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March 29, 2002

Hello Dolly

In a case reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic film Rear Window, a zealous neighbor called the police after seeing a man carrying what appeared to be a dead body into his Munich apartment. A SWAT team was rapidly assembled and immediately dispatched to the scene of the “crime.” German police cleared the man suspected of murder after they concluded that the “corpse” in his possession was in fact a new addition to his sex doll collection. The doll was made of silicon—giving it a more lifelike appearance than the standard blow-up toy.

    

“It appears we disturbed him as he was acquainting himself with his recent purchase,” a police spokesman told reporters.

    

Police released the man, after he showed them his collection of dolls, and they offered him the department’s profuse apologies. Since the story broke, news reporters across the globe have resisted the urge to say that the incident had been blown out of proportion.

    

I obviously couldn’t.

Cat Power

Unlike a dog’s behavioral characteristics—loyalty, obedience and a fierce instinct to protect its master—the domestic cat has earned a reputation for being aloof, independent and manipulative, creating the illusion that kitty needs his owner a lot less than the owner needs kitty. In Lansing, Michigan, one pet has the city’s residents re-thinking the human-feline bond.

    

Earlier this week, thirty-six-year-old Wulfrido Lopez snatched a seven-year-old girl from his front lawn apparently planning to have his way with her. Lopez carried the girl into his home and gagged her with duct tape. As the molester tried to remove the girl’s pants, her cat, which she had clung to for the duration of her ordeal, attacked her abductor, allowing her to escape.

    

When the Lansing police special tactical team arrived at the home with a search warrant, they found Lopez hiding in a crawl space in the basement, covered in dirt to conceal himself. What a pussy.

Czech Your Head

Easter is a celebration of Christ’s resurrection for Christians the world over. Hot cross buns (i.e. raisin-encrusted glazed rolls with a big ol’ cross on ’em) are eaten on Good Friday to symbolize J.C.’s crucifixion. On Easter Sunday, chocolate eggs (which represent new life) are hunted for and then rapidly consumed—a nod to the big man’s return from the dead. In the Czech Republic they like to do things a little differently.

    

In Prague, at this holy time of year, you’re more likely to see women running through the picturesque streets, chased by men brandishing sticks. If and when the man finally catches up with the woman, he’ll harshly thwap her around the legs before dousing her in cheap perfume or throwing her under a cold shower.

    

The fun starts after mass on Easter Sunday, with the men-folk fashioning their weapons by braiding live willow branches with pieces of ribbon. At dawn on Easter Monday (a holiday recognized across Europe and Canada), drunken men prowl the streets for female prey. “Every woman gets it,” says twenty-eight-year-old Petr Lebeda, “But you probably wouldn’t hit the old ladies too hard.”

    

“I hate Easter,” says twenty-two-year-old Iveta Polochova. “I always get thrown into the bathtub.” Before the attackers leave, their victims reward them with brightly painted eggs or a shot of hard liquor, just in case their livers aren’t already screaming for mercy.

Quotes of the Week

“Harold and Maude were just friends. We’re lovers. We’ve spent entire days in bed together.”

— Twenty-five-year-old boy toy Eric Wilkinson on the cinematic quality of his relationship with seventy-two-year-old sex guru Betty Dodson.


“I was always in the wrong relationships, so I decided to see what would happen if I took my energy and focused it elsewhere. I live like a nun now.”

Carre Otis, model and onetime spouse of Mickey Rourke, on her newfound celibacy.


Erotobituaries

Milton “Uncle Miltie” Berle, March 27, 2002: ninety-three-year-old lech famed for his gag thievery and monster schlong.

Dudley Moore, March 27, 2002: made world’s most unlikely sex symbol after he co-starred with Bo Derek in the movie 10. Died aged sixty-six.


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©2002 Grant Stoddard and Nerve.com, Inc.