This Week in Sex

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March 15, 2002

Educator Aims to Crush Fourth Grade Porn Ring

We’ve all heard senior citizens prattle on about growing up before the advent of TV and video games, hoping to learn us young’uns a thing or two about the lost art of reading a good book. The curmudgeonly oldsters speak of a long-vanished brand of literary resourcefulness that would have MacGyver rubbing his eyes with disbelief. That’s why it’s so heartwarming to be able to report that the tradition of knowing the Dewey Decimal system is still revered in middle America.


Up until this week, the scholarly young boys of Banting Elementary School in Waukesha, Wisconsin, were spending all their time perusing the stacks of the school library. Until authorities discovered what titillating material the urchins had got ahold of.


The porn surrogate was the 2001 edition of The Guinness Book of World Records. Among the most dog-eared entries were “World’s most downloaded woman” and “World’s most expensive bra.”


Banting Elementary School teacher Mel Culver has asked the district to remove copies of the 2001 Guinness Book, as well as the 2000 and 2002 editions with similar pictures, from the libraries of all 17 district elementary schools. In a complaint filed with the district, Culver wrote, “These pictures obviously are not enhancing their education, nor are they enhancing the way they look at girls.”


A formal hearing has been arranged for next week to discuss whether the GWR can stay in schools. Amid rumors of further smut crackdowns, copies of National Geographic and the Sears catalog are disappearing in record numbers.

Getting Down (Under)

In the United States, the standard procedure for a politician accused of being involved in a sex scandal is to vehemently deny it: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” After months of press frenzy, he will allude to some involvement, while taking great care not to contradict his first statement: “I did indeed have a relationship that was not appropriate.” Only after several more months will he come to terms with what (or who) went down, and then beg forgiveness from anyone who still gives a shit.


In Australia, however, a politician in the same situation fesses up immediately, describes what happened in some detail and is surprised that it’s even an issue. Andrew Kilvert, who finished his stint as a government media adviser on Friday, celebrated by having sex in the speaker’s chair of the parliament building. “We’d been down the boozer [pub] and wandered in and just sort of had sex,” said Mr. Kilvert. “She delivered a beautiful soliloquy as she lay on the speaker’s table, about democracy and freedom of expression. It was really quite a good speech.”


This comes as no surprise to sex-industry spokesman Robbie Swan, who claims that parliamentary buildings across the nation are being used for couples to engage in sexual activities. Swan told reporters, “There’s 7,000 people working in the parliament house here when it gets going. Some of them will have sex on the job — it’s just part of what you do.”


Mr. Kilvert would not name his sex partner because he “does not kiss and tell.” Take note, Slick Willie, there’s a real gent. That’s the shrimp-on-the-barbie mentality for you, and frankly, I think it’s the way forward.

Hollywood Going Hardcore?

In 1990, who could have predicted how the decade would end up: the impact of the Internet, the collapse of the Soviet Union, paying seven bucks for a pack of smokes? A few did and were quickly branded “crackpots” and “kooks.” There’s a lesson about giving loonies the benefit of the doubt. I therefore think that when a certified nut-job throws in his two cents about the state of the world, ten years hence, we’re obliged to sit up and take notice.


John Waters, a.k.a. “the Pope of trash,” gazed in to his crystal ball recently, and saw moviegoers of 2010 gazing at balls themselves. Waters predicts that by the end of the decade we’ll see a major Hollywood star having explicit penetrative sex in a movie.


Waters, famous for his odes to lowbrow culture such as Pink Flamingos, Hairspray and Serial Mom, told the Independent Film Channel that Hollywood films will soon feature explicit sexuality and cited Intimacy and Fat Girl as two recent films that have pushed the boundaries. “Both were foreign films, but it will be here next . . .I promise you.”


I suppose the real question is, who’d go first? I bet it’ll be Ewan McGregor, standing proud for Scotland and projected onto a 3-story screen. He showed it all in The Pillow Book and he’s been gingerly holding his light saber since he met George Lucas.

Quotes of the Week

“Actual penetrative intercourse with a robot would be painful, I imagine.”

— Celebrity DJ Moby on his night of simulated sex with a robot.

“I have got to tell you that I’m very skeptical that there is any program that has been devised at the moment, that will help him.”

— British Judge Michael Mettyear, at the hearing of a man charged with having sexual intercourse with a goat.

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©2002 Grant Stoddard and, Inc.