This Week in Sex

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This Week in Sex   
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February 9, 2001

Dr. M. and the Women

Run for the hills, men — the end is nigh!


You think we’re joking, and would that we were. But alas, this week’s
edition of This Week in Sex brings some alarming news to all you
fellows with a sneaking suspicion that, when it comes down to it, your
woman really doesn’t need you (if — ahem — you catch our
drift). The news? Uh, well, when it comes down to it, your woman really
doesn’t need you. And even if she does, well, that’s about to change.


According to a report, Dr. Stuart Meloy of Winston-Salem, North Carolina, has developed a
device that would allow women to instantly experience orgasm at the push
of a button.
The discovery, according to the report, was inadvertent;
Dr. Meloy, an anesthesiologist and pain specialist, was using a spinal cord
stimulator to help a female patient cope with severe back pain. The
procedure called for the doctor to place an electrode in the nerve bundle
that carries pain signals to the brain, but Meloy missed — and
stumbled upon a much, much more pleasing nerve bundle, causing the patient
to let out a particularly satisfied groan. “I asked her what that was,”
Meloy told CNN, “and she said, ‘You’re going to have to teach my husband to
do that.'”


Meloy may do her request one better. According to the report, the doctor
has already patented that use for the device, and he’s working with a
Minneapolis-based firm to market it to women with sexual dysfunction. And
if early indications are to be trusted, it could be a cash cow: “The next
day in the operating room, the nurses were all asking me how one gets
that,” said Meloy.

Osama bin Lovin’; or, Better Terrorism Through Pornography

You’d have to admit, Osama bin Laden has done pretty well for himself with
the whole terrorism thing — after all, name another international
outlaw who can boast first-name recognition the world over. (And don’t say
Moammar, either — it don’t count if we can’t even agree on the
spelling.) So if anyone’s going to make that lucrative jump from King of
Embassy Bombings to King of Web Porn, well, our money’s on the Big O.


Not that he’s actually considering a career change, but if he does,
he’ll be ready. According to a report this week in USA Today, bin
Laden’s men have been using pornographic Web sites as a drop-spot for
terrorist plans. The report cites communications and terrorism experts who
believe that, hidden in the pictures on a number of porn sites on the Web,
as well as in the comments posted to a few sports chat rooms, are encrypted
messages containing blueprints, maps and instructions for terrorist
attacks. “There is a tendency out there to envision a stereotypical Muslim
fighter standing with an AK-47 in barren Afghanistan,” said Ben Venzke,
director of special intelligence projects for a cyberintelligence company
based in Fairfax, Virginia. “But Hamas, Hezbollah and bin Laden’s groups
have very sophisticated, well-educated people. Their technical equipment is
good, and they have the bright young minds to operate them.” Bright, young,
horny minds, apparently.

Quotes of the Week

“If Hillary had bothered to go to Victoria’s Secret, maybe Monica Lewinsky
wouldn’t have received private lessons in the White House. If Saddam had
read a Victoria’s Secret catalog, our guys wouldn’t be shaking sand out of
their shorts.”

— CNN anchor Lynn Russell, extolling the considerable virtues
of lingerie to a conference of Meeting Professionals International in New

“I got a stripper and I got to bitch out Naomi Judd!”

— Newly eighteen-year-old Tennesseean Emily Westermeier,
listing her top birthday gains. According to reports, Westermeier’s
friends had ordered her a male stripper at a restaurant celebration of her
big day, which outraged co-patron Judd. Judd reportedly pulled the
stripper off the birthday girl, who responded with a barrage of verbal

“It is easy to imagine Eminem as a woman-hating, repressed gay man. He
appears to be very insecure about his sexual identity.”

— British gay rights spokesman Peter Thatchell, joining a
growing chorus.

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©2001 Dan Reines and, Inc.