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Weekend Review
Quotes of the Week

“Outrage, anger, embarrassment and serious injury.”

— Damages claimed by Terri Carlin, a Tennessee woman who filed a multibillion-dollar lawsuit against Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake for their boob-exposing performance at Sunday’s Super Bowl.

“It’s only a nipple and there are far more important things to talk about.”

— Dixie Chicks manager Simon Renshaw re: the Jackson Super Bowl controversy.

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A Rhythm Nation Challenged

Even those jerks who claim “never to watch TV” have by now absorbed the high farce that was Justin Timberlake ripping off a part of Janet Jackson’s outfit at the MTV-produced Super Bowl halftime show, exposing Janet’s breast and Justin’s true colors as a “nasty boy.” Even before Janet and Justin insisted their perfectly laid booby trap was a “wardrobe malfunction” — combining two words that had never been used together — TV execs were as frantic as John Ashcroft at a free breast-cancer screening, scrambling to prevent any further displays of gratuitous boobage.

Recognizing the clear and present danger of Meryl Streep showing pink, Bill Murray hangin’ brain or Whale Rider star Keisha Castle-Hughes dropping a string of F-bombs at the Oscars, ABC will use a five-second delay for the duration of its broadcast. CBS immediately upped the ante and promised a five-minute delay on their broadcast of the Grammys, allowing for any audio and visual tinkering they deem necessary. (The action was sparked by rumors that Lil’ Kim was incensed she’d been outskanked by Jackson and had vowed to reclaim her prestige.) Even NBC hopped the bandwagon, cutting an ER scene that featured a brief glimpse of an eighty-year-old female patient’s breast. The madness continued as the week wore on: the upcoming Pro Bowl half-time show – originally to have been performed by Timberlake’s ‘NSYNC bandmate JC Chasez – was scrapped and replaced by a “traditional Hawaiian singing and dancing theme.”

So there are winners as well as losers. TWR‘s only concern is that Jackson’s tendency for bald-faced lying might be hereditary. She might want to get that checked out. — Grant Stoddard

Frozen Assets

Tommy is in the sixth grade. Technically he is the same age as — and twelve years older than — his peers. If Tommy was conceived when his mother, Jane, was twenty-three, how old is Jane now?

a) 35

b) 47

c) Tommy is a figment of some math teacher’s imagination.

This one’s a bitch, no? A year ago, the only viable answer would have been C. However, it was reported this week that an Israeli woman gave birth to healthy twin boys from embryos that were frozen twelve years ago. The cryogenic babies, deemed the “time warp twins” by one doctor, remained safely in storage through the 1990s. They’re believed to be the world’s oldest embyros to have been implanted successfully in a womb.

This development means that couples can harvest healthy eggs early in their lives and wait longer before having children. Some doctors believe there may be no biological limit to the time an embryo can be frozen. Said Dr. Simon Fishel, director of the Centre for Assisted Reproduction at The Park Hospital in Nottingham: “It is possible that you could have a woman in her forties or fifties giving birth to a baby she conceived as a teenager.” It’s also conceivable that this creeps us out. Why is he encouraging her to conceive as a teenager? — Tobin Levy

Newswire

German videogame company to release X-rated takeoff of The Sims. Sound effects include “moans and groans of pleasure.”

Massachusetts Supreme Court rules that only full marriage rights — not civil unions — would be constitutional for gay couples.

Massachusetts senator and Democratic presidential front-runner John Kerry offers his view on gay marriage. The gist: nuh-unh.

Bush concurs, further hinting at constitutional amendment to “defend sanctity of marriage.”

Woman’s chastity belt sets off metal detector in airport.

Mice able to produce monkey sperm.

Sometimes Love Don’t Feel Like It Should

A British psychologist (on whose sexual proclivities we won’t speculate) has determined that pain hurts less when women administer it. (TWR, who experienced much playground suffering at the hands of an Indian-burn-inflicting thug named Tara Martina, begs to differ.) David Williams, a research fellow at the University of Westminster, was conducing experiments with “tightening clamps” when he had this revelation. We suspect the whole thing might reflect Dr. Williams’ taste for his charming assistant’s “application of pressure,” not a genuine scientific advance. (Okay, we’re sorry. We promised no untoward speculation.) Williams theorizes that pain is felt more intensely the more it’s expected, and that most people expect to have less pain inflicted upon them by a woman than by a man. This tempts us to enlist male friends to approach passers-by, kick them in the shins, and say, “Shoulda seen it coming. I mean, with me being a man and all.” Dr. Williams further postulates that wall posters of wounds can increase a viewer’s sensations of pain. Besides “duh,” we have to say, “Where does one get wall posters illustrating wounds, and how inappropriate would it be to give them as Valentine’s Day gifts?” — Carrie Hill Wilner

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