March 2, 2001
For years, Utah held a reputation as a sort of antiTimes Square, the kind of place where dirty thoughts go to die (or at least to be buried alive, very deep within the brain). But then Rudy Giuliani blew threw New York, and Times Square became, well, just plain square, and all those dirty thoughts floating around had to end up somewhere, right? Still, as recently as a month ago, when the Beehive State named forty-year-old virgin Paula Houston to be the United States’ first-ever Porn Czar, we scoffed at the very idea that there might be anything truly smutty out there in Mormon country, and we figured Houston would just spend all her time “researching” the stuff, as forty-year-old virgins are wont to do. But now comes news that has us thinking, Hey, Paula might just have her work cut out for her.
According to a report from ABCNews.com, the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals this week denied a temporary injunction sought by Mattel, Inc. to stop Utah artist Tom Forsythe from selling dirty photos of the toymaker’s top-selling Barbie. That’s right, Forsythe had been snapping photos of the four-decade-old busty blonde (Barbie, not Paula) in a series of compromising positions, ostensibly as a statement about the doll’s “gender-oppressive values.” The photos depict hundreds of naked Barbies alongside household appliances “posed in sexual or startling manners,” according to the report, and the notoriosly litigation-happy Mattel wanted the artist to hand over all negatives of his work to be destroyed. But the attempt was denied and, for the moment, Forsythe is free to legally continue his art in Utah, where, it appears, naked sex Barbie photos fit right in with the emerging porn culture.
Good Advice, Bad Advisor
Cynics will no doubt mock the high priest arrested this week by the Malaysian government. They’ll call him a fraud and a cheat and a pseudo-religious charlatan, and look, maybe he is. But if you ask us, the guy gets points for trying.
According to Ananova.com, the unnamed Malaysian holy man mentioned he knew how to improve the luck of unmarried women seeking husbands. Naturally, he was visited immediately by about forty such bachelorettes, whom he told to sunbathe naked on a mountaintop in Johor. According to the report, the priest then proceded to “treat” some of the naked women (and your guess as to what that means is every bit as good as ours), for which he was arrested and charged with indulging in deviant teachings, a crime which carries a fine of less than a thousand dollars but could mean jail time if he’s convicted.
Charles in Drag
So you can imagine how pleasantly surprised we were to find out that UPN home of WWF Smackdown! for crying out loud has green-lighted the pilot for a family sitcom in the wholesome tradition of Full House, Family Matters and, of course, The Nanny. In fact, the network’s newest offering, which could be gracing televisions as soon as this fall if it gets picked up, strongly resembles that last example, centered as it is on a caretaker for three young kids “a fledgling entertainer who takes a role as a nanny to make ends meet and becomes the most down-to-earth character in a rather dysfunctional family,” according to the New York Post. Not that Fran Drescher is involved in any way actually, the star of this vehicle is a man; RuPaul, to be exact. The show, which has yet to be produced, is tentatively titled The Tranny. To answer your question: yes, we’re serious.
Quotes of the Week
“It weirds me out that, years ago, I put my mom’s nipple in my mouth, you know, when I was about three months old. I still can’t make eye contact with her.”