Feburary 15, 2002

Lock Up the Teenagers!

A little heads-up for any of you fellas heading to Locust Township,

Pennsylvania, anytime soon: don't get too excited 'bout your trip. No,

seriously, don't — it just might land you in a heap of trouble.

This according to the Press Enterprise of Bloomberg, Pennsylvania,

which reported this week that councillors in Locust Township have

unanimously passed a bill outlawing public erections. That's right: the

council set a fine of upwards of $300 for appearing in public with an erect

penis — even if said penis is covered by a pair of pants. Of course,

they're not fanatic about it or anything — town lawyer Todd

Kerstetter says "normal occurrences" won't be prosecuted. "We're not going

to have a problem with a guy walking down the street and the police chief

pulling him over for it," says Kerstetter, though you can bet the guy

getting pulled over would have a problem with it. Continued Kerstetter,

"The supervisors are taking a proactive approach to protect the health,

safety and morals of the community." There was no indication in the report

that public erections had been an ongoing problem in Locust Township.

If I'm Just a Little Naughty, Can I Get a Watchman?

Well, the AIDS crisis in Africa doesn't seem to be slowing down any, and as

we all know, the blame for that can be easily pinned on one group of

ne'er-do-wells: the young girls who tempt otherwise chaste men into sexual

promiscuity. So that's why it's heartening to hear about one African

government's efforts to stop these conscienceless sirens. Yes, according to

Sunday Telegraph, the Ugandan government has decided that, in order

to persuade young women to stay virgins until marriage — thus

preserving their morality and stemming the tide of AIDS — they need to

offer 'em a little something, you know, for the effort.

Not that the Ugandan government doesn't already offer rewards for

such chastity. According to the Telegraph, if a young woman is a

virgin at the time of her wedding, she and her new husband are

traditionally awarded a shiny new goat. But apparently, the "Hold out 'til

marriage, get a goat!" program just isn't doing it for today's generation.

Conceded Health Minister Robert Ssebunya, "I accept that a goat is perhaps

no longer enough of an incentive for young people today, but we will try to

come up with rewards that will tempt them to preserve the good morals of

the kingdom." And what kind of rewards did they come up with? How about a

brand-new television!? (Cue game-show music here.) Yep: Ugandan

officials have begun offering a TV, another electrical appliance or

straight-up cash in exchange for premarital chastity — not a bad deal,

really. Of course, we know what you're thinking: What's to keep couples

from simply lying? You know "Uh, yeah — she's a virgin, for sure. Now

where do we pick up that Sony?" Well, according to Ssebunya, they've got

that angle covered. See, they're working on the honor system. "I am

convinced that our young people are fair-minded and will enter into the

spirit of the program." Uh-huh.

Quotes of the Week

"It's disgusting. People come here for traditional Alpine village

atmosphere. You don't have swingers' clubs in Heidi novels."

— Ferdinand Fankhauser, mayor of the Austrian village of

Zellberg, on a group sex and partner-swapping club that opened recently in

the ski village, as quoted by Ananova.com.

"It seems you can't have too much thrusting."

— Monster's Ball director Marc Forster, on the

one-minute cut he made to his movie's sex scene between Halle Berry and

Billy Bob Thornton, as quoted by Reuters.

"Sexual knowledge is sexual knowledge, and one way you learn it is when you

do it. And most people haven't done it as much as I have."

— Porn star Nina Hartley, who has appeared in more than six hundred

adult films. According to an Associated Press report, Hartley has been

invited to speak during adult education class at Temple Beth-Ami in

Newhall, California.

Did we miss any sex in the news? Send the story to tips@nerve.com.