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Quote of the Week

“We’re now engaging the dictator’s most hardened and most desperate units.”

— President Bush, debriefing The New York Times on the Iraq conflict last Wednesday.

The TWIS Oscar Highlights Special

All the Things They Said (Were Bullshit)

Call us cynical, but we sorta thought that Julia and Lena of Tatu, those low-rent Spice Girls — uh, we mean dance-pop sensations — were pretending to be lesbian lovers for publicity. “Well,” said us, “there’s another media gambit that panders to the traditional male fantasy of uniformed Russian schoolgirls making out in a prison yard.” But we may have to rescind our judgment in the wake of a compelling testimonial the girls gave to a German newspaper this week. They claimed they have sex three times a day — with each other, that is — and often bring female fans back to their hotel rooms. “Maybe we’ve had four- or fivesomes. It’s our secret,” they said. Ladies, we’re pretty sure you haven’t had any fivesomes, because, hey, is that a real word? Guess what? No. For future reference, you skip straight from “threesome” to “orgy” — do not pass “Go,” do not collect $200. William Safire will back us up on this. Later in the interview, Julia and Lena strayed from benign media whoredom into the vast wilderness of Egregious Oversharing: “The best is in the morning when we have just woken up. Then we do it nice and slowly. In the evening it is a lot faster, and we rip each other’s clothes off. We like it at lunchtime too.” After a brief pause, they continued, “We also like it when we do it rolling around in the piles of money we’re making from this shtick. That’s not bad either.” — Carrie Hill Wilner

Pacifism: Hot or Not?

Well, it’s good to see that Lisa Loeb is taking steps to resuscitate her career. With her shirt off, she’s quite the attention grabber. If only her sign had some of the originality and charm of the 1994 chart-buster “Stay.” Oh well. Let’s hope Don Rumsfeld’s a tit man. 6/10

Our Friends Electric

This week, inventors in Tokyo unveiled the Super Onanism Machine (SOM), the Segway of sex toys.
The SOM — which comes in both “male” and “female” versions — is the world’s first hands-free vibrator capable of both horizontal and vertical movement. Because this is Japan we’re talking about here, the economics behind this grand discovery are questionable: “The mold alone cost us twenty million yen,” bragged a technician a bit too eagerly. Reportedly, the SOM for Her is so hot, you don’t even have to buy it. “Merely looking at it is enough to make you feel good!” says author Miaki Sakamoto, a self-professed fan of adult toys. The gents’ version is an artificial vagina “placed atop a stand that resembles the bottom of a fan.” (Can’t visualize that? Neither can we. What is the bottom of a fan even shaped like? That makes us think about someone sticking his dick in a fan, which doesn’t sound like such a hot idea. But then again, maybe we should shut up unless we’re going to build a better sex machine. Oh, wait, we have! It’s called “pussy.” Anyway . . . ) The man lubricates his penis before inserting it into the toy. The speed is adjustable, and yes, Virginia, there is a butt plug attachment. — Grant Stoddard

Pacifism: Hot or Not? Part 2

Here, here. These gals make a great point. However, the year is 2003, and this ain’t the Altamont festival. When will the peace movement realize that no one is going to take it seriously if its members look like they’re on their way to a Jefferson Airplane gig? Is peace inherently 1969? 8/10

Giving “Fuck-Me Shoes” a Whole New Meaning

“I know it sounds corny, but living in New York is constant pressure to spend cash. Everybody is amazingly groomed and every shop you go into has like a million outfits you are just desperate to own. I would go into Barneys and not be able to afford a single thing in the store — not even, like, a hair-clip.”
— “Celine,” a twenty-year-old New York University student, tells The New York Post how the Manhattan lifestyle forced her into prostitution

Bestiality: It’s What’s For Dinner

According to a 1950s study by Albert Kinsey, fourteen percent of men in rural America had their first sexual experience with an animal. Call us crass, but we’ve got a hunch those figures are higher in Canada. So really, the Canada Agriculture Museum brought its ignominy upon itself. Sure, we understand why staff members were a bit disturbed when they discovered a sixty-year-old man being fellated by two cows, but did they honestly expect they could just leave cows lying around without someone turning to them for oral sex? That’s like when you go out to a bar, and it’s crowded, and you’re like, “Oh, I can put my bag down here for a minute, no one will touch it, right?” And then you come back and — look at that! — your bag is gone, and you have no one to blame but yourself, you careless bitch.
What really puzzles TWIS are the mechanics of the situation. See, imagine a man. Okay? Now imagine a cow. Got it? Now, the cow’s a lot bigger, right? How does the man get his crotch to the same level as the cow’s head? Does he stand on something, and if so, isn’t that dangerous? Does he make the cow lie down? How? What kind of line would work on a cow? Furthermore, what kind of line would work on TWO cows? Maybe these were specially trained dick-sucking cows? That would explain a lot. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Pacifism: Hot or Not? Part 3

The Miller Lite of war protests. One sign between four of these reclining ruffians, and even that looks like an afterthought. As for the slogan, we’re not entirely sure what they’re getting at — although we’ll bet that at least one had given a hand job for two cigs and a bump of tweak. 3/10        

News Quiz: The Sexual Darwin Awards

Last Wednesday in Malaga, Spain, a sixty-five-year-old man died after which sex-related mishap:

a) he was electrocuted after attaching battery wires to his penis

b) he suffered internal bleeding after shattering a fluorescent light bulb in his rectum

c) he was suffocated while performing double penetration

d) he broke his neck after falling in the bathtub during water sports

Answer below.

Pacifism: Hot or Not? Part 4

It just doesn’t get any better than this. Read our lips? No more Bush? A double double-entendre. That’s what we’re talking about. We even like that the sign was kind of thrown together. We like to think they were too busy shaving each other down there to care. 10/10

Answer to News Quiz: A

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