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Weekend Review
Quote of the Week

“That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have been happy to be married to several friends I had of the same sex. It just never came up in our particular relations.”

— Walter Cronkite, discussing his own sixty-three-year marriage and the same-sex marriage controversy

Image of the Week

This week, an ad for Elle Macpherson’s lingerie line ran afoul of the British Advertising Standards Authority, which banned it because the model appears to be masturbating.

Stupid Sex Studies, Continued

The best way to not have bad sex is to have good sex. Okay. Following so far? German shrink Dr. Michael Mary takes this principle and runs pretty far with it. He believes that good sex in long-term relationships is infeasible and that the best way to jump-start a dull sex life is to cheat. Dr. Mary, who recently published the book Five Lies Concerning Love and is apparently not affiliated with any research institution (a little troubling, because how hard can it be to get hooked up with one of those 1-800-number colleges), explains that his
years as a therapist have taught him that “it is better to accept the
discrepancy between sexual desire and long-term love.”

Although there’s logic to Dr. Mary’s claim – whether it’s good or not, you’re certainly not going to have the same kind of sex on your tenth anniversary as you did after a month – his proposed solution is a bit puzzling. Considering the high proportion of people who have no clue what they’re doing in bed, anyone you choose to cheat with is statistically likely to disappoint, and then you’re just having bad sex twice. Something to consider. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Newswire

Hundreds of women expose breasts in protest.

Flasher tripped by dropped trousers.

Paramedic fired for “honking dead woman’s breast.”

Japanese scientists herald yet another breakthrough in underwear technology.

Law and Oral

TWR has a new defense lined up for the next time we have a run-in with the law: But officer, we couldn’t have committed that crime; we were too busy giving head. Now, we must bestow credit where credit is due: Heather Specyalski used it first. The thirty-three year old, who was charged with second-degree manslaughter in a 1999 Connecticut car crash that killed businessman Neil Esposito, says she couldn’t have been behind the wheel because she was
fellating Esposito at the time of the accident.

Still, prosecutors insist that not only was she driving Esposito’s Mercedes
convertible when it veered off the road and hit several trees, but also that
her defense is seriously flawed. “His pants could have been down because he
was mooning a car he was drag racing,” said Assistant State’s Attorney
Maureen Platt. “His pants could have been down because he was urinating out
of a window. His pants could have been down because he wasn’t feeling well.”
All right. His pants could have down for myriad reasons. TWR gets that. But
hasn’t anyone on either side of this legal battle ever read, or at least
seen, The World According to Garp? Apparently not, otherwise they’d
already have asked the coroner to check for bite marks, and the trial would be
over. Maybe we’re in the wrong business. — Tobin Levy

Female Trouble

After eight years of tests involving 3,000 women and God only knows how many pelvic probes, Pfizer Inc. announced late last week that it is
abandoning efforts to prove that Viagra improves sexual function in women. The problem, Pfizer researchers found, is that women and men have a fundamentally different relationship between arousal and desire. Yes, a whole bunch of sex researchers, cardiologists and
urologists were utterly perplexed to discover that just because a woman is physically aroused doesn’t mean she’s willing to have sex.

“There’s a disconnect in many women between genital changes and mental
changes,” explained Dr. (let us clarify, Mr.) Mitra Boolel, leader of
Pfizer’s sex research team. “This disconnect does not exist in men. Men
consistently get erections in the presence of naked women and want to have
sex. With women, things depend on myriad of factors.” Apparently unable to
comprehend that the flaw could be the pill (which was made specifically for
men) or the partner, Boolel and his team are
continuing their research, but changing their focus from a woman’s genitals to her brain, “the crucial sexual organ in women.”

Call us crazy, but TWR thinks Dr. Boolel is being just a tad reductive in
his approach to female sexuality. Either that, or trying to make himself
feel a helluva whole lot better about hearing the not-tonight-I’ve-got-a-headache thing one too many times. — Tobin Levy

The Rise of the Revolution

Politics and condoms do not generally go hand in hand, except where condom distribution is concerned, and then it’s usually a campaign started by some mother who’s worried her kids are going to fuck rampantly in the woods behind the metal refinery if they have access to protection from STDs and pregnancy. But we digress. This week TWR presents a different sort of condom politics: we have received reports that rights organizations in Zimbabwe are distributing condoms adorned with political slogans.

At first we assumed that the message written on the condoms, which read, “get up, stand up,” was meant as a Viagra-like inspiration for the male citizens of Zimbabwe, but then we remembered Bob Marley — may he continue to inspire generations of high-school pot smokers — and realized the words were intended to mobilize Zimbabweans against the regime of President Robert Mugabe.

A Western diplomat put it best: “It’s a weird mind that sees the condom program as a way of overthrowing Mugabe.” Although TWR doesn’t know if the revolutionary devices sparked any insurrection, statistics indicate that U.S. condom-distribution efforts have helped increase condom usage in Zimbabwe to about 100 million a year. Whatever works, right? — Sarah G. Harrison

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