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February 22, 2002
War Reparations
First they dropped the bombs. That wasn't so fun for the Afghans. Then came
the food drops — more fun, sure, but still. Not really
fun, exactly. But now — now comes the porn. Okay, now
we're havin' some fun, right fellas?
That's right — according to a Reuters report, the satellite television
industry in Afghanistan has, er, exploded in the months since the
bombs started raining down on the Taliban, with four channels devoted to
nothing but porn. Of course, it's mostly softcore: despite the networks'
names (one's called "100 Percent Hardcore"), the programs consist mainly of
topless women gyrating around poles — you know, Cinemax After
Dark kinda stuff. Still though — you take what you can get,
especially after you haven't gotten anything like it in years. According to
the report, Kandahar men have been huddling around televisions in tea shops,
giggling nervously as they wrap their eyes and imaginations around some of
the first female breasts they've ever seen, outside the ones in their own
family. Of course, if you think that maybe hot lesbian action isn't
exactly why we're fighting this war in the first place, you're not
alone. "This is not good for our society," says a twenty-six-year-old man
who works for an educational foundation. "People should not be watching
such things. It's not right." Maybe not, amigo. So why does it feel
so right?
Yes, Dear
The secret to a successful marriage, as any old couple'll tell ya, is a
husband who listens to his wife. Just not — and really, people, this
part's important — not too much.
Rudrappa Mugalkod is a perfect case in point. Of course, he's new at this,
so it's sort of understandable, but from the sounds of things, the
just-married farmer from the southern Indian village of Kilabanur may have
erred just a bit on the side of obedience to his wife, Satyabhama,
this week. According to the Patrike newspaper, Mrs. Mugalkod told
ol' Rudy to shut his damn mouth after a particularly foul display of
swearing during lovemaking. Apparently, Satyabhama then rolled over and
went to sleep, while Rudrappa proceeded to stitch his lips together
"to show how much I respected her wishes." (Kinda sweet, no?) When
Satyabhama woke up, her drunken husband was huddled in a corner, bleeding
from the mouth and (for obvious reasons) completely unable to explain his
behavior. "It was terrible," says the farmer's wife. "With his mouth sealed
and face swollen he looked like a monkey. I'm beginning to wonder if I have
married some kind of idiot." Yeah well, wonder no more, friend. Wonder no
more.
Hey Baby, Nice Tux
Oh sure, they dress sharp, but penguins ain't the players they would appear
to be. No, despite their fancy get-ups, our flightless feathered friends
are generally quite chaste — totally monogamous, in fact, once they
pick a mate. Well, that is, unless you put 'em in an aquarium full of
hotties — then all hell breaks loose.
Story goes like this: ever since the New York Aquarium started giving newly
laid penguin eggs away to other aquariums, the penguin population has gone
all lopsided, with twenty-two males in the current crop, compared to only
ten females. And now — well, what would you do if you were one
of those lady birds? That's right — according to a report in the New
York Daily News, the female black-footed penguins have begun
sleeping around to an alarming degree: "Some of them share time with
as many as three or four males in a day," as aquarium caretaker Gina Fisher
tells the paper. ("Share time"? Is that what the kids are calling it these
days?) Fisher says one penguin in particular — Gomez is her name
— has strayed completely from her live-in lover of three years,
Giovanni. "She'll approach [male penguins'] nests and they'll
start . . . prancing around and puffing up, showing their interest."
("Interest"? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?) "Then one
thing leads to another . . . " — and quicker than you can say "porn in
Afghanistan," penguin society's in tatters.
And then there's Wendell and Cass, a pair of fifteen-year-old gay
penguins (no kiddin') who've lived together for nearly a decade. "They are
totally devoted to each other," says Fisher. "They never leave each other's
side, and have the neatest nest in the colony." Naturally.
Quotes of the Week
"After the Olympics, I will look for a girlfriend. Until then, the only
thing I'll be caressing is my medal."
— German skier and Olympic silver medalist Ronny Ackermann,
who reportedly went more than a year without sex as part of his training
regimen, as quoted in the German newspaper Bild. Well okay, it's
probably not the only thing he'll be caressing.
"Whoever is responsible would have to be a smooth operator. They would have
to be very, very fast indeed."
— Insurance Times editor Andy Cook, quoted in The
Sun on the apparent trend at London's Lloyds building, where
exhibitionists have been having sex in the glass express elevators, which
move from penthouse to lobby in forty-five seconds. Anyone else guessing
that German skier Ronny Ackermann would seem an ideal candidate?
"It's the same as having sex. Every time is beautiful."
— Austrian skier Andreas Schifferer, on how his first Olympic
medal compared to winning the World Cup downhill crown in 1998.
"I think that if I had not had a previous relationship with a married man,
I don't think the notion of having a relationship with the president would
have been familiar to me."
— Handbag manufacturer Monica Lewinsky, on how the affair she
had in high school with a married teacher affected later decisions. So who
says an education isn't important?
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©2002 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.
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