This Week in Sex

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This Week in Sex   
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February 23, 2001

Pull My Finger!

Medical science has pulled off some pretty impressive stunts over the years — you remember the guy with the babboon heart? — but this . . . well, this may just win top prize. In what reads like a bizarre lost episode of MacGyver, doctors in Tbilisi, Georgia (that’s the other Georgia, kids) have replaced the amputated penis of a cancer patient with a substitute organ that they fashioned almost exclusively from a human finger. His human finger. And are you ready for this? The damn thing works.


According to the Deutsche Presse Agentur news service, doctors removed the man’s left middle finger (they would have to use the middle finger, wouldn’t they?) and used skin from his other arm to shape and bind it into place — yes, that place. The report says the sawbones turned the finger inside out to create a channel to allow “conventional” urination, and the bone was left in “to provide rigidity when needed.” Twelve days after the December operation, the man, said to be somewhere in his fifties, was reportedly able to pee freely. Through his finger. Of course, that’s not all he can do with the thing: Dr. Ivan Kuzanov, director of the plastic surgery clinic where the seventeen-hour operation took place, reports that the man “is not married, but has two girlfriends who are very satisfied with the results.” Which just goes to show, it ain’t the size of the gun, it’s where you point it.

Is It Cheaper If You Just Use My Finger?

Boy, you dot-com kids out there in San Francisco think you have it sooo good, don’t you? Just because you can wear shorts to work, and you get free all-you-can-stomach Red Bull, and you get to play air hockey and ping pong all day long, you think you’ve got all the perks. Well think again, skater dudes. ‘Cause you know that lady who drives your bus to work every day? She gets something pretty handy herself, if she wants it. She gets a penis.


That’s right: in a move that made employment benefits history, San Francisco announced plans last week to become the first U.S. city to finance sex change operations for municipal workers under its health care program. According to a Reuters report, city employees will be able to claim up to $50,000 of the cost of sex reassignment surgery beginning July 1, assuming all the T’s are crossed and all the I’s are dotted. San Francisco already reportedly has about a dozen transgendered employees on the payroll, and officials figure that as many as thirty-five city employees might take advantage of the new benefit in the first year, costing San Francisco somewhere in the posh neighborhood of $1.75 million. “This is a medically diagnosed condition — gender identity disorder,” said city Supervisor Mark Leno. “One does not enter into this cavalierly. It really is a matter of equal benefits for equal work.” Well, almost equal benefits. The $50,000 outlay will more than cover the cost of male-to-female procedures, which run roughtly $37,000. But the women seeking to become men will have to pony up a little of their own dough to meet the $77,000 fee for their operations. Parts and labor — you know how it goes.

Quotes of the Week

“I met my first wife at school. My second wife was at the same school. She was heartbroken when I
married, and her parents asked me to marry her as well.”

— Eager-to-please Thai polygamist Supat Teeraphapsakulwong. Teera— . . . er, the polygamist lives with his seven wives in their three-story home-slash-meatball-factory just west of Bangkok. Anyone else here smell a sitcom?

“Oh, come on. I’m old enough to be that boy’s . . . lover.”

— Country legend Dolly Parton, answering cat-calls as she presented an award at the Grammys with country hunk Brad Paisley.

“Naked Women Want to Sing for Germany!”

— Headline in the German tabloid Bild after dancers for the female pop act Loverocket announced plans to strip during a televised performance of “Ich Bin Die Kliene Geile Gegen Langeweile” (“I’m the Little Horny One Who’ll Stop You Getting Bored”), the band’s entry for the Eurovision Song Contest.

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©2001 Dan Reines and, Inc.