This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Quote of the Week

“He was the nicest guy. You would never know that he was eating people.”

— Jacklyn Bush, a stripper, on the psychological profile she conducted on Jeffrey Dahmer while lapdancing for him. Ms. Bush, who claims to have an “ambidextrous butt,” recently wrote a memoir that spills various beans about her purported celebrity clients. [If anyone can tell us what an “ambidextrous butt” is, please email — Ed.]

Photo of the Week

The lovely and many-consonanted Thotsaphon Yonganukul is crowned Miss Transvestite in Bangkok on Thursday. She’ll advance to the Miss Queen Universe competition this November in Los Angeles.

Female Soldiers Deprived of Smut

Okay, so you’re a soldier in the middle of the desert, and you get a package. Do you say, “Sweet! I sure hope there’s beef jerky and a football in this?” We’re guessing no. Well, tough luck, private, because those are the sort of useless items families and friends are being encouraged to send you. Now what do you really want? Nude photography. But that’s not happening. The Jesus freaks chez nous had a group aneuryism when they heard about DirectLink Media Group’s plan to ship porn to U.S. soldiers and veterans, claiming it was an offensive marketing ploy. Well, yeah. So? A slightly more valid complaint would be that some female troops might be offended — not because of moral righteousness, but because they’re not getting theirs. Ultimately, instead of porn, the company decided to send 15,000 copies of Maxim to our boys and Good Housekeeping to the girls. Good Housekeeping. Because yeah, there’s a lot of housekeeping to do in a fucking tank, geniuses. — Carrie Hill Wilner

News Quiz

This week, the North Dakota legislature made it legal for cosmetologists to provide which of the following services?

a) pubic dyeing

b) pubic shampooing

c) anal bleaching

d) bikini waxing

e) genital piercing

Answer below.

Head of the Class

Until this week, hookers in Amsterdam learned their trade through trial and error. Problem was, it took several dangerous liaisons to determine how to best help the average Joh(a)n spend his hard-earned euros. So a former Amsterdam madam started a school for prostitutes. Her mission: to help them become so good at sex they can stop getting paid for it.

    Seems odd to master something so you can stop doing it, eh? If only Sting had gone that route. In fact, wasn’t it the former Police man who sang, “Those days are over, you don’t have to sell your body to the night”? Elène Vis, founder of the Hanky Panky School, might consider making that a rallying cry for her students. Her courses on sex tricks and personal grooming are designed to help hookers increase their earnings so they can retire early. (A pretty neat idea — the glitz and glamour of sucking off fat American tourists must tarnish slightly after a few years.)

    While presumably under the influence of Amsterdam’s other legal vices, Ms. Vis told reporters, “You can teach women how to earn more money by becoming more attractive. That was how Cinderella did it. The prince didn’t fall in love with her while she was wearing her working clothes.” Ms. Vis also said that, after turning countless tricks herself, she doesn’t approve of prostitution. “I believe in romance,” she said. “Women should not be prostitutes. Women with enough self-esteem don’t do this kind of work.” Across town, Hans Van Der Brecht was busy finishing his “John School” syllabus. Courses include “Living with Herpes” and “An Introduction to General Creepiness.” — Grant Stoddard

Profauxcateur of the Week

“If I were a man for a day, I’d try to have sex with Victoria Beckham.”

— Elizabeth Hurley in British GQ. She said she’d also be the kind of man who never tires of reading about B-list celebrities’ secret-hypothetical-lezzie yearnings in men’s magazines.

Shower Scene

Screenwriters seeking inspiration for the next American Pie need look no further than George Washington High School in South Carolina. This week, an anonymous male student sneaked into the girls’ locker room and got lodged behind the shower wall for several hours. Apparently, the junior peeping Tom accidentally made eye contact with a female student, which caused him to slip and get stuck. He waited until the end of the day to call his father using his cellphone. “His father probably used a hammer to free him from the wall,” said the school’s principal, Jim Vickers. “Initially, you want to chuckle when you hear this, but we’re taking it very seriously. People have to know there will be consequences to their actions.” But hey, let’s hear it for Dad coming in like the cavalry when the chips were down. He would’ve been in line for the best Father’s Day gift ever, but the upstanding citizen called the school to report the incident. The kid now faces disciplinary action. Damn, pops, you be gettin’ socks again. — Grant Stoddard

Celebrity Sexposé

“No matter how great a relationship is, I’m beginning to think I’ll never get around to marrying the guy unless he gets me pregnant.”

— Milla Jovovich, as quoted by In Touch, the world’s first celebrity gossip rag to share a title with a gay porn magazine. (A similar coincidence was averted during focus-group testing of Martha Stewart Inches.)

How Does Semen Smell?

Sometimes, you read about a scientific study and you’re like, “Why did they even think to try that? Were they high? They must have been high.” Then you’re thinking about getting high, so you do, and you come up with some stoner idea for a scientific study, and it turns out to be totally revolutionary. This is how useful discoveries are made. Promise. Take the recent breakthrough made by Professor Hans Hatt at
Ruhr University in Bochum, wherever that is. Hatt somehow determined that sperm are attracted to the scent of lily-of-the-valley. Apparently, they double their speed when honing in on the aroma. Hatt doesn’t know how they smell; he’s just figured out that they like to smell. (Just when you thought sperm couldn’t get any more emotionally unavailable…) Hatt hopes that his discovery will help develop new methods of contraception, new procedures to boost fertility and new ways to extort childless couples. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Answer to News Quiz: d

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