March 22, 2002
Until this week, Lorena Bobbitt was the undisputed queen of payback, vis-à-vis genital dismemberment. Her cheatin’ husband, John Wayne Bobbitt, was separated from his knob for two soul-searching hours before it was reattached.
Now I’m sure the time Bobbitt spent without his beloved must have seemed like an eternity, but ultimately he swaggered from his hospital bed and into the California sunshine with the world at his . . . er . . . feet; his put-upon bride had unwittingly presented him with a plethora of lucrative career options, most notably starring roles in Frankenpenis and John Wayne Bobbit-Uncut!
Last Sunday, the torch was passed to Ugandan Annet Minduru. After being slapped by husband John Ndekeezi, Minduru bit off his entire penis and both of his testicles. Yikes! Minduru is in police custody in the capital, Kampala, and could be charged with causing grievous bodily harm.
Now, I’m no expert on Ugandan judicial practices, but I’m fairly certain that the chances of Annet receiving the empathetic treatment extended to Lorena are relatively slim. Although Minduru’s account of events was not immediately available, Ndekeezi was quoted as saying (presumably through gritted teeth), “I was so drunk she overpowered me, and by the time my neighbor came to my rescue, she had bitten off both my testicles and the penis.”
The incident comes just weeks after a report revealed high levels of domestic violence against women in some parts of Uganda.
Details as to whether Ndekeezi has been surgically reunited with his twig-and-berries are sketchy. If the boys are indeed back in the barracks, and Ndekeezi follows Bobbit’s lead, he can look forward to being a C-list celebrity in his homeland for weeks to come.
A Giant Leap For Womankind
Men, our days are numbered. It appears that our time on Earth is drawing to a close.
That’s right! The same people who put man in space and on the moon have decided to terminate the agreement. Arguing that sending humans on generations-long, deep-space missions probably means a one-way trip for those aboard, NASA egghead Geoffrey A. Landis has suggested sending crews consisting solely of women to conserve weight, and replacing men with frozen sperm to enable reproduction.
Now it’s one thing for a two-bit stand-up to boil us down to our lovin’ spoonful, but the sentiment seems to take on a much more sinister resonance when coming from the government. All’s not lost, though. If there are going to be colonies, there are going to be lawns. And you could drive a truck under the alien spiders I’ve seen.
Fox In Sox Rocks While Cocks in Box Shocks!
Spanish film director Juanma Bajo Ulloa would be a great guy to have organize a bachelor party. While lesser men would be content with throwing together a kegger, Bajo Ulloa would pull out all the stops to ensure the evening was exciting, surprising, thought-provoking and most importantly, dignified.
It was Ulloa’s interpretation of “dignity” that landed him and the Seventh International Comic Fair, recently held in the southern Spanish city of Granada, in a whole mess o’ trouble with local officials. As the fair’s organizer, Bajo Ulloa sought to liven things up by paying two actors to perform a live sex act on stage. During the awards ceremony, a group of armed actors dressed as Taliban fighters stormed the stage, led by an Osama Bin Laden lookalike. Accompanied by a group of burka-clad women, they burned pictures of local icons, the Virgin Mary and poet Federico Garcia Lorca in front of shocked local dignitaries. One of the women then cast off her burka, stripped and began performing what Granada’s Ideal newspaper described as “an oral act” on one of the men. The couple then progressed to full sex. As the screwing continued, Taliban characters sang Spanish pop songs while awards were handed out.
The fair usually honors European comic book stalwarts like Asterix and Tin Tin.To put these shenanigans into context, imagine this scene at a Garfield or Dr. Seuss convention.
Bajo Ulloa claimed the carnal free-for-all added “dignity” to an otherwise boring prize ceremony. The fair’s director, Alejandro Casasola, defended him, saying “Comics are about provoking, transgressing and breaking rules.”
Well, that certainly comes as a shock to readers of the funnies in the U.S., who are now left asking, “Is provoking the bourgeoisie Ms. Guisewite’s motive as she pens another hilarious and transgressive episode of Cathy?”
Quotes of the Week
“We are personally and profoundly afflicted by the sins of some of our brothers.”
Pope John Paul II, breaking his silence on the recent wave of sex scandals involving Catholic priests.
Pleathery pop person George Michael, claiming his 1998 arrest for lewd conduct in a Los Angeles park toilet was intentional.