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| Quote of the Week |
"He was the nicest guy. You would never know that he was eating people."
Jacklyn Bush, a stripper, on the psychological profile she conducted on Jeffrey Dahmer while lapdancing for him. Ms. Bush, who claims to have an "ambidextrous butt," recently wrote a memoir that spills various beans about her purported celebrity clients. [If anyone can tell us what an "ambidextrous butt" is, please email michael@nerve.com Ed.]
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| Photo of the Week |
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The lovely and many-consonanted Thotsaphon Yonganukul is crowned Miss Transvestite in Bangkok on Thursday. She'll advance to the Miss Queen Universe competition this November in Los Angeles.
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| Female Soldiers Deprived of Smut |
Okay, so you're a soldier in the middle of the desert, and you get a package. Do you say, "Sweet! I sure hope there's beef jerky and a football in this?" We're guessing no. Well, tough luck, private, because those are the sort of useless items families and friends are being encouraged to send you. Now what do you really want? Nude photography. But that's not happening. The Jesus freaks chez nous had a group aneuryism when they heard about DirectLink Media Group's plan to ship porn to U.S. soldiers and veterans, claiming it was an offensive marketing ploy. Well, yeah. So? A slightly more valid complaint would be that some female troops might be offended not because of moral righteousness, but because they're not getting theirs. Ultimately, instead of porn, the company decided to send 15,000 copies of Maxim to our boys and Good Housekeeping to the girls. Good Housekeeping. Because yeah, there's a lot of housekeeping to do in a fucking tank, geniuses. — Carrie Hill Wilner
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| News Quiz |
This week, the North Dakota legislature made it legal for cosmetologists to provide which of the following services?
a) pubic dyeing
b) pubic shampooing
c) anal bleaching
d) bikini waxing
e) genital piercing
Answer below.
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| Head of the Class |
Until this week, hookers in Amsterdam learned their trade through trial and error. Problem was, it took several dangerous liaisons to determine how to best help the average Joh(a)n spend his hard-earned euros. So a former Amsterdam madam started a school for prostitutes. Her mission: to help them become so good at sex they can stop getting paid for it.
Seems odd to master something so you can stop doing it, eh? If only Sting had gone that route. In fact, wasn't it the former Police man who sang, "Those days are over, you don't have to sell your body to the night"? Elène Vis, founder of the Hanky Panky School, might consider making that a rallying cry for her students. Her courses on sex tricks and personal grooming are designed to help hookers increase their earnings so they can retire early. (A pretty neat idea the glitz and glamour of sucking off fat American tourists must tarnish slightly after a few years.)
While presumably under the influence of Amsterdam's other legal vices, Ms. Vis told reporters, "You can teach women how to earn more money by becoming more attractive. That was how Cinderella did it. The prince didn't fall in love with her while she was wearing her working clothes." Ms. Vis also said that, after turning countless tricks herself, she doesn't approve of prostitution. "I believe in romance," she said. "Women should not be prostitutes. Women with enough self-esteem don't do this kind of work." Across town, Hans Van Der Brecht was busy finishing his "John School" syllabus. Courses include "Living with Herpes" and "An Introduction to General Creepiness." Grant Stoddard
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| Profauxcateur of the Week |
"If I were a man for a day, I'd try to have sex with Victoria Beckham."
Elizabeth Hurley in British GQ. She said she'd also be the kind of man who never tires of reading about B-list celebrities' secret-hypothetical-lezzie yearnings in men's magazines.
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| Shower Scene |
Screenwriters seeking inspiration for the next American Pie need look no further than George Washington High School in South Carolina. This week, an anonymous male student sneaked into the girls' locker room and got lodged behind the shower wall for several hours. Apparently, the junior peeping Tom accidentally made eye contact with a female student, which caused him to slip and get stuck. He waited until the end of the day to call his father using his cellphone. "His father probably used a hammer to free him from the wall," said the school's principal, Jim Vickers. "Initially, you want to chuckle when you hear this, but we're taking it very seriously. People have to know there will be consequences to their actions." But hey, let's hear it for Dad coming in like the cavalry when the chips were down. He would've been in line for the best Father's Day gift ever, but the upstanding citizen called the school to report the incident. The kid now faces disciplinary action. Damn, pops, you be gettin' socks again. Grant Stoddard
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| Celebrity Sexposé |
"No matter how great a relationship is, I'm beginning to think I'll never get around to marrying the guy unless he gets me pregnant."
Milla Jovovich, as quoted by In Touch, the world's first celebrity gossip rag to share a title with a gay porn magazine. (A similar coincidence was averted during focus-group testing of Martha Stewart Inches.)
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| How Does Semen Smell? |
Sometimes, you read about a scientific study and you're like, "Why did they even think to try that? Were they high? They must have been high." Then you're thinking about getting high, so you do, and you come up with some stoner idea for a scientific study, and it turns out to be totally revolutionary. This is how useful discoveries are made. Promise. Take the recent breakthrough made by Professor Hans Hatt at
Ruhr University in Bochum, wherever that is. Hatt somehow determined that sperm are attracted to the scent of lily-of-the-valley. Apparently, they double their speed when honing in on the aroma. Hatt doesn't know how they smell; he's just figured out that they like to smell. (Just when you thought sperm couldn't get any more emotionally unavailable...) Hatt hopes that his discovery will help develop new methods of contraception, new procedures to boost fertility and new ways to extort childless couples. Carrie Hill Wilner
Answer to News Quiz: d
Did we miss any sex in the news? Send tips to thisweekinsex@nerve.com.
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Commentarium (7 Comments)
This is my favourite week in sex yet. Love the format.
Yeah, thanks for dropping the headache-inducing icons.
FYI: "Jesus Freaks" are a specific group (really), and the term should not be used for Christians in general. The Jesus Freaks grew out of the countercultural '70s. They tend to live a radical lifestyle while espousing a fundamentalist theology. Just thought you would like to know. By the way, I'm a Christian and I love nerve. See, we aren't ALL repressed . . .
The news source for your "Sperm Smell" article is not quite correct. Dr. Hatt and his chums figured out not only that sperm have a molecule on them that is related to smell receptors in the nose, but that the signaling process inside the cell is capable of coding the distance to the target. Go to www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed and type in "Smelling the Roses?" or Donner F. Babcock (in the author search) for a quickie summary to Hatt's article and related seminal efforts. Look up Spehr et al. 299:2054-58 in Science Magazine for the original work.
In order for this planet to survive we are going to have to STOP RIGHT HAND JACK AND JILL. Learning sex with the right hand can program a long lasting energy pathway to the left brain where sexual energy interferes with logic and reason and can cause sexual dysfunction, sexual violence, greed, hypocrisy, intolerance, and more.
http://sexonthewrongbrain
"A-Dam", Amsterdam in GI jargon, has to be the best city in Europe for sex and drinking. I was there several times 40 years ago on pass from an army base near Frankfurt. After hot showers, clean civilian clothes and rations of cigarettes, I hope the US Army and the Marine Corps reward our troops in Iraq with leave time and fly them to A Dam for R and R with gorgeous women and good booze. They deserve it after slugging it out in that god awful hell hole, Baghdad or anywhere else. Dutch women are sexual pros, believe me.
Semen smell? The remedy for healthy men is pineapple juice. My girl loves licking, teasing and sucking me off even more than before after I have several glasses. We watch ourselves in mirrors and she has become an expert in oral sex, a woman who did not want me to see her take me at first, but now she loves to watch my reaction to her expertise. 69 is even more fun, her nipples rubbing my stomach and chest. It don get no better than this!
Now you say something