This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Candy from Strangers on a Train

Remember that dodgy character who stared at you on the train this morning? Well, be glad you’re in the U S of A, where you can shoot him a dirty look and move to another seat, rather than in Europe, where his leering might be government subsidized. This week Viennese transit authorities designated the first car of every U-Bahn train the “flirt carriage.” Lollipops and pamphlets suggesting pick-up lines were handed out in an attempt to encourage Vienna’s 350,000 singles to mack it to each other. Why the lollipops? A spokesperson for the program suggests that shyer types may be more comfortable giving the objects of their affection the eye while sucking Chupa-Chups. This same spokesperson maintains that there are no sexual implications inherent in lollipop sucking, a declaration that severs ties with the traditional school of lollipop-sucking thought, headed by LL Cool J: “My sweet love ain’t gon’ stop (uh)/I’m gon’ be your lollipop.” Cool J declined repeated requests for comment.

Nice Shoes, Wanna Fuck?

Well, here’s a tip or two for those Wieners who aren’t too shy to speak up. A new British study has revealed that of all pick-up lines, the minimalist “Can I buy you a drink?” is the most effective. (Even if it’s incorrect. That’s “MAY I buy you a drink?” Didn’t you learn anything while prancing about at boarding school and playing cricket?) This long-overdue study also determined that “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” and “Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?” worked wonders, whereas “Is that a ladder in your tights or the stairway to heaven?” was useless. TWIS’s favorite pick-up tactic, curling up at the feet of your intended and whimpering incoherently, was not included in the study.

Silicone Tally

Thanks to the popularity of the au natural look at Carnival, Brazil now faces a profound economic crisis: demand for breast and buttock implants is outstripping supply. Brazilian plastic surgeons are working around the clock to accommodate the thousands of (mostly) ladies lined up to go under the knife. “We have lost many sales in the last couple of months because we don’t have enough prostheses,” said Sandra Guerra of the Perrose Pherthese silicone company. Paulo Matsudo, director of the Brazilian Society of Plastic Surgery, said that requests for breast and buttock implants are at record levels. “Brazil is a tropical country with a huge seaside and the population shows off their bodies a lot,” Matsudo told a local rag. As per the buttock implants, Matsudo added, “Brazilians value the buttocks very much.” Choose your own joke.

The XX Files

In some parts of India, the birth of a female tends to go down like a reggae band at a KKK rally. Many Indian women will terminate their pregnancies if they know they are having a girl, leaving some regions so estrogenless that desperate Indian bachelors have to “buy” wives from neighboring states or countries. This week, one eighteen-year-old Indian woman has taken matters into her own hands, deciding to placate her family and, well, grow a penis. The woman, named Poonam, approached doctors at the Sawai Mansingh Hospital in Jaipur complaining of pain in the lower abdomen. Tests revealed a developing male sex organ. After a two-and-a-half-hour operation to free the penis, doctors proudly told Poonam’s family, “A son is born.” Apparently the parents couldn’t be happier. Poonam was promptly given a male name, Poonamchand, a haircut and a couple of Percocets. By the evening, he was treating members of his former gender like second-class citizens. Huzzah!

Assistance provided by Carrie Hill Wilner.

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