February 22, 2002

War Reparations

First they dropped the bombs. That wasn't so fun for the Afghans. Then came

the food drops — more fun, sure, but still. Not really

fun, exactly. But now — now comes the porn. Okay, now

we're havin' some fun, right fellas?

That's right — according to a Reuters report, the satellite television

industry in Afghanistan has, er, exploded in the months since the

bombs started raining down on the Taliban, with four channels devoted to

nothing but porn. Of course, it's mostly softcore: despite the networks'

names (one's called "100 Percent Hardcore"), the programs consist mainly of

topless women gyrating around poles — you know, Cinemax After

Dark kinda stuff. Still though — you take what you can get,

especially after you haven't gotten anything like it in years. According to

the report, Kandahar men have been huddling around televisions in tea shops,

giggling nervously as they wrap their eyes and imaginations around some of

the first female breasts they've ever seen, outside the ones in their own

family. Of course, if you think that maybe hot lesbian action isn't

exactly why we're fighting this war in the first place, you're not

alone. "This is not good for our society," says a twenty-six-year-old man

who works for an educational foundation. "People should not be watching

such things. It's not right." Maybe not, amigo. So why does it feel

so right?

Yes, Dear

The secret to a successful marriage, as any old couple'll tell ya, is a

husband who listens to his wife. Just not — and really, people, this

part's important — not too much.

Rudrappa Mugalkod is a perfect case in point. Of course, he's new at this,

so it's sort of understandable, but from the sounds of things, the

just-married farmer from the southern Indian village of Kilabanur may have

erred just a bit on the side of obedience to his wife, Satyabhama,

this week. According to the Patrike newspaper, Mrs. Mugalkod told

ol' Rudy to shut his damn mouth after a particularly foul display of

swearing during lovemaking. Apparently, Satyabhama then rolled over and

went to sleep, while Rudrappa proceeded to stitch his lips together

"to show how much I respected her wishes." (Kinda sweet, no?) When

Satyabhama woke up, her drunken husband was huddled in a corner, bleeding

from the mouth and (for obvious reasons) completely unable to explain his

behavior. "It was terrible," says the farmer's wife. "With his mouth sealed

and face swollen he looked like a monkey. I'm beginning to wonder if I have

married some kind of idiot." Yeah well, wonder no more, friend. Wonder no

more.

Hey Baby, Nice Tux

Oh sure, they dress sharp, but penguins ain't the players they would appear

to be. No, despite their fancy get-ups, our flightless feathered friends

are generally quite chaste — totally monogamous, in fact, once they

pick a mate. Well, that is, unless you put 'em in an aquarium full of

hotties — then all hell breaks loose.

Story goes like this: ever since the New York Aquarium started giving newly

laid penguin eggs away to other aquariums, the penguin population has gone

all lopsided, with twenty-two males in the current crop, compared to only

ten females. And now — well, what would you do if you were one

of those lady birds? That's right — according to a report in the New

York Daily News, the female black-footed penguins have begun

sleeping around to an alarming degree: "Some of them share time with

as many as three or four males in a day," as aquarium caretaker Gina Fisher

tells the paper. ("Share time"? Is that what the kids are calling it these

days?) Fisher says one penguin in particular — Gomez is her name

— has strayed completely from her live-in lover of three years,

Giovanni. "She'll approach [male penguins'] nests and they'll

start . . . prancing around and puffing up, showing their interest."

("Interest"? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?) "Then one

thing leads to another . . . " — and quicker than you can say "porn in

Afghanistan," penguin society's in tatters.

And then there's Wendell and Cass, a pair of fifteen-year-old gay

penguins (no kiddin') who've lived together for nearly a decade. "They are

totally devoted to each other," says Fisher. "They never leave each other's

side, and have the neatest nest in the colony." Naturally.

Quotes of the Week

"After the Olympics, I will look for a girlfriend. Until then, the only

thing I'll be caressing is my medal."

— German skier and Olympic silver medalist Ronny Ackermann,

who reportedly went more than a year without sex as part of his training

regimen, as quoted in the German newspaper Bild. Well okay, it's

probably not the only thing he'll be caressing.

"Whoever is responsible would have to be a smooth operator. They would have

to be very, very fast indeed."

— Insurance Times editor Andy Cook, quoted in The

Sun on the apparent trend at London's Lloyds building, where

exhibitionists have been having sex in the glass express elevators, which

move from penthouse to lobby in forty-five seconds. Anyone else guessing

that German skier Ronny Ackermann would seem an ideal candidate?

"It's the same as having sex. Every time is beautiful."

— Austrian skier Andreas Schifferer, on how his first Olympic

medal compared to winning the World Cup downhill crown in 1998.

"I think that if I had not had a previous relationship with a married man,

I don't think the notion of having a relationship with the president would

have been familiar to me."

— Handbag manufacturer Monica Lewinsky, on how the affair she

had in high school with a married teacher affected later decisions. So who

says an education isn't important?

Did we miss any sex in the news? Send the story to tips@nerve.com.