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Weekend Review
Philipenis Envy

Like universities, men take a lot of pride in large endowments. Unlike universities, however, certain men may kill you if you offend them on this score. Arnel Orbeta of Manila is just such a man. This week Lil’ Arnel was knocking back a few with his buddies when one of them suggested that all present unzip their pants for a comparative penis review. Arnel was eager to whip out what he must have thought was the next thriller in Manila, but his delusions were crushed when the first thing out of chum Eduardo Cristomar’s mouth was a derisive snicker. An outraged Arnel proceeded to shoot Eduardo several times, proving once and for all that it’s not the size of the boat that counts but the motion of your finger pulling the trigger as you pump bullets into your drinking buddy.

Skirting the Rules

For reasons we’ve never been able to ascertain, New Jersey is known as “the Garden State.” A more fitting nickname might be “the Screw-You-Suckers-the-Second-I-Turn-Eighteen-I’m-Getting-Out-of-this-Bitch-and-Never-Looking-Back State.” We’re sure Deptford, New Jersey, high school student Jim Hamer would agree. This year Hamer and his crew began livening up their long school days with creative holidays like “Spoon Day” — celebrated by handing out plastic spoons to other students. Monday, February 3rd was to be “Plaid Skirt Day,” but the jubilant festivities were cut short when the administration determined that boys in plaid skirts were a distraction from learning, and thus in violation of the dress code. Hamer and co. contend that their skirts were of an appropriate length and that the administration’s opposition to gender bending is discriminatory. They point out that girls have the option of wearing pants or skirts, while poor, maligned teenage boys are denied the freedom of choice. While we’re with them there, we consider wearing plaid under any circumstances an offense worthy of punishment — except for maybe on certain kinds of cowboy shirts. Yeah, plaid cowboy shirts are okay. Hot, even. Yeah.

The Walrus Was Paul (#1)

“Why don’t we d-do it in the road?” bellows an atypically manic-sounding Paul McCartney throughout most of the eponymous song on 1968’s self-indulgent White Album. This week, thirty-five years later, TWIS offers English couples two perfectly valid reasons for postponing copulation until both parties can at least find some nearby hedges. Reason #1: The British government’s proposed new Sexual Offences Bill states that someone who “knows or is reckless” about public sex could face a jail term of up to six months. However, the legislation is pop star friendly: it rescinds Victorian restrictions on “cottaging.” Ministers decided that those having gay sex in a public toilet would not be prosecuted provided the participants remained in a cubicle with the door closed. Sure, guilty feet have no rhythm but this law would leave George Michael effectively guiltless. (If you discount his last album, that is.)

The Walrus Was Paul (#2)

As two north-of-England canoodlers found out this week, a more dire consequence of doin’ it al fresco can be sudden death. Paul Liversage, an English bus driver who ran over and killed a lascivious married couple as they lay in a dark street, was banned from the roads for six months yesterday and fined £300 ($500). Adding insult to fatal injury, Liversage told a Sheffield court that he had mistaken the pair for trash. (Whether he was speaking literally or figuratively remains unclear.) The fifty-seven-year-old Liversage was found guilty of careless driving but will be allowed to return to his job when the ban ends. In a particularly tragic twist, the copulating couple leaves behind seven children. So there, Mr. McCartney, a sobering answer to your “fuck-it-all” attitude. Happy now?

Assistance provided by Carrie Hill Wilner.

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