The Weekend Review

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Weekend Review
Quotes of the Week

“It’s a beautiful, beautiful story, it’s a gorgeous script and God, Jake’s cute.”

— Heath Ledger on the new Ang Lee movie Brokeback Mountain, in which he has a gay love scene with Jake Gyllenhaal.

“The sex was boring. I found it was all talk and no action. Or, as I like to say: big hat and no cattle.”

— QOTW perennnial Pamela Anderson on her most shocking discovery about Hollywood.

“I can’t tell Mr. 50 Cent not to say the F-word. I don’t have any control of what an artist is going to do onstage. They’re talking to the audience.”

— Concert promoter Dave Hundley, in response to a Florida city’s plan to fine promoters for a performer’s use of profanity.

“I’m a sexaholic. I’m addicted to sex. But I’m not a sex freak.”
— Usher

Image of the Week, Redux

Courtney Love breast suckler speaks: “All I wanted was some chicken nuggets.”

Stealth Legislation of the Week

TWR is going to come right out and say it: we support a woman’s right to choose. So we think it’s important for everyone to know that on Thursday, the Senate passed the Unborn Victims of Violence Act. The House has already passed the bill, and President Bush is expected to sign it into law. Under the proposed legislation, if you harm a fetus while committing a federal crime, you will be charged with two separate offenses: one against the mother and one against the fetus. TWR want to protect babies — and baby’s mamas — but we’re concerned about what the new bill means for abortion rights.

Those who support the new law say no, this has nothing to do with abortion, and in fact, the bill contains a clause that says the legislation doesn’t apply to abortion. So why are pro-choice activists alarmed? Because the bill says that it is a crime to harm “a member of the species homo sapiens, at any stage of development, who is carried in the womb.” So let’s think about this for a second: The bill makes it a crime to kill an unborn fetus and it recognizes the fetus as a person. Sounds like it could apply to abortion, no? A similar, more abortion-rights-friendly bill was voted down in the Senate 50-49. That law would have made a crime of killing a fetus, but stopped short of defining the fetus as a human being. Pro-choicers see the new bill as the first step in the erosion of hard-won abortion rights. “Instead of passing a consensus bill to punish criminals for their horrific acts, the President’s allies are taking advantage of this issue to further their campaign,” said Kate Michelman, president of NARAL Pro-Choice America. Chilling. — Sarah G. Harrison


Judge approves naked karaoke.

Bank of Scotland apologizes for funding Asian Babes, The Best of Real Wives and Big Ones International.

Germans have sex 120 times per year, according to annual Durex Condoms survey. (Americans average 118 times a year.)

Student sells, loses virginity to pay college loans.

Flasher arrested, claims he was adjusting prosthetic leg.

Where the Beer Girls Go

We’ve never been in a beer commercial for a few reasons: We prefer whiskey, and no one ever asked. So we wrongfully assumed that a beer girl wouldn’t make a big fuss about her image. Kitana Baker, Playboy centerfold, lingerie model, and star of the Miller Lite “Catfight Girls” commercial (in which two girls strip, then go at each other in a vat of mud, shrieking things like “Tastes great!” “Less Filling!”) is suing Backyard Wrestling Inc. for ruining her reputation.

Baker said she agreed to perform in a “Playboy-style” striptease for a Backyard Wrestling Babes video but claims that BWI tricked her into signing an open-ended talent release; the company later used her image to promote hardcore products. Baker claims her reputation is
in peril. You know, a lot of people suffer because they failed to read the
fine print before signing something, but we don’t think fine print is the
issue here.

Again: Backyard Wrestling Inc.

Once more: Backyard Wrestling Inc. — Carrie Hill Wilner

A Man Needs a Maid

An after-school class in Mexico City is training wealthy young girls how to be good wives. The curriculum includes lessons in cooking, sewing, ironing, dressing, folding napkins, serving a formal dinner and timing head-in-the-oven suicide so that your husband will come home to find a charming, unbloated corpse.

“Working an eight-hour day is just impossible when one is a
wife and mother,” says instructor Tota Topete. “It means neglecting one’s husband, and that means he could start looking elsewhere [ed. — to Backyard Wrestling, perhaps?] for affection, and that could mean divorce.”

Inspired by Topete — and in total agreement that a girl will never find a husband if she can’t sew — TWR has developed a wifely-duties curriculum of our own. It’s a Saturday class at the 92nd Street Y. The schedule follows.

9 – 10 a.m.: How to rock back and forth while drinking a tumbler of vodka (which has fewer calories than beer).

11 a.m. – noon: How to “stay positive” when you call friends
who realize none of them are home because they have jobs.

Noon- 1 p.m.: Break for a low-cal lunch and brief lecture on why it’s important to stay thin and pretty.

1:30 – 2:30 p.m.: How to determine whether you’re a Days of our Lives gal or more of an As the World Turns woman. It’s trickier than you’d think!

2:30 – 3:30 p.m.: How to decide which silk tie your husband doesn’t need anymore. Again, trickier than you’d think.

3:30 – 5 p.m.: Are mice dinner? and other problems raised by the proto-existentialists. Course includes an intro to existentialism just in case hubby brings home a smart friend.

5 – 6 p.m.: How to feign sobriety when your husband gets home, even though you’ve been drinking since 9 a.m. — Carrie Hill Wilner

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