This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Penis in a Bottle

A Filipino man named George put the cock in Molotov cocktail this week by lopping off his own penis, wrapping it in newspaper and lobbing it through the window of his estranged wife, Evelyn. According to witnesses, George then yelled, “So you will not suspect I am courting another girl,” while covering his bloodied crotch with his hands. An unimpressed Evelyn handed the severed three-incher over to stunned cops, who preserved it in a bottle with the help of an embalmer. Chances of the member being reattached are slim to none, not only because the penis is practically pickled at this point, but also because its distraught owner has been M.I.A. since the incident. George and Evelyn have been estranged for three years, ever since Evelyn’s parents prodded her to live with them because George was jobless and thus incapable of supporting her and their two children. For its part, George’s penis is reportedly delighted to finally be free of that loser.

Gucci Coochie

While we weren’t looking, pubic hair has become the new universal language of self-expression. Frankly, it all seems a little silly. We figure that once someone gets your pants off, he or she should be grateful enough not to care if you’ve taken up pube feng shui. Adam Senn, the male model in Gucci’s new ad, seems to agree. He doesn’t look remotely excited by the bas-relief “G” (ha ha, G-spot, we get it) that fellow model Louise Penderson has carved into her nether regions. He just looks kind of confused and sleepy, possibly drugged. While we can’t see Penderson’s face, we assume she looks drugged as well, as no one would agree to something so obnoxious while sober or, for that matter, conscious. Maybe we’d be more well disposed if this were some revolutionary upstart young designer trying to push some buttons. But Gucci? Sorority chicks at Rutgers carry Gucci bags. Do you need to be told that modeling your pubic hair after the mini-backpack of a sorority chick from New Jersey is NOT a good idea?

Cold Teat

Imagine you’re a law-abiding homeowner in Kent, Ohio. You look out your window one day and notice that a neighbor has committed a crime against humanity by building a zaftig snow-woman with two heaving breasts. What do you do? What can you do? Should you call the police? It may seem a bit reactionary, but really, how can you go about your daily routine with those ethereal orbs taunting you, calling to you with their siren song? The only way to keep your virtue is to have the snowy strumpet maimed. Such was almost the fate of homemaker Crystal Lynn’s curvy creation, which was reported to Kent police as an “indecent snow figure.” Asked to cut off the figure’s breasts, which would have taught the icy Jezebel a lesson not soon forgotten, Crystal refused, agreeing only to cover the snow tits with a tablecloth. Oddly, no one has complained about the gigantic dildo emerging from the snow-woman’s vagina.

War Relief

Right now, thousands of highly trained personnel are moving across godforsaken lands to spring into action and make the world a better place. No, we’re not talking about the allied bully-boys poised to unleash some whoop-ass on Iraq, but rather the armies of prostitutes that wily Bulgarian pimps are deploying to cash in on the arrival of U.S. troops. In the north Bulgarian town of Rousse, more than four busloads of women have already set out for the southeastern city of Bourgas, where U.S. troops may be based in the event of an attack on Iraq. Consider the war room: Pink fedora-wearing Slavs pushing chips representing battalions of hookers across a 20-by-30-foot relief map of the region. One pimp was reported as saying that the soldiers would receive “a worthy welcome.” He then clarified: “By which I mean that they will be freaked wild until the break of dawn. “

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