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Sex Wars

Last Monday thousands of actresses worldwide participated in readings of the ancient Greek play Lysistrata as a protest against the impending war with Iraq. As you no doubt recall, Aristophanes’ almost 2,500-year-old play depicts a group of Greek women who go on a sex strike in a bid to tame their warmongering husbands. Eventually the men cave in &#151 or come around — and agree to a truce. Danish participants in the reading are taking the idea seriously, encouraging women to wear chastity belts if their men insist on beating the war drums. Said Danish theatre director Rhea Leman, “Basically we are saying, ‘No Peace, No Sex.'” In response, pro-war women’s groups say they intend to organize an international reading of Porky’s Revenge.

Looking for Vaginas in All the Wrong Places

There have been countless theories as to what Stonehenge, the almost 5,000-year-old rock monument in southwestern England, actually is. Some suggest it’s a celestial map, a sacrificial altar or a gateway to other dimensions. Others insist it’s the work of aliens. Now retired gynecologist Anthony Perks has come up with the definitive answer: Stonehenge is a vagina. Perks, co-author of a paper on the topic in the current issue of the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine, first made the connection after noticing that some of the monument’s stones were much smoother than others. Recalling that estrogen causes a woman’s skin to be smoother than a man’s, Perks began to analyze Stonehenge in anatomical terms. The labia majora could be represented by the outer stone circle, with the inner circle serving as the labia minora. The altar stone could, in turn, be the clitoris and the empty geometric center outlined by bluestones, the birth canal. In the next issue of the Journal, Perks intends to lay out his theory that the Washington Monument is actually a giant penis. Oh, wait…

Bum Scare

This week a Russian man called in a bomb threat to an Ulyanovsk spa, hoping to see naked women running for their lives. Recognizing that the bomb threat probably wasn’t real — spas in mid-sized, central Russian cities tend not to be prime terrorist targets — the women took their sweet time getting dressed before stepping out into below-freezing temperatures. The caller was arrested and faces up to three years in jail. As original a bomb threat as that was, the top prize still goes to the teacher who called in a threat to his school last week because he wanted a day off. TWIS respects the audacity of these men, but thinks phones should be used for meaningful ends, like prank calling barbershops and asking if they cut pubic hair.

G.I. Johns

Last week we told you about the military-style operation launched by Bulgarian pimps: they’re moving thousands of prostitutes across the country to provide support for U.S. troops. This week, Romanian police have launched a military-style operation to keep prostitutes away from the 5,000 U.S. troops based in the city of Constana. Fearing the spread of syphilis and other sexually transmitted diseases, Constana’s officers are running round-the-clock patrols and raiding brothels to stop the prostitutes from spanking the Yanks’ planks. A high-ranking U.S. military official has suggested that if the troops don’t have an option to satisfy the urge, they’ll be left with a nagging pain in the Balkans.

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