This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Quote of the Week

“We employ Muslim women refugees, use unionized factories, run a fair trade project in Brazil and our wooden dildos are made from naturally felled

— British entrepreneur Sam Roddick on her ethical sex shop, Metro

Photo of the Week

Perhaps upset that the “freedom fries” campaign didn’t dissuade France from threatening to use its UN veto power, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld steps up the rhetoric against French president Jacques Chirac.

What’s in a Name…

New impotence drugs have been hitting the street faster than Anna Nicole Smith after a fistful of Vicodin. A month ago, the Eli Lilly Co. released Cialis in Europe; the company was promptly sued by a Mr. Albert Cialis, who didn’t appreciate the association. The latest example of unfortunate cock-pill coinage comes from the good folks at Bayer, who are releasing a new drug in Britain next Tuesday. It’s called Levitra. As in “levitate.” As in what it makes your penis do. Kind of makes TWIS yearn for the days when drug names — like cocktail dresses and Ben Affleck’s acting ability — would leave something to the imagination. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Celebrity Sexposé #1

“It was definitely a real guy-fantasy thing. I think it is just part of experimenting. I was kind of drunk at the time. And I don’t think the girl was a real lesbian. I’m being honest.”

— British pop star Geri Halliwell, a.k.a. Publicity Spice, on The Howard Stern Show. She confessed that she’s had one same-sex encounter but, unlike Tony Blair, wasn’t a slave to bush.

If You Suck Dick, the Terrorists Have Truly Won

Call us jaded, but we thought that the fellatio story coming from Kennedy Middle School in Michigan was old news. (A girl went down on a boy in science class, kids these days, tsk tsk, etc.) Apparently we were unaware of the staggering international implications of this particular blowjob. After the incident, the school district sent a letter to parents which read, “Just like our country was shocked into awareness when, never-before acts of terrorism occurred in New York City, our district was shocked into awareness when middle-school students engaged in indecent acts in the classroom.” While TWIS believes that the letter’s inexcusable comma splicing and unconventional syntax (“never-before acts”?) are the real crimes here, we can’t help thinking that if hordes of terrorists descended on the United States with nothing but oral sex on their minds, that wouldn’t be such a bad thing, now would it? Further proof that Michigan is an alternate universe: the letter came to light when the fellated boy’s parents filed a lawsuit against the school district, claiming their son had been victimized. — CHW

Celebrity Sexposé #2

“I refuse to be boxed into the idea that, ‘Oh, no, I can’t have kids ’cause I’m gay.’ I can have kids if I’m gay. And I can also get married and have a fantastic life. To all questions with my marriage, the answer to everything is yes. Do I have sex with my wife? Yes. Is it a real marriage? Yes. Am I gay? Yes.”

— Director Stephen Daldry (The Hours) — who self-identifies as gay but is married to a woman — on having his cake and eating it too.

News Quiz!

This week it was reported that William Shatner”s ex-wife is suing the Star Trek star over what item?

a. A photo of her giving head

b. A photo of her giving head to Leonard Nimoy

c. Camel testicles

d. Horse semen

Scroll down for answer.

Pluto’s Retreat

Eating, sleeping, effortless auto-fellatio: why do people say “It’s a dog’s life” like it’s a bad thing? Well, things are looking even better for privileged pooches in Berlin, where a German artist has announced he plans to open the world’s first brothel for dogs. Karl-Friedrich Lentze, fifty-four, claims that dogs have been unfairly prevented from exercising their God-given right to pay for sex. Lentze says that admission to his canine flophouse will cost $30 — in human tender — and that his own Jack Russell terrier mix will serve as a bouncer to discourage unwanted guests. “Of course, we’ll be happy to receive female and gay dogs, too. It’s a democratic thing,” Lentze told speechless reporters. “This is a form of satire that criticizes society,” he said. “I used to paint and create sculptures. This is just the next step.” Before you take another, better check your heel, ’cause something smells funny here. — Grant Stoddard

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Answer to News Quiz: c

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