March 16, 2001
Solid Advice from a Man with Furry Green Balls
So often we look to our sports heroes for direction, for some guidance toward success in this world. And so often too often they lead us astray, down the road to drug abuse, petty crime and self-destruction. And then there’s Bjorn Borg. If we’re to glean anything from a full-page ad he took out last week in Stockholm’s largest business daily, the Swedish tennis legend apparently wants to lead us down the hall, past the bathroom and straight into the bedroom.
According to a Reuters report, the five-time Wimbledon champ placed the ad in an effort to get Europeans to be a little more, uh, procreative than they have been in recent years. The reason? With rising life expectancy, the forty-four-year-old Borg figures that pretty soon, there won’t be enough young folks left to finance all those impending pensions. And so, Borg urges in the English-language ad, Europeans need to “Fuck for the future!” Beneath a photograph of a group of midwives, the ad reads, “We have a bit of a delicate problem here in the Western world: there aren’t enough babies being born . . . Luckily there is a simple solution that is both enjoyable and relaxing: the Swedish model. An intimate form of socializing that, if done properly, will keep midwives laboring all over Europe. So the humble advice from Bjorn Borg is quite simply: Get to it!” At press time, no Swedish models were available for comment. Or, for that matter, intimate socializing.
Woody Allen once claimed that the worst orgasm he’d ever had was still “right on the money,” and frankly, there aren’t a whole lot of folks who’d disagree with that sentiment. But William Stowell of New York doesn’t quite see it that way. And so naturally, Stowell’s taking his beef to the courts. Quite literally.
The aggrieved Mr. Stowell is upset because, he says, he misses his foreskin. According to ABCNews.com, the nineteen-year-young Stowell has a healthy sex life, with plenty of satisfied partners. Problem is, they’re not that satisfied, and he apparently is not satisfied at all, claiming that circumcision has robbed him of “the pleasure of natural, normal sexual intercourse,” though millions of fellas might disagree. And so Stowell is suing Good Samaritan Hospital in West Islip, New York the hospital where he was born for performing a circumcision on him without his consent. Of course, Stowell was a newborn at the time, so his consent would have been difficult to extract, but Stowell’s attorney, David Llwellyn, claims that the plaintiff’s mother was under the influence of post-Cesarian painkillers when she agreed to the procedure, and now she wishes she’d never done so. Though it’s not disclosed what kind of damages Stowell is seeking from the hospital, Llwellyn has reportedly won settlements in similar cases for as much as $65,000.
Hey, You Can’t Catch Everything
Everyone knows our teachers are overworked and woefully underpaid, and yet they’re far too often blamed for every little thing that goes wrong with our nation’s children. So it’s a shame, really, to hear about the unfortunate case of Debbie Noonan, a teacher at North Bergen High School in North Bergen, New Jersey.
According to the Jersey Journal of Jersey City, Noonan is being persecuted simply because a few kids in her no-doubt overcrowded classroom engaged in a little innocent tomfoolery while she graded papers. So what if the kids nine of ’em, to be exact were playing a particularly advanced form of Truth or Dare in the back of the class?! And who cares if that game involved one fourteen-year-old girl allowing two of her classmates to fondle and kiss her breasts on a dare?! Really now, does it hurt anyone that the same girl, on another dare, performed oral sex on another male student, all during class?! Honestly can we really expect poor Ms. Noonan to know everything that goes on in her room?
The teacher has been suspended from her job pending probable disciplinary action
Quotes of the Week
“I’ve requested that [Nickelodeon] air both versions, edited and unedited, because sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don’t.”