, on television, in books, magazines, movies
or any other medium. Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff introduced his
new attack dog at a press conference this week, claiming that “there’s
absolutely no redeeming value to pornography.” Which suggests that Mr.
Shurtleff might just be looking at the wrong pornography.

Cricket Gets Interesting

Lord knows the sport of cricket has enough troubles. There is, for example,
its fierce and unrelenting irrelevance anywhere outside the erstwhile
British Empire. And there’s that impenetrable rule set too, and the
inexplicably long, five-day contests that evoke baffled laughter everywhere
but the cricket pitch. So really, the last thing they need in
cricketland is a full-blown sex scandal. On the other hand, that may be
just the thing this game is missing.


If so, we’re going to find out pretty soon, because international cricket
has landed itself deep in a fix that involves not only sex but
gambling and even a little booze as well, sort of the trifecta of juicy
sporting scandals. According to London’s Observer, a former
Pakistani Test player is claiming that some of the game’s top players were
coaxed into throwing matches in return for sex with Australian prostitutes.
Qasim Omar, who played for Pakistan throughout the ’80s, says that
illegal bookmakers lavished money and gifts, including jewelry, watches
and booze, on players who deliberately played poorly. In addition, Omar
claims that the mostly Aussie sex workers — including, he says, a
doctor, a nurse and a television presenter — were supplied to the
players by a pair of Sydney madams and paid for by the bookies. According
to Omar, the scandal — currently being looked into by British
investigators — included “one world-class batsman who was offered nine thousand
British pounds to throw his wicket away in the first four tests of a
five-match series.” For what it’s worth, we have no idea what that means

“Clean-Up in Home Electronics . . . “

The way we see it, there ain’t nothing wrong with a regular guy enjoying a
little good old-fashioned pornography every now and again. After all,
America’s a free country, isn’t it? And in a free country, a
thirty-nine-year-old single man ought to be able to pop an adult video in
the old VCR without getting harassed by Johnny Law, don’t you think? Yeah,
well, Gary Wysong of West Carrolton, Ohio, thought so too. Unfortunately,
that’s about the point at which he stopped thinking entirely.


Late last week, Mr. Wysong walked into the Meijer department store in Middletown, Ohio, and headed over to the home
electronics section (you see where this is going, don’t you?). According to
the Associated Press, the man put a Tina Turner video into one of
the display VCRs and watched it in its entirety, then ejected it and walked
away. Odd, no? Well, the store’s security guy thought so too, and began
watching him. A few minutes later, Wysong reportedly walked back to the VCR
and put in a different tape, this one a touch more hardcore than, say, the
video for “Private Dancer.” For some reason, the security guard sat back
and watched as Wysong viewed this tape for a full five minutes, until a
fourteen-year-old boy, no doubt stunned at his good fortune, happened past
the screen and began backing up in order to get a better view. Finally
snapping to, the Meijer rent-a-cop sent the kid packing, then swooped in to
arrest Wysong, who was charged with pandering obscenity and held on $25,000
bond. Apparently the deal is, watching porn is no problem as long as it’s
on your own VCR.


It would seem a tough case for Wysong to explain away, but you can’t blame
a man for trying. According to the report, he claimed he simply didn’t know
what was on that tape before he put it into the VCR, and who knows, maybe
he’s right. Then again, police do say they found a tape in Wysong’s
pocket marked “XXX Porno.” But you know, that could have been anything.

Quotes of the Week

“Nine weeks is a long time for some people to go without [sex]. It’s just a
question of finding those people.”

— An unnamed insider on the British version of Big Brother,
telling the Daily Star of the producers’ apparent desire to find
contestants likely to have sex on camera during the upcoming Big
Brother 2.

“It wasn’t a sexual ‘baby, oh baby, I love your body’–type love. It was a
deep ‘thank you for taking me out of this hole.'”

— Model, actress and alleged gold-digger Anna Nicole Smith,
surprising absolutely no one with her description of her feelings for her
late nonagenarian husband, Texas billionaire Howard Marshall II.

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©2001 Dan Reines and, Inc.