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Weekend Review
Quote of the Week

“I love Johnny Cash . . . but I don’t want to fuck him.”

— Gay porn star Jeff Stryker, who’s recording an album of country songs with titles like “Pop You in Your Pooper.”

Picture of the Week

UN weapons inspector Mohammad Al-Baradei introduces fellow inspector Hans Blix to the Executive Vibro-Matic 5000, the portable sex toy for the diplomat who needs to take a little more time

Germans: Too Busy Having Freaky Sex to Bother With War

Whenever you read a story in this column, there’s a better-than-fair chance it involves Germany. We don’t mind this. Whether it’s tales of dog brothels, consensual gay cannibalism or poo porn, we’re always ready to use the word “lederhosen” out of context and have ourselves a good laugh. So, frankly, when this whole Iraq thing blew up and Germany reinvented itself as the patchouli-stinkin’ peacenik of Europe, we were worried. Would the German citizenry be too busy protesting American hegemony to involve themselves in bizarre sexploits? Ask a stupid question . . . This week, a forty-year-old man redeemed Deutschland’s rep by making love to a household appliance. Specifically: the man called authorities after his privates got stuck in the suction tube of a vacuum cleaner. Police spokesman Frank Plewka said the caller claimed the incident happened “for reasons unknown to himself.” Naturally. Police officers and a female medic went to the man’s apartment and managed to free him; he was taken to the hospital for snide observation. — Grant Stoddard

Well, Dad, “Michael J. Cox” Was Already Taken

“My first reaction was, ‘What name are you going to use?’ He says he’s going to use his name, and I said, ‘Wait a minute. That’s my name. I had it first.”‘

– Comedian Dick Smothers Sr., on his son Dick Jr.’s decision to launch a career in porn.

The Schnook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover

If Macbeth were set in contemporary China, it might read something like this. In the Jiangsu province, a jilted boyfriend named Jia Jipeng tainted a package of aphrodesiac capsules with rat poison and mailed them anonymously to his ex-girlfriend’s new lover. However, a hapless neighbor stole the package, swallowed the drugs and died almost immediately. Jia was then sentenced to death for the man’s murder. (Talk about instant karma. In one fell swoop, the happy couple not only got rid of a creepy and homicidal ex-boyfriend, but a sticky-fingered neighbor too — all with one bottle of powdered-tiger-penis pills.) It all raises one question: doesn’t anyone just replace shampoo with Nair anymore? — Grant Stoddard

He Lives!

— entry in Saddam Hussein Photoshop contest

Details Covers Celebrity Cock

“They’re insisting that they be identified only as ‘someone close to the star’ or ‘a well-placed Hollywood insider,’ so it doesn’t look like they’re trying to plant this information.”

— A Details magazine writer who’s been barraged by phone calls from publicists eager to place their clients in a story about Hollywood’s most-endowed men.

News Quiz

This week, the Tennessee state Senate voted unanimously to ban X-rated videos from _____ if the movies can be seen from the street.

a) living rooms

b) bars

c) cars

d) front yards

Answer below.

Touch Tone

Evil terrorists plotting apocalyptic strikes from their underground lairs. Ruthless genocidal dictators employing a small army of body doubles. Ever think we wouldn’t be living in a James Bond movie if things had gone a little differently in Florida in 2000? As we’ve seen time and time again, that state is a haven for screwy phenomena — and we’re not talking about El Niño. This week, a Florida phone-sex operator won a workers’ compensation settlement after claiming she hurt herself masturbating at work. The forty-year-old employee of Fort Lauderdale’s CFP Enterprises Inc, said she developed carpal tunnel syndrome — also known as repetitive motion injury — in both hands from masturbating up to seven times a day while speaking with callers. “She was told to do whatever it takes to keep the person on the phone as long as possible,” said the woman’s amusingly named attorney, Steven Slootsky. Apparently, the woman used one hand to answer the telephone and the other to paddle the pink canoe; her self-diagnosis was “repetitive use of the phone.” Slootsky said his client agreed to a “minimal settlement” earlier this month: weekly benefits of $267 and reimbursement of $30,000 in medical bills. The attorney also revealed that his client was too embarrassed to tell her doctor the real cause of her injury — despite having no qualms about saying things like “You like that, big boy, don’tcha, huh?” countless times a day. — Grant Stoddard

Answer to News Quiz: C

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